Old Myspace Post

Monday, March 12, 2007 3:57 AM

A a few fucking confirmations for the world to see, and that I believe.
Current mood: calm
*I'm not a bad person.-I have made mistakes. There is absolutely no denying that. My mistakes range from the amazingly giant size ones to small, forgotten ones. What I have realised is that I'm a great, decent person who makes mistakes. My mistakes do not make me a bad person; they make me human like everyone else.

*I'm unique, and not in a bad way.- I can be very different from most of the people around me, and thats okay.It doesn't make me worse or better for wear. I'm not typical, and it's not a problem.

*I need people.- I do infact need people. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me a woman and a human. I need loving, supportive, people.

*I don't need people.- My self worth doesn't belong to anyone else. It's mine. What someone personally thinks of me doesn't change my value, nor is my value ever determined by someone else. No one needs to fix me, and even if I needed "fixing" I am the only one for that job.

*I'm valuable.- I'm not as worthless as I have felt in the past. I'm not as worthless as some think I am. Period.

*I'm the worst friend. -I'm flakey. I can be antisocial. I have hit silence on my phone when it rings.

*I'm the best friend.- I will constantly be there when needed. Anything a friend needs, I will give it to them if it is in my power to do so. All that is necessary is that they ask. I show appreciation for those who have been there for me, and helped me. It's not my fault if they do not notice because I have proven time and time again that I am grateful.

*I deal in positive reinforcement.- Much like a drug dealer, I continue to press and push positive reinforcement on to those around me. When an ego needs stroking, I have the fix. My doing this is not a bad thing.// I like to recieve positive reinforcement. Trust me, I know what I do wrong. I know where I need improvement. Tell me what I do right, tell me what is liked.

*I'm not hideous.-I'm not a ten. I will never be one. I need work. However, I'm not ugly, hideous, or disgusting; and the way I look, for better or worse, will not change the person I am.

*I'm grateful. - Thankful for every day on this earth, every memory, every expierence, every person scattered throughout my life.

*I'll be okay.- As Demetri would telll me, "You'll live". He is right, I will, infact, live....and by doing so, I will be okay.

*I'm not going to fall through.- I have always lived my life waiting for the bottom to fall out from under me again. I have realised that not every good moment in life causes the next horrific one. Even if that were the case, and the bottom consistently fell when predicted, I won't fall through to the rubble on the bottom. I have shown, over time, that even when I slip with the slide, I climb out of the broken pile.

*I am a Hypocondriac.- I have been for a very long time. It was confusing, to believe that I was ill with everything but what illness I actually have. It's not on purpose. I'm not a liar. I wish I could stop, and I'm trying to stop. I don't mean to cry wolf. I have panic and anxiety attacks. I do and will continue to rely on loved ones during those moments for as long as they will allow it.

*I'm not guilty.- Again, I have made mistakes. However, some things in life are unavoidable and will happen. At that moment, when it happens and the re-evaluation of choices begins, I have to be honest with myself. No matter how hard I tried or fought, no matter what I did or didn't do, I'm not responsible for her death. I'm not responsible for the death of anyone, but especially her...

*I'm only responsible for my own happiness.- I can't be all things to all people, no matter how hard I have tried in the past. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to make everyone happy, I can only make myself happy while making sure that my choices do not purposefully (or even non-purposefully) affect others in a negative way. I am mindful and concious and concerned with how my choices that lead to my happiness will affect those around me, but ultimately, if someone isn't happy, it is probably their own fault. I am willing to do what I can, but I can only do so much.

*I need time to myself.- I do apologise for all the people in my life that have "suffered" from moments of my "selfishness" when I decide it is time for me. The truth is, if I don't do this, I can't be happy or well.

*I'm intelligent.- I have done stupid things. I have said stupid things. Everyone does. Neither of those statements change the fact that I am a bright, intelligent woman who is opinionated and honest.

*I'm an addict.- Every day I make the concious choice to not use various substances (illegal drugs, alcohol, legal drugs, etc.) as a form of fullfillment and happiness. Somedays, I have been known to lose. Those days, even with the alcohol, are becoming fewer and farther between. Once and addict, always an addict. Being one doesn't make me less of a person, it only makes me a person with an extra choice.

*I'm strong.- I'm not as weak as I have always believed. I have endured, and I will continue to do so.

*I don't care what people say.- I value constructive criticism. Even when the truth hurts, I do appreciate it. However, the hurtful or negative things people say behind closed doors no longer bothers me. I am the way that I am, and people have every right to not like it. I will not apologise for being myself, only mistakes or tresspasses against others. At that point, it is their responsibility on how to handle the situation.

*It's alright for me to be happy.- I'm allowed happiness in life. Life doesn't have to be painful or dramatic its entire course. I no longer have to punish myself.

*I'm not selfish.- I give more than I recieve. I enjoy doing what I can to make everyone happy. If people do not see the caring, selfless things I do, it is no longer my problem. It is theirs.

*I'm a swirl.- I'm a crazy mass of molecules and contradictions and confusion and truths. I am everything, and I am nothing much. I'm a silly swirl of a person who has feelings and thoughts and choices to make. I am getting it together, and I'm getting on with my life. I have always been "crazy". I think too much, I let my emotions and thoughts snowball. I say I'm sorry. I get frustrated. I get upset. I get angry. I get happy. I get hyper. I get silly. I love too many people. I care too much. I get scared. I get cold. Everything. Nothing.I'm Shannon, and that is all I will ever be.

>>>>
I think this is completed, atleast for now. This entire post is public, but it was written for myself alone. I made it public, because as of right now, I whole heartedly believe the things I have written. If one person read this, I no longer owe it to only myself to make sure these things remain true.
Approximately a month ago, a doctor spoke the words "Tell me about yourself". My answer was much different than the list written here. The next few hours were some of the most heart-wrenching, painful, humiliating, and tear-filled moments of my life. When it was over, I had never felt more alive and free. I felt unloaded. I felt as though I could stand again. I could breathe again.
My response if she asked again would include a great deal of what I have written tonight. I think she would be surprised, anyone would be shocked, to read the difference in the answer. I have started my walk down a different road, and this one has street lights. I can see where my feet fall.
I am in no way shape or form "all better" or "cured" or "over it". The absolute truth is that I may never be. It may always be a battle with in my mind. I may continue to lose one day and win the next. The truth is, I wake up winning more often than not lately, and for right now, that is more than enough for me.
I'm so very grateful.