Old Myspace Post

Friday, October 06, 2006 3:04 PM

I begged for apathy yesterday, I got a consolation prize of heartache.

I wish I could just keep my mouth shut.
I wrote something a week ago, and whether or not it continues to be true, I wish I would've kept it to myself.
I have made myself out to be a hypocrite, which sucks.
Had I just kept it all inside, good and bad, I wouldn't now feel guilty about the fact that I wish I had never opened up to anyone.
I said I wouldn't feel weak for saying it, but now I do.
I feel so much that I don't want to feel, and doubt over whelms every part of me.
I can't stop it, and I can't curb its hunger to eat away at my heart.
I want to pray to someone...something..to just let me be cold, and safe, and not feel this way at all.
I want to say more, and now I'm just back to being terrified to open my lips.
It's no one's fault but my own, and no one can do anything about it.
I'm hurting, and I'm not even sure I care.
I refuse to cry over something that is none of my business in the first place.
The only thing he was right about is that I shouldn't have flipped out on him.
What he does is absolutely none of my business, and I have no right to care.
I'm not there, I'll never be there, and I can't get angry, or jealous, or upset about what goes on there.
It sucks, but it's true.
It's so hard for me to hold my tongue though.
All of those emotions eventually turned to worry...and then heartache when I realised there was no need to be worried.
I don't want to be dramatic, and I don't know what I want.
Sometimes I really have no idea whats going on inside this chaos that is me.
There are times these thoughts and words just spout forth, gushing over everything.
My "issues" explode and soak and ruin all the incorrect things much like the broken sprinkler on my lawn.
So very broken.
So very wrong.
I despise my self doubt and the painful doubt I have of the ones I love.
I have no idea why I am so gun shy.
It tears me apart to be that way with him, but I don't know how else to be.
The truth may hurt, but hearing a lie would crush me.
I much prefer things to be open and honest; I value the truth more than people might think.
Honesty sounds like such a simple thing to ask for, but I am convinced sometimes that I rarely get it.
It's this horrible back and forth motion of fear and confidence.
I am so fucking sick of the bob and weave inside my head about things, not just him, but everything.
I want so badly for the fear to dissipate completely, but just as seen in my previous blog, as soon as it appears to be going...I get bitch slapped in the face by it.
I'm covered in insecurity and somedays, no matter how many showers I take, it won't wash off.
It shouldn't hurt, it's not my business, but it does.
Damn, I broke my own heart again.
Sometimes I think I do that so that no one else has the satisifaction of doing so.
There are moments I wish I had never told him anything, and in that same moment, all I want to do is pour my heart out to him.
I.hate.this.

_________________________

Thanks for having this on your myspace, Corey (taro).

Crossfade-Deadskin

So I'm the king of all these things of this mess I have made
Such a waste what a shame my whole life is a fake
Well I'm a bore and I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you that has torn at you for years
The alcohol the demerol these things never could replace
What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face
I'm a bore and I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you that has torn at me for years
I can't get out of this dead skin I can't shed my skin
I'm not sure where to begin why can't I begin again
I can't get under my dead skin I can't shed my skin
Can I sllep 'til then

Phenobarbitol and alocohol these two surely will do
To knock me out keep me down at least a day or two
When I'm awake I can taste how bitter I've become
And it's more than I can bear somedays I pray someone will blow me away
Make it quick but let it burn so I can feel my life fade
Well I'm a waste and I can taste how bitter I've become
And it's more than I can bear
I can't shed my skin
I can't shed my skin