Old Myspace Post

Friday, November 10, 2006 4:57 PM

How I felt...

This is how I felt the day after we had the conversation about you not having a girlfriend...



Despite the fact I care so much, I suppose all I have done is hurt you.
I would love to think I'm just what you need and what you want; but I'm afraid that is a pipe dream.
I want to ask you for things to only change for the better.
I want to beg you never to push me away; but I could never hate you for doing so if you did.
Sometimes you were difficult.
I was overly so.
Sometimes I found myself never doubting you.
Mostly I was scared, confused, and gun shy to no visible end.
Considering the situation, I gave you as much as I could.
I let you have as much as you what let me give, honestly.
I know you need more and no matter how close, this isn't enough or the same.
You never asked for anything else.
I told you a hundred times you could have whatever.
I am left to realise maybe you didn't want it.
However, if that was the case, then why all of "this" for so long?
I'm left confused and guilt ridden and aching.
If you possibly can look past myself behaviour, you would definitely see through all of "this" all I really cared about was you.
I know I focus on me quite a bit, especially when I talk.
It is some very crazy, fucked up defense mechanism.
I want you to be happy with who and how you are.
I want you to have what you need and want-no matter what that is.
I'm not so much concerned with how I might feel and you shouldn't be afraid of how I will react.
How I feel is my issue to deal with, not yours.
I know you care what I think and what I feel.
In the same turn, I care about you the same way and knowing what I know now...
I feel as though no matter how either of us cared all I did was cause trouble.
You may disagree, but I feel like I complicated the last few months of your life.
I have few regrets in all of it, all are faults of mine.
I feel as though it's done.
Please note I didn't say I want it to be done, just that it feels that way.
Infact, I completely want the opposite of "this" being done.
I would love for it to be the complete other end of the spectrum from done.
I'd love to hear you say all the magical words you say while I'm asleep.
All the giggles, I love yous, the phone sex, the I want yous, the ego strokes, the tears, the trust, the confidence...I sometimes feel like I gave it away so easily.
I tried to hold back at times, but you always made it so safe.
You made it feel okay to be open and upfront from the beginning of "this".
I just gave it all away, or I feel like I did.
I'm not saying I didn't want to or I regret it.
I'm just considering that perhaps things would be more simple all around if I had not.
So much has run through my head-correct and incorrect- my hand can't keep up.
I continiously stop myself from writing the things that are blatantly not true.
The things I think just to hurt myself.
I wish I wasn't so...frustrating, difficult, and self absorbed.
I've actually learned quite a few things from having fallen in love with you.
Thank you.
I've pretty much attempted to shove everything I want out of my head.
The one thing that remains I can't seem to shake sounds strange and incorrect.
I know you love when I start things like that..
I'd adore hearing you invite me to your bed, and it not be for the most awesome sex ever.
I'm not denying I wouldnt want to, or that I wouldn't love it.
I just want you, and not like that.
Things will likely never be how I wish they could be.
Maybe I have always known that.
I can't help but laugh as I flip back through this book I started writing inside during January or so.
The great majority of stuff about you is slightly fun.
Somethings you've seen, and some you never will.
The end result of everything is...
I love you, I care, and I just wish you had whispered "come here" and meant it.
I am so sorry.