Old Myspace Post

Saturday, May 26, 2007 9:06 AM

Fuck me.
Current mood: numb

I cant get last night out of my head. I really felt like everything was going so well. It's funny how things just suddenly fuck up for no obvious reason. God. I felt so stupid. My pride was wounded badly, and all comfort I had was tossed on its head. I really felt like a complete fool.

I love him so very much. I honestly do love him more than anyone or anything. He turns me on my head, and makes me insane most days. HE makes me the good kind of insane, the whole situation we are in makes me the awful kind.

I really did just feel completely crushed. I am so use to just telling him how I feel. I so freely just say any and everything that comes to mind. He makes me feel so safe. After all this time, I was in this wonderful place that I could tell him how much I really do love him (even though my words always fall short) and I could tell him how much I miss him all the time. I was able to tell him how often I think about him, how much I wanted him and to be with him, and the worst- how much I actually do need him. I told him all this stuff and then some, and I never winced. I never thought twice. I wasn't scared.

For around two hours or so last night (well, around midnight-2 a.m.), I laid on my couch and cried. I cried and everything imaginable ran through my head. I realised that while I'm not back to square one, it will be uncomfortable again, atleast for awhile, for me to say those things to him, even though he is the only one I love with such intensity. One particular thought ran through my head over and over and over again, like I was torturing myself. "While you were all caught up, telling him you love him and how much time you want to spend with him....he was likely - more often than not- wishing he had more time to himself, without you."

I kept thinking about how much fun he is, and how I probably bring him down since this whole situation along with my fucked up life makes me act crazy. I was thinking that he deserves so much better than I have given him. I was thinking about how I wish I could be everything that I think he does deserve. I know he loves me and doesn't think the same way. Ofcourse, at that point last night, I wasn't rational. I was heartbroken, which is never rational lol.

I kept hearing how happy he sounded when he first called. He sounded so bright and cheerful and like he had been having fun. God, he was so sweet and affectionate. He said some really beautiful things. While we were talking then, I was so at peace. Everything felt harmonic. I was having trouble sleeping and he immediately relaxed me. I felt safe again, as I always do with him.

Then something happened. I was drifting to sleep and I don't even remember what I did wrong. I asked him not to go, to just wait for me to sleep. I thought I had been good lately. I thought I had been understanding and giving and I thought we both had more than enough space. I thought if I asked politely and lovingly that it would be okay to ask for him to stay and finish putting me to sleep. I don't care what other factors were involved, I wish I had never done it. I wish I had just been an adult and said goodnight. I wish I hadn't been weak enough to ask him to stay, to need him to stay. Once he was angry, for whatever reason(s) he was, It was only downhill. I get so upset and torn apart when I hear his voice change like that. When I make him sound like that, when it's something I've done, it tears me apart...it makes me almost hate myself.

Another thought while I laid on the couch, sniveling stupidly, was that I wish -I- could make him sound as happy as he did when he first called. I wish so badly I could make him that excited and that I could make him smile that way. Sometimes I'm afraid all I do is frustrate him.

Sometimes I think he is crazy for being in love with me. Crazy for putting up with me. Crazy for wanting what is me. Somedays my confidence dives off the deep end and into some abyss of self loathing and pity and shame. Today is one of those days. Then I begin to worry that he won't love me, not for all my faults, but because how i feel about myself - in every aspect ....emotionally, mentally, physically...- plummets sometimes. What he will think of me in every way rattles me today. Today I'm horrified he will hate everything.

I was so excited and confident and ready to go spend time with him.

I still want to visit and spend time with him. I still want it so very much.

I'm scared.

This whole fucking thing just drives me fucking insane. I love him, and I know that if we love each other, all this should work itself out eventually. My love for him and that fact doesn't change this all from sucking so badly.

I just really want him to be happy. If I end up happy and with what I want so badly also, then that's a bonus I guess.

I just don't know anymore. I just had to write until it was out of my system. I needed all of this NOT in me so I can just move on.

I love you. I love you far more than I'm use to loving anyone. Fuck. I love you scruffles.