Old Myspace Post

Thursday, July 19, 2007 11:39 AM

I think I am Fucked....
Current mood: confused
I don't know whats wrong with me. It feels like sometimes I try to fuck things up on purpose. But I am so happy with him, I do not want to fuck it up. I don't even realise what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm not in control of myself. Seriously, I think I have all this potential and my psycho is getting in the way. I really have this super distrust of women. I think they are all backstabbing bitches other than two or three that have yet to fuck me over, however, Im not naive enough to think they haven't done it to others. I have this constant fear of not being good enough. I lack confidence. The other day I realised that the reason it is so hard for me to respect myself is because I have almost zero respect for women. I have no idea where I learned this growing up, but it exists in my mind today. I really hate it when I do this shit. I try so hard to take a step back, relax, take a breath....it never really seems to help. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am horrified there is something better than me out there for him. That thought makes me sick. I want to be what he wants and what he needs and I want nothing else to be able to take up that particular space in his life. I wonder at times if he does deserve much better than me. I have said some horrible things to him, and made him feel bad about himself...something I never wanted to do to anyone, especially him. I love him. I want him to know how special and wonderful I believe he is. How different and unique and perfect I think he is. I try so hard to let him know, and I'm not sure I ever really can...especially after some of the things I have said to him in anger. I don't know what either of us can do to make me feel differently. I'm trying SO hard. I just want to feel like the most important thing to him. I want to know that he views me and feels about me the way I feel about him.I love him immensely. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy. I want us happy and together, and together for always.