Katherine,
I really think this letter only proves that you do not know me at all. It is a sad and horrible thing for me to say, but I really fear it is true. You can't possibly know what I am truly thinking, unless ofcourse, I tell you. I do things for others because it makes me happy to see others happy. I do these "amazing" things for people because either I care about them or it is the right thing to do based on my relationship (or sometimes even my friend's relationship) with the people I do things for. Humans are innately selfish creatures. Part of life is over coming that selfishness to do things in the world that make an impact, even a small one, on others. So yes, when any deed I have done fails to make an impact, there is some selfishness there in the fact that it upsets me that said deed made no change in a person or relationship.
You say several times we can't be the friends we use to be. That is true, mainly because when you describe me, you are describing someone that hasn't existed in a very long time. You say you want us to grow and change together, but the real problem is that you have changed for the worse. You aren't empowered, but have resorted to being the center of the universe, which I know from experience is easier than actually changing or empowering yourself. I'm not perfect, no one is; but to say that I am still selfish and a bully and that I insist on always being right is unfair and somewhat of a falsehood. Everyone will make mistakes and slips, but I have made a great deal of changes in the correct direction.The difference between my argument and yours is that I have acknowledged the things that you do not just the things I see you not do. I still do not always pick and chose my battles as wisely as I should, but I am taking steps to work on that.
In the mean time, while you are the greatest friend I have had in my life, you have added some very tough stipulations to your friendship and love. Recently, unless things go your way (the only way as far as you are concerned), then they cease to go at all. In Wickenburg, YOU decided you wanted to start anew in this what is now become a disaster of a friendship. I allowed that to happen with no argument or negative mindset about the outcome. The slate was clean, completely. You came down to my house once, I came to yours once, and we went out to a family dinner with me picking you up one way and kevin the other. All of that is amazingly great, and I was very pleased to see both of us making efforts.
You would be correct in saying I do have some expectations of my friends and relationships, all of us do. My expectations have become less distorted (or so I thought before this weekend). I do not expect anything elaborate or great of anyone, but I do - as most people do - expect my friends to be there when it is truly important or I am in true need of assistance. You cannot be angry at me for your actions marring our clean slate.
Quite simply, I reached out for help in a very stressful time and grasped at air where as my friend your hand should have been. I was upset and disappointed and even became angry when you refused to acknowledge that you let me down. However, the moment you said you were sorry I immediately let it go because in my mind that is what friends do when other friends accidentally hurt them. I suppose I didn't realize that at the time, the apology was only to shut me up since you didn't actually believe you had done anything to hurt me.
Saturday after you guys arrived at the festival, I treated you no differently than I normally would. Things seemed to be going fine, and I felt everyone had some fun. Saturday evening, the last time I spoke to you, you guys were going to sit around and relax for a few more moments before heading toward the party. I assumed this meant you would arrive in the next two to three hours giving plenty of time for whatever it is you felt you wanted to do before attending Clane's party. I never heard from you again. You didn't even call to say you can't make it. Even people who I don't know or barely know or rarely hang out with that had legitimate reasons for not attending managed a phone call.
Mona and I both talked openly with you and in front of you about how we feel about our friends dropping the ball on other friends important days. I even told you I was infuriated to hear that no one told you Happy Birthday. I was also heartless towards Amanda for not realizing that some things are not about her. That she shouldn't call you a friend and then let you down during an important and exciting time in your life. You don't get a free pass just because you feel like a part of my family. You let Clane down as well as our other friends and myself, and I'm truly am sorry if I wasn't gentle enough in telling you because my intention yesterday was not to be cruel to you. I did genuinely try to be calm and logical.
I am genuinely afraid that the new Katherine is someone only Kevin can love, and if you begin treating him the way you do everyone else even he may have a hard time. As for your friends and family in California, I honestly don't think they know the real you anymore. They still know the Kat we all fell in love with. I don't tell you these things to hurt you or oppress you. I say them because I'm worried. I know from experience you have set your self up to travel a very lonely road.
You insist on having these misconceptions about me and how I act and react. I really do believe holding on so tightly to these old conceptions of my character and how I previously acted enables you to treat me badly with no regret. In your mind, I truly believe you think I deserve this treatment, and if I deserve this treatment as punishment or penance for past regressions then you have done nothing wrong by treating me this way.
I have attempted to be supportive in all of your recent endeavors, and I wasn't always exceptional at it. In the end, I feel satisfied with how I handled things and I am sorry if you didn't and didn't tell me. I am confused about the etiquette in this current situation though. Do I suck it up and ask to go through the wedding as normal? Do I ask to be repaid for the money spent on something I am not going to be a part of? Do I resign from the wedding or wait for you to kick me out? Do I still through a party I invited everyone to? Do I really let you allow this all to go to hell right before your wedding so you can be the victim and never see how you wronged others? I really don't know what the polite thing to do in this situation is, honestly.
I will say that you do not get to be the martyr or the victim. That number two thing was always a joke, never serious. You are not oppressed by me, and I shouldn't be blamed for you needing to feel that way to justify how you treat me and people you associate with me. If you were your own person you wouldn't cling so tightly to the only person in Arizona who you haven't hurt, manipulated, or abused with your selfish behavior. If you are truly this empowered and breaking free from oppression, then I wish you well and hope you can stand on your own two feet because it is all you will have left in the end. There will always be a new tyrant to oppress you, and now that everyone else is gone I am scared you will turn Kevin into your new excuse for bad behavior, and well, he doesn't deserve that because he is really trying.
Lastly, one day, you will see the folly in what you thought; and you will realize the way you treated me, Dave, and everyone else here in Phoenix is unacceptable. You will see your selfishness, cruel actions, and shameful statements, and you will feel regret. Once you are buried under your own mountain of humiliation and regret and loneliness you will understand true oppression and the only dictator left standing over you will be you.
Good luck Katherine. You were the sister I always wanted, unfortunately I guess you were the younger, selfish sister I needed so that I could overcome my own stupidity to rise above such behavior. I love you and wish you best. Please do respond about how to handle this wedding debacle.
Love,
Shannon
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Clane and Chase are away so Kat, Shannon, and Mona will play!
So, Clane and Chase are at the Game Developers Conference in San Francisco, CA this week and weekend! Very excited for them. I really do hope they are using this experience to their greatest advantage to learn some tricks of the trade while developing and nourishing some business relationships. I can't wait until they graduate and start their business.
Anyway, so now I am left to my own devices without Clano around. What to do, what to do. I have been staying at Kat's this week with my cat and dog, so basically the circus temporarily moved in with her and Kevin. Kat's birthday was Wednesday. We didn't do too much unfortunately. Mona made a cake, and I cooked fajitas. We got her some flowers and a card and candy. It was the best I could do on a weekday with a short budget. Last night, Kat and I sat around in our underwear, watching the L word and drinking the left over booze. We also had a short wrestling match in which she attempt to steal my phone and break my sternum while I pinched her boob and screamed for Kevin. Kevin did not get involved. Today and Tonight we are shopping and...who knows! More info incoming soon!
Anyway, so now I am left to my own devices without Clano around. What to do, what to do. I have been staying at Kat's this week with my cat and dog, so basically the circus temporarily moved in with her and Kevin. Kat's birthday was Wednesday. We didn't do too much unfortunately. Mona made a cake, and I cooked fajitas. We got her some flowers and a card and candy. It was the best I could do on a weekday with a short budget. Last night, Kat and I sat around in our underwear, watching the L word and drinking the left over booze. We also had a short wrestling match in which she attempt to steal my phone and break my sternum while I pinched her boob and screamed for Kevin. Kevin did not get involved. Today and Tonight we are shopping and...who knows! More info incoming soon!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
All night long!
So, I have been up all night. It is approximately 6:00 am, and I am scared to sleep.
I suppose I am afraid I will miss something, or maybe I just can't sleep because I took a nap earlier. Perhaps a combination of that, and the fact that I am terrified over getting my test results on Friday. The ultrasound today was very creepy, and I wanted so badly to know if she saw anything. Unfortunately, the lady doing it didn't say a word. I am afraid of cancer or who knows what else it could possibly be. Keep me in your prayers.
At least I did get a lot of stuff taken care of with my blog.
I suppose I am afraid I will miss something, or maybe I just can't sleep because I took a nap earlier. Perhaps a combination of that, and the fact that I am terrified over getting my test results on Friday. The ultrasound today was very creepy, and I wanted so badly to know if she saw anything. Unfortunately, the lady doing it didn't say a word. I am afraid of cancer or who knows what else it could possibly be. Keep me in your prayers.
At least I did get a lot of stuff taken care of with my blog.
Adventures of Gato Embarazado featuring First comes love, then comes baby carriage and then comes marriage.
Adventures of Gato Embarazado featuring First comes love, then comes baby carriage and then comes marriage.
If you guessed "My friend Katherine is pregnant" you are the winner! As I said, life has tumultuous adventures for us all. Kat is approximately seven weeks pregnant. I was in denial and upset for a plump handful of those weeks. However, weighing the pros and cons, I come to the conclusion this should be a happy time. I also decided despite how ~I~ feel about this situation she will be popping out a little ball of goo and viscera and baby sometime in the upcoming nine months. Also considering the many hair-brained ideas of yours truly she has participated in over the course of an insane four to five years previous to this baby situation, I figure the least I can do is love her and support her. Hey, I may even watch the thing once and a while! I could buy it funny hats and teach it how to play video-games.....
Kat and Kevin got hitched. Well, unofficially hitched. I witnessed the whole thing at the court house along with Steve (who, to everyone's relief, was not singing his bardly songs at the legal ceremony). I did however get to cause my usual spectacle when taken in public. No..no.. I did not throw myself at the judge, protesting and demanding this terrifying idea in progress be stopped. Infact, using something around runspeed 3 I got in to the court house on time. Once I zoned in, I charmed the clerk, pick pocketed a ceremony number, turned in flowers for the good karma quest to the other couple npc's, and off tanked a judge until backup could arrive. Steve evidently cast selos on his mount to get to a bank (unbeknownst to us at the time there is in fact a banker inside the plane of justice here in Phoenix, AZ). Kat and Kevin trained all the way to the court house and slipped inside. Steve didn't have a key once he arrived at the zone in again, and evidently at the time he hadn't trained up his lock picking skills - too bad Clane wasn't there. Kat charmed the additional judge and had him unlock the door. The deed was then done, raid complete. Grats Kat and Kevin on looting two wedding rings!
If you guessed "My friend Katherine is pregnant" you are the winner! As I said, life has tumultuous adventures for us all. Kat is approximately seven weeks pregnant. I was in denial and upset for a plump handful of those weeks. However, weighing the pros and cons, I come to the conclusion this should be a happy time. I also decided despite how ~I~ feel about this situation she will be popping out a little ball of goo and viscera and baby sometime in the upcoming nine months. Also considering the many hair-brained ideas of yours truly she has participated in over the course of an insane four to five years previous to this baby situation, I figure the least I can do is love her and support her. Hey, I may even watch the thing once and a while! I could buy it funny hats and teach it how to play video-games.....
Kat and Kevin got hitched. Well, unofficially hitched. I witnessed the whole thing at the court house along with Steve (who, to everyone's relief, was not singing his bardly songs at the legal ceremony). I did however get to cause my usual spectacle when taken in public. No..no.. I did not throw myself at the judge, protesting and demanding this terrifying idea in progress be stopped. Infact, using something around runspeed 3 I got in to the court house on time. Once I zoned in, I charmed the clerk, pick pocketed a ceremony number, turned in flowers for the good karma quest to the other couple npc's, and off tanked a judge until backup could arrive. Steve evidently cast selos on his mount to get to a bank (unbeknownst to us at the time there is in fact a banker inside the plane of justice here in Phoenix, AZ). Kat and Kevin trained all the way to the court house and slipped inside. Steve didn't have a key once he arrived at the zone in again, and evidently at the time he hadn't trained up his lock picking skills - too bad Clane wasn't there. Kat charmed the additional judge and had him unlock the door. The deed was then done, raid complete. Grats Kat and Kevin on looting two wedding rings!
Some real life adventures of a girltank not so much..
Some real life adventures of a girltank not so much...
So, wow, life...yea...that thing that we experience despite the fact that at times we do not wish to have its tumultuous changes and adventures thrust upon us. Life is a fickle and harsh lover it would seem; but oh does it taste so sweet. I suppose life is like all things in existence. Pros and cons, lesser evils, and a prayer that good will out weigh bad. I'm not sure if I am winning yet.
I haven't worked on my list. I have been quite depressed. I have been the complete polar opposite extraordinary the last few weeks. I miss my friends and having fun. I miss myself.
So, wow, life...yea...that thing that we experience despite the fact that at times we do not wish to have its tumultuous changes and adventures thrust upon us. Life is a fickle and harsh lover it would seem; but oh does it taste so sweet. I suppose life is like all things in existence. Pros and cons, lesser evils, and a prayer that good will out weigh bad. I'm not sure if I am winning yet.
I haven't worked on my list. I have been quite depressed. I have been the complete polar opposite extraordinary the last few weeks. I miss my friends and having fun. I miss myself.
The List destined to obscure and conquer all lists before it.
The List destined to obscure and conquer all lists before it.
So, as I said, I am making a list of things in this life I need to complete or start. Some are major accomplishments, while others are just simple things to make the heart happy. I suppose its the perfect time of year to be doing something like this, since New Years and soon to be doomed resolutions have just been made by others. These are NOT New Year resolutions. I don't believe in such a thing. I think you can pick any day of the year to change your life. New Years is just a passing of the torch from one calendar year unto the next. Now, on to the grand daddy of all to do list before thee...
Disclaimer: These are in no particular order, and will be completed in no particular order. They can be modified at any time to encompass more detail; but they can never be deleted. I might amend the list, adding things as I think of them.
1. Use the scrapbook stuff I bought three years ago.
2. Organize in sequence photographic volumes to hold the pictures of my family I have inherited over the years.
3. Wear makeup and do my hair for seven consecutive days.
4. Give myself a pedicure once a week for one month.
5. At some point weigh as little as 125 pounds and no more than 165 pounds.
6. Travel to Greece
7. Travel to Ireland
8. Own and operate a website of my choice to a successful degree
9. Organize all the pictures on my computer
10. Post all the pictures I have taken over the last year, and then begin posting pictures in a timely manner.
11. Get paid to organize events
12. Publish my poetry
13. Write one poem a day for one month.
14. Maintain a blog or journal for at a minimum of one year.
15. Cook one meal from different country each night for a week
16. Watch a zombie or ghost movie without feeling fear
17. Write one short story
18. Write one novel, even if it is shoddy
19. Own a home in one or all or any given number of the following places: WA, AZ, MS, PA, NY, Ireland, Greece, New Zealand
20. Adopt a child
21. Eat a previously endangered but now restored animal
22. Learn to play and beat Halo, Halo 2, and Halo 3.
23.Play Left 4 Dead...at night.
24.Paint and redecorate every room in a house
25. Paint one good painting
26. Build a computer on my own
27. Make something out of wood ... i.e. a book shelf or table
28. Travel to Alaska
29. Scuba Dive and/or swim with a dolphin
30. maintain a pen pal for at least one year.
31. Travel to New Jersey to spend a New Years with Gary
32. "Beat" Everquest...again
33. Keep my house in a state of magazine clean on a regular basis
34. Pluck my own eyebrows
35. Walk for one hour each day
36. Play my bongo and read tarot cards once a month
37. Organize my existing poetry
38. Own a boat
39. Adopt as many animals as I can afford to support
40. Visit the Grand Canyon, Four Corners, Sedona, and Jerome
41. Take my closest friends on a road trip to my home town
42. Have robyn come stay with me in Phoenix for one week
43. Speak to Erin again
So, as I said, I am making a list of things in this life I need to complete or start. Some are major accomplishments, while others are just simple things to make the heart happy. I suppose its the perfect time of year to be doing something like this, since New Years and soon to be doomed resolutions have just been made by others. These are NOT New Year resolutions. I don't believe in such a thing. I think you can pick any day of the year to change your life. New Years is just a passing of the torch from one calendar year unto the next. Now, on to the grand daddy of all to do list before thee...
Disclaimer: These are in no particular order, and will be completed in no particular order. They can be modified at any time to encompass more detail; but they can never be deleted. I might amend the list, adding things as I think of them.
1. Use the scrapbook stuff I bought three years ago.
2. Organize in sequence photographic volumes to hold the pictures of my family I have inherited over the years.
3. Wear makeup and do my hair for seven consecutive days.
4. Give myself a pedicure once a week for one month.
5. At some point weigh as little as 125 pounds and no more than 165 pounds.
6. Travel to Greece
7. Travel to Ireland
8. Own and operate a website of my choice to a successful degree
9. Organize all the pictures on my computer
10. Post all the pictures I have taken over the last year, and then begin posting pictures in a timely manner.
11. Get paid to organize events
12. Publish my poetry
13. Write one poem a day for one month.
14. Maintain a blog or journal for at a minimum of one year.
15. Cook one meal from different country each night for a week
16. Watch a zombie or ghost movie without feeling fear
17. Write one short story
18. Write one novel, even if it is shoddy
19. Own a home in one or all or any given number of the following places: WA, AZ, MS, PA, NY, Ireland, Greece, New Zealand
20. Adopt a child
21. Eat a previously endangered but now restored animal
22. Learn to play and beat Halo, Halo 2, and Halo 3.
23.Play Left 4 Dead...at night.
24.Paint and redecorate every room in a house
25. Paint one good painting
26. Build a computer on my own
27. Make something out of wood ... i.e. a book shelf or table
28. Travel to Alaska
29. Scuba Dive and/or swim with a dolphin
30. maintain a pen pal for at least one year.
31. Travel to New Jersey to spend a New Years with Gary
32. "Beat" Everquest...again
33. Keep my house in a state of magazine clean on a regular basis
34. Pluck my own eyebrows
35. Walk for one hour each day
36. Play my bongo and read tarot cards once a month
37. Organize my existing poetry
38. Own a boat
39. Adopt as many animals as I can afford to support
40. Visit the Grand Canyon, Four Corners, Sedona, and Jerome
41. Take my closest friends on a road trip to my home town
42. Have robyn come stay with me in Phoenix for one week
43. Speak to Erin again
The rise of conflictions in the mind of a local Phoenix resident.
The definition of procrastination is the epitome of how I treat my brilliant plans and creativity. I truly believe I smother myself, constricting everything I really am until there is nothing except a minuscule glimmer of what I should be. I spend so much time thinking that I am rarely doing. My mind is some mirrored labyrinth constantly contorting and reversing while expanding infinitely not unlike the universe my physical body is trapped inside. I am intensely confused by my personality. It would appear who I really am folds in upon itself, hiding and shying away from everything great it could accomplish. In its place stands someone everyone but myself knows and loves. Could I be one of those great minds that is meant to do nothing but ponder only to have scraps of paper saturated in brilliance discovered upon her tragic death? I feel pretentious.
I think I am going to make a list of everything I have never completed or started that I have always thought of doing. Then perhaps if I actually bring said list to a fruition I shall complete them individually in no particular order.
I think I am going to make a list of everything I have never completed or started that I have always thought of doing. Then perhaps if I actually bring said list to a fruition I shall complete them individually in no particular order.
Old Facebook Post
Pans
Share
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 9:54am | Edit Note | Delete
me: im trying to convince myself to go to Macy's
they have a sale today
roasting pans, $7.99
it only last for another two hours
Kat: ...lol
me: i wanted to say "i'm not one of those people" but i'm old now, and trying to save money, and its a great deal. even at wal mart those pans are twenty dollars
do you want me to pick you up a roasting pan if its not one per customer
i know varuka took all your kitchen stuff, and these are nice pans
Kat: yes please
me: sorry. i'm really caught up on these pans this morning. i think because it says something about the person i am becoming
i got excited last night over a macy's commercial that had a sale on pans....i wasnt excited about the jewelry, or cosmetics, or coats...just the pan..
Kat: lol
this is a good thing though yes?
me: i guess
i think it just means i'm growing up
Share
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 9:54am | Edit Note | Delete
me: im trying to convince myself to go to Macy's
they have a sale today
roasting pans, $7.99
it only last for another two hours
Kat: ...lol
me: i wanted to say "i'm not one of those people" but i'm old now, and trying to save money, and its a great deal. even at wal mart those pans are twenty dollars
do you want me to pick you up a roasting pan if its not one per customer
i know varuka took all your kitchen stuff, and these are nice pans
Kat: yes please
me: sorry. i'm really caught up on these pans this morning. i think because it says something about the person i am becoming
i got excited last night over a macy's commercial that had a sale on pans....i wasnt excited about the jewelry, or cosmetics, or coats...just the pan..
Kat: lol
this is a good thing though yes?
me: i guess
i think it just means i'm growing up
Old Facebook Post
Monday, September 7, 2009 at 12:25pm
No one should be left on the side of the road to rot and die because they can't afford health care costs due to extremist capitalists becoming money hungry in the 1980s. No one was thinking about our elderly and our children when they decided back then to let private parties in health care charge what ever they wanted. They just heard the almighty dollar sing to them, and it has continued. I don't know first hand, but I would imagine other countries laugh at us for thinking that the health of the poor isn't important. Many countries learned long ago that the rich remain rich because of the poor that support them form underneath in their factories and shops. If you don't make an effort to keep them well, you fine gentlemen will not remain wealthy very long. Perhaps when you are hit where it hurts - your pocket book - you will reconsider how much you previously didn't care that your workers couldn't even afford prescription cough medicine.
In case simple logic doesn't appeal to you, perhaps your heart will. I have witnessed a man several days a week for the last year walk up and down a strip mall. He earns money by collecting and recycling cans and doing odd jobs for the mom and pop shop owners. He can't be hired anywhere because of his constant coughing fits, rotten teeth, limp, and overall homeless appearance. He carries his Bible, and his dog everywhere with his bike cart that he pulls due to the fact he can't even ride a bike in the torturous desert heat because of his leg problems. He isn't an addict, and often times you see he has dirty bandages made out of whatever he can rustle up. He never panhandles, but earns whatever he is given - even if you only give him a small odd job out of pity. I typically begin to cry as I walk past him - after he has nodded and waved in respect to me being a lady. Finally one day I realized I cry not only for him, but I cry because of the two American flags on small posts that are duct taped to the back of his cart. I cry not only for him, but for all of us here in America. I cry because he has nothing, and we give him nothing. I cry because even after his misfortune in life he must somewhere still believe in a country that ignores his existence. I cry because he loves an idea of freedom and the pursuit of happiness... Read More that denies him basic human rights because of capitalistic ideals and importance of dollars. I cry and hope God, his God he carries that Bible for, can forgive me for not doing more than try to be his voice now that he has lost his own due to our obsession with green paper that will not benefit us once we leave this place.
No one should be left on the side of the road to rot and die because they can't afford health care costs due to extremist capitalists becoming money hungry in the 1980s. No one was thinking about our elderly and our children when they decided back then to let private parties in health care charge what ever they wanted. They just heard the almighty dollar sing to them, and it has continued. I don't know first hand, but I would imagine other countries laugh at us for thinking that the health of the poor isn't important. Many countries learned long ago that the rich remain rich because of the poor that support them form underneath in their factories and shops. If you don't make an effort to keep them well, you fine gentlemen will not remain wealthy very long. Perhaps when you are hit where it hurts - your pocket book - you will reconsider how much you previously didn't care that your workers couldn't even afford prescription cough medicine.
In case simple logic doesn't appeal to you, perhaps your heart will. I have witnessed a man several days a week for the last year walk up and down a strip mall. He earns money by collecting and recycling cans and doing odd jobs for the mom and pop shop owners. He can't be hired anywhere because of his constant coughing fits, rotten teeth, limp, and overall homeless appearance. He carries his Bible, and his dog everywhere with his bike cart that he pulls due to the fact he can't even ride a bike in the torturous desert heat because of his leg problems. He isn't an addict, and often times you see he has dirty bandages made out of whatever he can rustle up. He never panhandles, but earns whatever he is given - even if you only give him a small odd job out of pity. I typically begin to cry as I walk past him - after he has nodded and waved in respect to me being a lady. Finally one day I realized I cry not only for him, but I cry because of the two American flags on small posts that are duct taped to the back of his cart. I cry not only for him, but for all of us here in America. I cry because he has nothing, and we give him nothing. I cry because even after his misfortune in life he must somewhere still believe in a country that ignores his existence. I cry because he loves an idea of freedom and the pursuit of happiness... Read More that denies him basic human rights because of capitalistic ideals and importance of dollars. I cry and hope God, his God he carries that Bible for, can forgive me for not doing more than try to be his voice now that he has lost his own due to our obsession with green paper that will not benefit us once we leave this place.
Old Myspace Post
Monday, May 11, 2009 12:08 PM
The virus of my world in song
The music fades in.
I feel my heart sink, plummeting to nowhere inside me.
It begins to pulse and pound, following each drum beat perfectly.
Blood flows in and swirls, gains its corruption to the sound of every guitar cord.
My fleeting heart forces the vile, infected red serum out into my body.
It fills my veins, and as the lyrics scream my blood vessels tingle and pop.
The viral blood rushes faster and faster inside me as he sings my damnation.
The bass strings pound in my mind, and with every strum salvation is lost.
This sound, this music which bonded itself to my soul long ago floods me.
And as my nerve endings drown in the verses, the lack of melody bridges the synapses in my brain.
Memories infiltrate my mind, and the constantly cumulating emotion in his voice becomes too heavy and crushes me.
I let go, and indulge.
I revel in the pain, the happiness, and the tears this musical poison has brought me.
You win again, Sir.
________________________
"Straight Jacket Fashion"
by Chevelle
Don't stand around
So far, it's empty
Just pull close these witnesses
That follow, so trusting
There they go
By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite
Cause quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Climb up your pedestal
To hang yourself from it
"A cold day in hell's" the phrase
I used when I never ever meant to change
Scab
By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite
Cause quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
His straight jacket fashion
Can't believe he could
But I'd crawl a mile
To say that he should
This straight jacket fashion
I can't believe he could
Starve ourselves just to say
You know that you should
By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite
Quietly, you're overrated anyhow
Currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
The virus of my world in song
The music fades in.
I feel my heart sink, plummeting to nowhere inside me.
It begins to pulse and pound, following each drum beat perfectly.
Blood flows in and swirls, gains its corruption to the sound of every guitar cord.
My fleeting heart forces the vile, infected red serum out into my body.
It fills my veins, and as the lyrics scream my blood vessels tingle and pop.
The viral blood rushes faster and faster inside me as he sings my damnation.
The bass strings pound in my mind, and with every strum salvation is lost.
This sound, this music which bonded itself to my soul long ago floods me.
And as my nerve endings drown in the verses, the lack of melody bridges the synapses in my brain.
Memories infiltrate my mind, and the constantly cumulating emotion in his voice becomes too heavy and crushes me.
I let go, and indulge.
I revel in the pain, the happiness, and the tears this musical poison has brought me.
You win again, Sir.
________________________
"Straight Jacket Fashion"
by Chevelle
Don't stand around
So far, it's empty
Just pull close these witnesses
That follow, so trusting
There they go
By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite
Cause quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Climb up your pedestal
To hang yourself from it
"A cold day in hell's" the phrase
I used when I never ever meant to change
Scab
By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite
Cause quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
His straight jacket fashion
Can't believe he could
But I'd crawl a mile
To say that he should
This straight jacket fashion
I can't believe he could
Starve ourselves just to say
You know that you should
By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite
Quietly, you're overrated anyhow
Currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
Old Myspace Post
Tuesday, February 24, 2009 11:20 AM
This job hurts..
I’m not this type of person. I have said this to myself over one thousand times today. I have let the words slip from my mouth and my fingers to three people I care about a rather great deal. I’m not an ignorant person; but I do believe I am attempting to be blind to the real truth of the situation at hand.
I would like to think that I am a good, decent person. I would love to believe that, in the grand scheme of things, I do what is right while making no worse mistakes than what is expected from humanity. I attempt to avoid regretting my decisions, and constantly move forward.
Moving forward, that leaves me to contemplate whether I am, in fact, pushing forward or simply running away.
I think I have always done what is necessary to survive the situation that faces me. Unfortunately, this often times faces me with choosing to be selfless or selfish. I know there are many aspects of my life where I am a very selfless person. I have loved entirely without inhibition; I have given to others until my pockets and heart is empty. I sacrifice until there is nothing. I care deeply and unconditionally. I am not delusional and realize there are so many aspects of my life where I am a very selfish person. I require a lot from my friendships and relationships. I place my emotional needs before others, and I often times will never admit that I am wrong. I have blatant overuse of the words “I” and “me”.
I have done what I felt was necessary for myself to survive.
I, like many people, have done numerous things that I am in no way proud of having done. I do wonder what will become of me at the end of these strings of choices and decisions made and unmade.
I suppose I could place blame on my childhood and various other factors for protecting myself the way I have, and haven’t. I would imagine after cracking open a psych book that I could name each individual factor that has caused me to do the things I have done; thus making my soul escape its guilt.
I am consistently faced with the predicament of whether the good I have done in this world weighs out the bad things I have done to this world.
The real truth of the matter is that I love my higher power, the world, humanity, the people and things and loved ones in my life, and myself in no real particular order. I’m guilty of trying to save whichever is easiest to save at the exact moment I must make the decision.
I’m confident that the way in which I chose to express loyalty, love, friendship, anger, selfishness, and survival make me a dangerous woman.
I’m afraid that the depths at which I feel all emotions in this world make me a volatile girl.
All I really want is to one day say “It was all worth it.”
This job hurts..
I’m not this type of person. I have said this to myself over one thousand times today. I have let the words slip from my mouth and my fingers to three people I care about a rather great deal. I’m not an ignorant person; but I do believe I am attempting to be blind to the real truth of the situation at hand.
I would like to think that I am a good, decent person. I would love to believe that, in the grand scheme of things, I do what is right while making no worse mistakes than what is expected from humanity. I attempt to avoid regretting my decisions, and constantly move forward.
Moving forward, that leaves me to contemplate whether I am, in fact, pushing forward or simply running away.
I think I have always done what is necessary to survive the situation that faces me. Unfortunately, this often times faces me with choosing to be selfless or selfish. I know there are many aspects of my life where I am a very selfless person. I have loved entirely without inhibition; I have given to others until my pockets and heart is empty. I sacrifice until there is nothing. I care deeply and unconditionally. I am not delusional and realize there are so many aspects of my life where I am a very selfish person. I require a lot from my friendships and relationships. I place my emotional needs before others, and I often times will never admit that I am wrong. I have blatant overuse of the words “I” and “me”.
I have done what I felt was necessary for myself to survive.
I, like many people, have done numerous things that I am in no way proud of having done. I do wonder what will become of me at the end of these strings of choices and decisions made and unmade.
I suppose I could place blame on my childhood and various other factors for protecting myself the way I have, and haven’t. I would imagine after cracking open a psych book that I could name each individual factor that has caused me to do the things I have done; thus making my soul escape its guilt.
I am consistently faced with the predicament of whether the good I have done in this world weighs out the bad things I have done to this world.
The real truth of the matter is that I love my higher power, the world, humanity, the people and things and loved ones in my life, and myself in no real particular order. I’m guilty of trying to save whichever is easiest to save at the exact moment I must make the decision.
I’m confident that the way in which I chose to express loyalty, love, friendship, anger, selfishness, and survival make me a dangerous woman.
I’m afraid that the depths at which I feel all emotions in this world make me a volatile girl.
All I really want is to one day say “It was all worth it.”
Old Myspace Post
Monday, February 16, 2009 6:50 PM
Pavement and surprises
I wish I could say that the road life takes never surprises me. I wish that perhaps I could say that the fact that life surprises us no longer surprises me. The real truth of the matter is that life takes us every which way. Some people describe this as a roller coaster ride. I suppose I'd have to agree with this considering I feel that amusement park rides are death traps. On a side note, I do not find the thought of plummeting to my death while thrill seeking on some man made monstrosity of steel amusing. People easily walk in and out of our lives. It is hard to find a way to make them stay; or a way to make yourself stay for that matter. Time is sculpted by the people that fill its great void, and we find ourselves interwoven in the rough canvas drop cloth covering our masterpiece. Somethings are redundant in life. I'd love to say one door closing to another one opening is not true; but the damn reality of it is that it is proven to us every single day that the phrase reflects the way of life.
Across the ocean of pavement, the boat rises and falls with the waves.
Inside the boat built of relationships, the people are tumbled on their heads.
Pavement and surprises
I wish I could say that the road life takes never surprises me. I wish that perhaps I could say that the fact that life surprises us no longer surprises me. The real truth of the matter is that life takes us every which way. Some people describe this as a roller coaster ride. I suppose I'd have to agree with this considering I feel that amusement park rides are death traps. On a side note, I do not find the thought of plummeting to my death while thrill seeking on some man made monstrosity of steel amusing. People easily walk in and out of our lives. It is hard to find a way to make them stay; or a way to make yourself stay for that matter. Time is sculpted by the people that fill its great void, and we find ourselves interwoven in the rough canvas drop cloth covering our masterpiece. Somethings are redundant in life. I'd love to say one door closing to another one opening is not true; but the damn reality of it is that it is proven to us every single day that the phrase reflects the way of life.
Across the ocean of pavement, the boat rises and falls with the waves.
Inside the boat built of relationships, the people are tumbled on their heads.
Old Myspace Post
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 6:29 AM
Lonely
Current mood: sad
I'm so lonely.
I miss....
Lonely
Current mood: sad
I'm so lonely.
I miss....
Old Myspace Post
Saturday, December 29, 2007 11:21 PM
What is love...baby don’t hurt me...
Current mood: blessed
I am guessing I just learned one of the most important lessons in my life. It is weird to think I have gone through so much, and I missed something so very simple. I didn't figure out the secret to life or anything of that nature. I did, however, figure out how to love someone. I have said on many occasions that I love people unconditionally, and that is very true. I just had no idea how, it seems. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense when I try to write it down, and I do feel it is important to write this particular thought down. Let me use some examples, and perhaps I can piece it together for myself in some words I will not forget.
Love means many different things to everyone in this universe. Before this week, for me it was a stereotypical idea of love. You love someone, you tell them, you smile with them, you cry with them, you cuddle, you share, you have sex, you get that warm fuzzy feeling…insert other clichés of love here. All of those things are, in fact, a part of love. They are not love in its entirety. To be quite honest, you can do all of those things and many others, and not be expressing the kind of love I intend to mean when I say love. You can love someone selfishly, as I have, and for a long while it will seem to everyone that you are loving them correctly. Now, on a side note, just because I expressed love in a selfish, cliché fashion does not minimize the love I feel for them. It is only a sad truth that I didn't realize what I was doing until now. Too little too late I suppose. I won't go in to all that. It is a whole other story entirely, and, while related, not the point at hand.
I have discovered that what I always meant to do, and never quite pulled off.
When you love someone to the fullest extent you can love someone; you want what is best for them. Period. No if. No but. No questions. You simply love them, and support their needs and decisions. When they ask you for something they truly need, if you can provide it with no serious injury to your person you should allow them what they need. No words say it quite right for me. I guess what I am trying to say is….I should have listened.
I should have listened, and respected. I was always listened to and respected…I'm not sure what was going through my head. Maybe this all was just a hard lesson I had to learn. I could go into this huge list of times and instances in which I should have done something and did not. The fact of the matter is this…I was wrong. I always was wrong.
Love is something to be cherished, and coddled. You cannot let your emotions run rampant in the streets of your heart and mind. You must hold it and control it. Love is putting someone before yourself. Doing what is best for them even if it isn't what you want or imagined. Sometimes love is giving in. Sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes love is worth the pain you might temporarily feel to make it last forever when you stay quiet over something large or small. Love is always.
Just because things are different, and just because love changes doesn't mean it dies. What two people share in happiness lives on long after they are no longer able to provide that gift to the world together. It resonates through time.
"Buildings burn, people die, but true love lasts forever."
I have one last selfish gift for myself when it comes to matters of love. It is a promise. A promise to myself and no one else. A promise to love completely, and truly, and unconditionally. A promise to always listen, grow, provide support, not stumble and sweat over the small things, to understand, and to place their needs on an appropriate priority level.
I love you.
What is love...baby don’t hurt me...
Current mood: blessed
I am guessing I just learned one of the most important lessons in my life. It is weird to think I have gone through so much, and I missed something so very simple. I didn't figure out the secret to life or anything of that nature. I did, however, figure out how to love someone. I have said on many occasions that I love people unconditionally, and that is very true. I just had no idea how, it seems. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense when I try to write it down, and I do feel it is important to write this particular thought down. Let me use some examples, and perhaps I can piece it together for myself in some words I will not forget.
Love means many different things to everyone in this universe. Before this week, for me it was a stereotypical idea of love. You love someone, you tell them, you smile with them, you cry with them, you cuddle, you share, you have sex, you get that warm fuzzy feeling…insert other clichés of love here. All of those things are, in fact, a part of love. They are not love in its entirety. To be quite honest, you can do all of those things and many others, and not be expressing the kind of love I intend to mean when I say love. You can love someone selfishly, as I have, and for a long while it will seem to everyone that you are loving them correctly. Now, on a side note, just because I expressed love in a selfish, cliché fashion does not minimize the love I feel for them. It is only a sad truth that I didn't realize what I was doing until now. Too little too late I suppose. I won't go in to all that. It is a whole other story entirely, and, while related, not the point at hand.
I have discovered that what I always meant to do, and never quite pulled off.
When you love someone to the fullest extent you can love someone; you want what is best for them. Period. No if. No but. No questions. You simply love them, and support their needs and decisions. When they ask you for something they truly need, if you can provide it with no serious injury to your person you should allow them what they need. No words say it quite right for me. I guess what I am trying to say is….I should have listened.
I should have listened, and respected. I was always listened to and respected…I'm not sure what was going through my head. Maybe this all was just a hard lesson I had to learn. I could go into this huge list of times and instances in which I should have done something and did not. The fact of the matter is this…I was wrong. I always was wrong.
Love is something to be cherished, and coddled. You cannot let your emotions run rampant in the streets of your heart and mind. You must hold it and control it. Love is putting someone before yourself. Doing what is best for them even if it isn't what you want or imagined. Sometimes love is giving in. Sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes love is worth the pain you might temporarily feel to make it last forever when you stay quiet over something large or small. Love is always.
Just because things are different, and just because love changes doesn't mean it dies. What two people share in happiness lives on long after they are no longer able to provide that gift to the world together. It resonates through time.
"Buildings burn, people die, but true love lasts forever."
I have one last selfish gift for myself when it comes to matters of love. It is a promise. A promise to myself and no one else. A promise to love completely, and truly, and unconditionally. A promise to always listen, grow, provide support, not stumble and sweat over the small things, to understand, and to place their needs on an appropriate priority level.
I love you.
Old Myspace Post
Thursday, November 29, 2007 9:34 PM
Everything and anything changes for you
Current mood: blank
some stuff will always confuse me. how can i love a person so much, and them not love me? atleast not in the way i want them to. i'm not a looker, and i have my downfalls as does everyone. i know i did some pretty fucked up things and said some pretty fucked up things. i'd never deny the pain i probably forced upon him. all i'm saying is that i realise now what i should've know then. i only wish that somehow, some way, he could find it in himself to remember the love he had for me and give me a chance to show him how i feel and how different things have become. i know he has other women in his life...maybe women better looking, or less dramatic, or just better in general. the fact of the matter is - not that im asking him to settle - i honestly believe that no one could ever feel the way i do about him. i was perfectly ready to give up everything for him. i love him. he is worth the world to me. i really believe, if given the chance, i could make him happy. its all so confusing and so fucked up. i remember a time when we were so amazingly happy together, and i remember times where things were so terribly sucky. the thing is ...through both...one thing remains the same...there is me and there is him...and no matter how much either of us pushes in any direction...neither of us strays that fucking far from the other. sure, we try, but it never really happens. why is that? why are there people in your life...no matter how unhealthy (not saying we are) or how crazy things get...they just never get so far away that you lose sight of them? i'd like to believe he still cares about me...that one day things will pan out and be as they were meant to be...him and i. i'm fairly sure he doesnt feel the same way...im fairly sure he is confident there will never be another him and i...and that he wants me to move on and just be his friend, if even that. he has no idea how hard that concept is and how hard i have worked at it. as much as tiffany or any other girl may give him attention or sex or "love"...i just so honestly beleive it will never be what is between us. it was so different...so....what it was...its all so confusing and brain wracking and i cant explain it....only that it made me willing to give up my marriage...give up everything i'd ever known (the good and the bad)...I thought he was worth it. I'll always believe he was worth it. If i end up alone for the rest of my life because of the choices i made....i'll always know deep within my mind and my heart that Demetri was worth the loss of any and everything. I know i sound crazy, please dont think that i dont realise that. I know im a strong person for most of those that know me and its weird to hear or see me the way i've been with him. There is just no way to explain that no matter how strong or independant or assertive I am...its just not that way when it comes to Demetri. anyone can think whatever they may like. they can think im crazy or obessive or stalkerish...the fact of the matter is...there is no one like him. not to say that the others in my life weren't great or special or amazing in their own right. he's just this truly geniune wonderful person who doesnt even realise how breath taking he can be...anyway, im just rambling and feeling crazy. all i know is that....im stuck....god, i really dont mind the pain of it all because it was always worth it to me...every tear...every heartache...every fight...everything...
im sorry demetri.
im sorry clane.
im sorry shannon.
"You can't always get what you want. No, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find..you get what you need"
Everything and anything changes for you
Current mood: blank
some stuff will always confuse me. how can i love a person so much, and them not love me? atleast not in the way i want them to. i'm not a looker, and i have my downfalls as does everyone. i know i did some pretty fucked up things and said some pretty fucked up things. i'd never deny the pain i probably forced upon him. all i'm saying is that i realise now what i should've know then. i only wish that somehow, some way, he could find it in himself to remember the love he had for me and give me a chance to show him how i feel and how different things have become. i know he has other women in his life...maybe women better looking, or less dramatic, or just better in general. the fact of the matter is - not that im asking him to settle - i honestly believe that no one could ever feel the way i do about him. i was perfectly ready to give up everything for him. i love him. he is worth the world to me. i really believe, if given the chance, i could make him happy. its all so confusing and so fucked up. i remember a time when we were so amazingly happy together, and i remember times where things were so terribly sucky. the thing is ...through both...one thing remains the same...there is me and there is him...and no matter how much either of us pushes in any direction...neither of us strays that fucking far from the other. sure, we try, but it never really happens. why is that? why are there people in your life...no matter how unhealthy (not saying we are) or how crazy things get...they just never get so far away that you lose sight of them? i'd like to believe he still cares about me...that one day things will pan out and be as they were meant to be...him and i. i'm fairly sure he doesnt feel the same way...im fairly sure he is confident there will never be another him and i...and that he wants me to move on and just be his friend, if even that. he has no idea how hard that concept is and how hard i have worked at it. as much as tiffany or any other girl may give him attention or sex or "love"...i just so honestly beleive it will never be what is between us. it was so different...so....what it was...its all so confusing and brain wracking and i cant explain it....only that it made me willing to give up my marriage...give up everything i'd ever known (the good and the bad)...I thought he was worth it. I'll always believe he was worth it. If i end up alone for the rest of my life because of the choices i made....i'll always know deep within my mind and my heart that Demetri was worth the loss of any and everything. I know i sound crazy, please dont think that i dont realise that. I know im a strong person for most of those that know me and its weird to hear or see me the way i've been with him. There is just no way to explain that no matter how strong or independant or assertive I am...its just not that way when it comes to Demetri. anyone can think whatever they may like. they can think im crazy or obessive or stalkerish...the fact of the matter is...there is no one like him. not to say that the others in my life weren't great or special or amazing in their own right. he's just this truly geniune wonderful person who doesnt even realise how breath taking he can be...anyway, im just rambling and feeling crazy. all i know is that....im stuck....god, i really dont mind the pain of it all because it was always worth it to me...every tear...every heartache...every fight...everything...
im sorry demetri.
im sorry clane.
im sorry shannon.
"You can't always get what you want. No, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find..you get what you need"
Old Myspace Post
Thursday, November 15, 2007 7:56 PM
My New Year
November 15, 2007. I wonder if my mom is proud of me? It's been a year since she passed - nearly a year to the exact hour that i began typing this. It's amazing the the things that change in only a year. I'm in awe how so much time has passed and it seems like yesterday, and also how no time has passed at all and it feels like forever ago. In the last year of my life I have learned that I am not a bad person. I have learned that I have issues like everyone else. In the last year I realised just how much I could love someone, and just how badly I could hurt the ones that love me. I practiced unconditional love, and despite the fact of losing the man I loved that way, I will forever love him and everyone unconditionally. I pierced my lip. I pierced my nose. I dyed my hair...twice. My roommate moved out and two new ones moved in. I become re-addicted to Everquest only to neglect it once more. I, without fear, have taken a 2000+ mile road trip, driven over bridges and over passes, loved someone, ate sushi, let an almost perfect stranger live in my home, flew on a plane, made love with Demetri, left my grandfather alone, spoken to Doug and Joe again, met four people from Everquest, and let myself become close to another female. I got an amazing job, and became the envy of everyone I know by being outstanding at it. My boss and coworkers are great. Clane and I seperated. I tried homeopathic medicine. I got Einstein, the best dog ever even if I don't see him all the time. I cried. I smiled. I longed. I mourned. I laughed. I desired. I sinned. I overcame. I was selfish and giving in the same moment. I missed her. I missed him. I wrote many vague - and some not so vague- blogs. I quit smoking. I started smoking. I quit drinking. I tried to drink myself into death or atleast the hospital. I quit drinking again. Clane and I learned how to be friends again.I lost myself, and I found a girl that I like better once I lost "myself".I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. I was so happy tears poured from eyes as I laughed. I saw Maryland. I fell in love with trees again, and the east coast. I had one of the most wonderful, meaningful weeks of my life being lazy with Demetri.In a year, I lost everything; and in the same year I was handed the world.Keep in mind, these are just a handful of things that happened in the last year, and they were in no particular order whatsoever.
I wish I could say something cliche or somethign with depth about losing my mother. I suppose the closest I can come is saying that her death made me realise that I'm not dead. I'm not dead and I should live like I'm dying. It took some time to realise it, but I'm happy living life each day as it comes. I'm happy believing there could be no tomorrow, so I need to do and say what I need today. Other than that, I can't really go on about what a wonderful and touching person she was. Don't get me wrong...SHE WAS, but she taught me just as much in her death as she did in her life. I have loved, and lost...many times in many ways. I still smile. I still breathe.
So, November 15 now marks MY new year.
I'd like to thank...yes thank as oddly as it sounds...certain people for making the past year what it was....
Demetri - You loved me. You are ...there are just no words...you just are, and I love you.
Clane - You let me move on, you let go, and gave me what I wanted from you..a friend. I will always dearly care about you.
Katherine - You encouraged me and held me accountable for my actions. You, like the two names above you, hold a strong place in my heart.
Doug - You forgave me. You became one of my best friends, whether it out of necessity, timing, or both of us growing up. It happened and it makes me smile.
Cody - You let me welcome you.
Dave - You were always just as bitter, if not moreso, than myself. You let me give you hugs.
Shannon (yes, me!) - You saved yourself. You got up again. It wasn't the end. You always come out fighting. You try, and win or fail, don't stop. You changed. You conquered and loved. You cried.
I love the people listed above, in many different ways - each one unique from the next, more than most people can probably imagine. *mwah*
My New Year
November 15, 2007. I wonder if my mom is proud of me? It's been a year since she passed - nearly a year to the exact hour that i began typing this. It's amazing the the things that change in only a year. I'm in awe how so much time has passed and it seems like yesterday, and also how no time has passed at all and it feels like forever ago. In the last year of my life I have learned that I am not a bad person. I have learned that I have issues like everyone else. In the last year I realised just how much I could love someone, and just how badly I could hurt the ones that love me. I practiced unconditional love, and despite the fact of losing the man I loved that way, I will forever love him and everyone unconditionally. I pierced my lip. I pierced my nose. I dyed my hair...twice. My roommate moved out and two new ones moved in. I become re-addicted to Everquest only to neglect it once more. I, without fear, have taken a 2000+ mile road trip, driven over bridges and over passes, loved someone, ate sushi, let an almost perfect stranger live in my home, flew on a plane, made love with Demetri, left my grandfather alone, spoken to Doug and Joe again, met four people from Everquest, and let myself become close to another female. I got an amazing job, and became the envy of everyone I know by being outstanding at it. My boss and coworkers are great. Clane and I seperated. I tried homeopathic medicine. I got Einstein, the best dog ever even if I don't see him all the time. I cried. I smiled. I longed. I mourned. I laughed. I desired. I sinned. I overcame. I was selfish and giving in the same moment. I missed her. I missed him. I wrote many vague - and some not so vague- blogs. I quit smoking. I started smoking. I quit drinking. I tried to drink myself into death or atleast the hospital. I quit drinking again. Clane and I learned how to be friends again.I lost myself, and I found a girl that I like better once I lost "myself".I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. I was so happy tears poured from eyes as I laughed. I saw Maryland. I fell in love with trees again, and the east coast. I had one of the most wonderful, meaningful weeks of my life being lazy with Demetri.In a year, I lost everything; and in the same year I was handed the world.Keep in mind, these are just a handful of things that happened in the last year, and they were in no particular order whatsoever.
I wish I could say something cliche or somethign with depth about losing my mother. I suppose the closest I can come is saying that her death made me realise that I'm not dead. I'm not dead and I should live like I'm dying. It took some time to realise it, but I'm happy living life each day as it comes. I'm happy believing there could be no tomorrow, so I need to do and say what I need today. Other than that, I can't really go on about what a wonderful and touching person she was. Don't get me wrong...SHE WAS, but she taught me just as much in her death as she did in her life. I have loved, and lost...many times in many ways. I still smile. I still breathe.
So, November 15 now marks MY new year.
I'd like to thank...yes thank as oddly as it sounds...certain people for making the past year what it was....
Demetri - You loved me. You are ...there are just no words...you just are, and I love you.
Clane - You let me move on, you let go, and gave me what I wanted from you..a friend. I will always dearly care about you.
Katherine - You encouraged me and held me accountable for my actions. You, like the two names above you, hold a strong place in my heart.
Doug - You forgave me. You became one of my best friends, whether it out of necessity, timing, or both of us growing up. It happened and it makes me smile.
Cody - You let me welcome you.
Dave - You were always just as bitter, if not moreso, than myself. You let me give you hugs.
Shannon (yes, me!) - You saved yourself. You got up again. It wasn't the end. You always come out fighting. You try, and win or fail, don't stop. You changed. You conquered and loved. You cried.
I love the people listed above, in many different ways - each one unique from the next, more than most people can probably imagine. *mwah*
Old Myspace Post
Thursday, July 19, 2007 11:39 AM
I think I am Fucked....
Current mood: confused
I don't know whats wrong with me. It feels like sometimes I try to fuck things up on purpose. But I am so happy with him, I do not want to fuck it up. I don't even realise what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm not in control of myself. Seriously, I think I have all this potential and my psycho is getting in the way. I really have this super distrust of women. I think they are all backstabbing bitches other than two or three that have yet to fuck me over, however, Im not naive enough to think they haven't done it to others. I have this constant fear of not being good enough. I lack confidence. The other day I realised that the reason it is so hard for me to respect myself is because I have almost zero respect for women. I have no idea where I learned this growing up, but it exists in my mind today. I really hate it when I do this shit. I try so hard to take a step back, relax, take a breath....it never really seems to help. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am horrified there is something better than me out there for him. That thought makes me sick. I want to be what he wants and what he needs and I want nothing else to be able to take up that particular space in his life. I wonder at times if he does deserve much better than me. I have said some horrible things to him, and made him feel bad about himself...something I never wanted to do to anyone, especially him. I love him. I want him to know how special and wonderful I believe he is. How different and unique and perfect I think he is. I try so hard to let him know, and I'm not sure I ever really can...especially after some of the things I have said to him in anger. I don't know what either of us can do to make me feel differently. I'm trying SO hard. I just want to feel like the most important thing to him. I want to know that he views me and feels about me the way I feel about him.I love him immensely. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy. I want us happy and together, and together for always.
I think I am Fucked....
Current mood: confused
I don't know whats wrong with me. It feels like sometimes I try to fuck things up on purpose. But I am so happy with him, I do not want to fuck it up. I don't even realise what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm not in control of myself. Seriously, I think I have all this potential and my psycho is getting in the way. I really have this super distrust of women. I think they are all backstabbing bitches other than two or three that have yet to fuck me over, however, Im not naive enough to think they haven't done it to others. I have this constant fear of not being good enough. I lack confidence. The other day I realised that the reason it is so hard for me to respect myself is because I have almost zero respect for women. I have no idea where I learned this growing up, but it exists in my mind today. I really hate it when I do this shit. I try so hard to take a step back, relax, take a breath....it never really seems to help. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am horrified there is something better than me out there for him. That thought makes me sick. I want to be what he wants and what he needs and I want nothing else to be able to take up that particular space in his life. I wonder at times if he does deserve much better than me. I have said some horrible things to him, and made him feel bad about himself...something I never wanted to do to anyone, especially him. I love him. I want him to know how special and wonderful I believe he is. How different and unique and perfect I think he is. I try so hard to let him know, and I'm not sure I ever really can...especially after some of the things I have said to him in anger. I don't know what either of us can do to make me feel differently. I'm trying SO hard. I just want to feel like the most important thing to him. I want to know that he views me and feels about me the way I feel about him.I love him immensely. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy. I want us happy and together, and together for always.
Old Myspace Post
Saturday, May 26, 2007 9:06 AM
Fuck me.
Current mood: numb
I cant get last night out of my head. I really felt like everything was going so well. It's funny how things just suddenly fuck up for no obvious reason. God. I felt so stupid. My pride was wounded badly, and all comfort I had was tossed on its head. I really felt like a complete fool.
I love him so very much. I honestly do love him more than anyone or anything. He turns me on my head, and makes me insane most days. HE makes me the good kind of insane, the whole situation we are in makes me the awful kind.
I really did just feel completely crushed. I am so use to just telling him how I feel. I so freely just say any and everything that comes to mind. He makes me feel so safe. After all this time, I was in this wonderful place that I could tell him how much I really do love him (even though my words always fall short) and I could tell him how much I miss him all the time. I was able to tell him how often I think about him, how much I wanted him and to be with him, and the worst- how much I actually do need him. I told him all this stuff and then some, and I never winced. I never thought twice. I wasn't scared.
For around two hours or so last night (well, around midnight-2 a.m.), I laid on my couch and cried. I cried and everything imaginable ran through my head. I realised that while I'm not back to square one, it will be uncomfortable again, atleast for awhile, for me to say those things to him, even though he is the only one I love with such intensity. One particular thought ran through my head over and over and over again, like I was torturing myself. "While you were all caught up, telling him you love him and how much time you want to spend with him....he was likely - more often than not- wishing he had more time to himself, without you."
I kept thinking about how much fun he is, and how I probably bring him down since this whole situation along with my fucked up life makes me act crazy. I was thinking that he deserves so much better than I have given him. I was thinking about how I wish I could be everything that I think he does deserve. I know he loves me and doesn't think the same way. Ofcourse, at that point last night, I wasn't rational. I was heartbroken, which is never rational lol.
I kept hearing how happy he sounded when he first called. He sounded so bright and cheerful and like he had been having fun. God, he was so sweet and affectionate. He said some really beautiful things. While we were talking then, I was so at peace. Everything felt harmonic. I was having trouble sleeping and he immediately relaxed me. I felt safe again, as I always do with him.
Then something happened. I was drifting to sleep and I don't even remember what I did wrong. I asked him not to go, to just wait for me to sleep. I thought I had been good lately. I thought I had been understanding and giving and I thought we both had more than enough space. I thought if I asked politely and lovingly that it would be okay to ask for him to stay and finish putting me to sleep. I don't care what other factors were involved, I wish I had never done it. I wish I had just been an adult and said goodnight. I wish I hadn't been weak enough to ask him to stay, to need him to stay. Once he was angry, for whatever reason(s) he was, It was only downhill. I get so upset and torn apart when I hear his voice change like that. When I make him sound like that, when it's something I've done, it tears me apart...it makes me almost hate myself.
Another thought while I laid on the couch, sniveling stupidly, was that I wish -I- could make him sound as happy as he did when he first called. I wish so badly I could make him that excited and that I could make him smile that way. Sometimes I'm afraid all I do is frustrate him.
Sometimes I think he is crazy for being in love with me. Crazy for putting up with me. Crazy for wanting what is me. Somedays my confidence dives off the deep end and into some abyss of self loathing and pity and shame. Today is one of those days. Then I begin to worry that he won't love me, not for all my faults, but because how i feel about myself - in every aspect ....emotionally, mentally, physically...- plummets sometimes. What he will think of me in every way rattles me today. Today I'm horrified he will hate everything.
I was so excited and confident and ready to go spend time with him.
I still want to visit and spend time with him. I still want it so very much.
I'm scared.
This whole fucking thing just drives me fucking insane. I love him, and I know that if we love each other, all this should work itself out eventually. My love for him and that fact doesn't change this all from sucking so badly.
I just really want him to be happy. If I end up happy and with what I want so badly also, then that's a bonus I guess.
I just don't know anymore. I just had to write until it was out of my system. I needed all of this NOT in me so I can just move on.
I love you. I love you far more than I'm use to loving anyone. Fuck. I love you scruffles.
Fuck me.
Current mood: numb
I cant get last night out of my head. I really felt like everything was going so well. It's funny how things just suddenly fuck up for no obvious reason. God. I felt so stupid. My pride was wounded badly, and all comfort I had was tossed on its head. I really felt like a complete fool.
I love him so very much. I honestly do love him more than anyone or anything. He turns me on my head, and makes me insane most days. HE makes me the good kind of insane, the whole situation we are in makes me the awful kind.
I really did just feel completely crushed. I am so use to just telling him how I feel. I so freely just say any and everything that comes to mind. He makes me feel so safe. After all this time, I was in this wonderful place that I could tell him how much I really do love him (even though my words always fall short) and I could tell him how much I miss him all the time. I was able to tell him how often I think about him, how much I wanted him and to be with him, and the worst- how much I actually do need him. I told him all this stuff and then some, and I never winced. I never thought twice. I wasn't scared.
For around two hours or so last night (well, around midnight-2 a.m.), I laid on my couch and cried. I cried and everything imaginable ran through my head. I realised that while I'm not back to square one, it will be uncomfortable again, atleast for awhile, for me to say those things to him, even though he is the only one I love with such intensity. One particular thought ran through my head over and over and over again, like I was torturing myself. "While you were all caught up, telling him you love him and how much time you want to spend with him....he was likely - more often than not- wishing he had more time to himself, without you."
I kept thinking about how much fun he is, and how I probably bring him down since this whole situation along with my fucked up life makes me act crazy. I was thinking that he deserves so much better than I have given him. I was thinking about how I wish I could be everything that I think he does deserve. I know he loves me and doesn't think the same way. Ofcourse, at that point last night, I wasn't rational. I was heartbroken, which is never rational lol.
I kept hearing how happy he sounded when he first called. He sounded so bright and cheerful and like he had been having fun. God, he was so sweet and affectionate. He said some really beautiful things. While we were talking then, I was so at peace. Everything felt harmonic. I was having trouble sleeping and he immediately relaxed me. I felt safe again, as I always do with him.
Then something happened. I was drifting to sleep and I don't even remember what I did wrong. I asked him not to go, to just wait for me to sleep. I thought I had been good lately. I thought I had been understanding and giving and I thought we both had more than enough space. I thought if I asked politely and lovingly that it would be okay to ask for him to stay and finish putting me to sleep. I don't care what other factors were involved, I wish I had never done it. I wish I had just been an adult and said goodnight. I wish I hadn't been weak enough to ask him to stay, to need him to stay. Once he was angry, for whatever reason(s) he was, It was only downhill. I get so upset and torn apart when I hear his voice change like that. When I make him sound like that, when it's something I've done, it tears me apart...it makes me almost hate myself.
Another thought while I laid on the couch, sniveling stupidly, was that I wish -I- could make him sound as happy as he did when he first called. I wish so badly I could make him that excited and that I could make him smile that way. Sometimes I'm afraid all I do is frustrate him.
Sometimes I think he is crazy for being in love with me. Crazy for putting up with me. Crazy for wanting what is me. Somedays my confidence dives off the deep end and into some abyss of self loathing and pity and shame. Today is one of those days. Then I begin to worry that he won't love me, not for all my faults, but because how i feel about myself - in every aspect ....emotionally, mentally, physically...- plummets sometimes. What he will think of me in every way rattles me today. Today I'm horrified he will hate everything.
I was so excited and confident and ready to go spend time with him.
I still want to visit and spend time with him. I still want it so very much.
I'm scared.
This whole fucking thing just drives me fucking insane. I love him, and I know that if we love each other, all this should work itself out eventually. My love for him and that fact doesn't change this all from sucking so badly.
I just really want him to be happy. If I end up happy and with what I want so badly also, then that's a bonus I guess.
I just don't know anymore. I just had to write until it was out of my system. I needed all of this NOT in me so I can just move on.
I love you. I love you far more than I'm use to loving anyone. Fuck. I love you scruffles.
Old Myspace Post
Monday, March 12, 2007 3:57 AM
A a few fucking confirmations for the world to see, and that I believe.
Current mood: calm
*I'm not a bad person.-I have made mistakes. There is absolutely no denying that. My mistakes range from the amazingly giant size ones to small, forgotten ones. What I have realised is that I'm a great, decent person who makes mistakes. My mistakes do not make me a bad person; they make me human like everyone else.
*I'm unique, and not in a bad way.- I can be very different from most of the people around me, and thats okay.It doesn't make me worse or better for wear. I'm not typical, and it's not a problem.
*I need people.- I do infact need people. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me a woman and a human. I need loving, supportive, people.
*I don't need people.- My self worth doesn't belong to anyone else. It's mine. What someone personally thinks of me doesn't change my value, nor is my value ever determined by someone else. No one needs to fix me, and even if I needed "fixing" I am the only one for that job.
*I'm valuable.- I'm not as worthless as I have felt in the past. I'm not as worthless as some think I am. Period.
*I'm the worst friend. -I'm flakey. I can be antisocial. I have hit silence on my phone when it rings.
*I'm the best friend.- I will constantly be there when needed. Anything a friend needs, I will give it to them if it is in my power to do so. All that is necessary is that they ask. I show appreciation for those who have been there for me, and helped me. It's not my fault if they do not notice because I have proven time and time again that I am grateful.
*I deal in positive reinforcement.- Much like a drug dealer, I continue to press and push positive reinforcement on to those around me. When an ego needs stroking, I have the fix. My doing this is not a bad thing.// I like to recieve positive reinforcement. Trust me, I know what I do wrong. I know where I need improvement. Tell me what I do right, tell me what is liked.
*I'm not hideous.-I'm not a ten. I will never be one. I need work. However, I'm not ugly, hideous, or disgusting; and the way I look, for better or worse, will not change the person I am.
*I'm grateful. - Thankful for every day on this earth, every memory, every expierence, every person scattered throughout my life.
*I'll be okay.- As Demetri would telll me, "You'll live". He is right, I will, infact, live....and by doing so, I will be okay.
*I'm not going to fall through.- I have always lived my life waiting for the bottom to fall out from under me again. I have realised that not every good moment in life causes the next horrific one. Even if that were the case, and the bottom consistently fell when predicted, I won't fall through to the rubble on the bottom. I have shown, over time, that even when I slip with the slide, I climb out of the broken pile.
*I am a Hypocondriac.- I have been for a very long time. It was confusing, to believe that I was ill with everything but what illness I actually have. It's not on purpose. I'm not a liar. I wish I could stop, and I'm trying to stop. I don't mean to cry wolf. I have panic and anxiety attacks. I do and will continue to rely on loved ones during those moments for as long as they will allow it.
*I'm not guilty.- Again, I have made mistakes. However, some things in life are unavoidable and will happen. At that moment, when it happens and the re-evaluation of choices begins, I have to be honest with myself. No matter how hard I tried or fought, no matter what I did or didn't do, I'm not responsible for her death. I'm not responsible for the death of anyone, but especially her...
*I'm only responsible for my own happiness.- I can't be all things to all people, no matter how hard I have tried in the past. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to make everyone happy, I can only make myself happy while making sure that my choices do not purposefully (or even non-purposefully) affect others in a negative way. I am mindful and concious and concerned with how my choices that lead to my happiness will affect those around me, but ultimately, if someone isn't happy, it is probably their own fault. I am willing to do what I can, but I can only do so much.
*I need time to myself.- I do apologise for all the people in my life that have "suffered" from moments of my "selfishness" when I decide it is time for me. The truth is, if I don't do this, I can't be happy or well.
*I'm intelligent.- I have done stupid things. I have said stupid things. Everyone does. Neither of those statements change the fact that I am a bright, intelligent woman who is opinionated and honest.
*I'm an addict.- Every day I make the concious choice to not use various substances (illegal drugs, alcohol, legal drugs, etc.) as a form of fullfillment and happiness. Somedays, I have been known to lose. Those days, even with the alcohol, are becoming fewer and farther between. Once and addict, always an addict. Being one doesn't make me less of a person, it only makes me a person with an extra choice.
*I'm strong.- I'm not as weak as I have always believed. I have endured, and I will continue to do so.
*I don't care what people say.- I value constructive criticism. Even when the truth hurts, I do appreciate it. However, the hurtful or negative things people say behind closed doors no longer bothers me. I am the way that I am, and people have every right to not like it. I will not apologise for being myself, only mistakes or tresspasses against others. At that point, it is their responsibility on how to handle the situation.
*It's alright for me to be happy.- I'm allowed happiness in life. Life doesn't have to be painful or dramatic its entire course. I no longer have to punish myself.
*I'm not selfish.- I give more than I recieve. I enjoy doing what I can to make everyone happy. If people do not see the caring, selfless things I do, it is no longer my problem. It is theirs.
*I'm a swirl.- I'm a crazy mass of molecules and contradictions and confusion and truths. I am everything, and I am nothing much. I'm a silly swirl of a person who has feelings and thoughts and choices to make. I am getting it together, and I'm getting on with my life. I have always been "crazy". I think too much, I let my emotions and thoughts snowball. I say I'm sorry. I get frustrated. I get upset. I get angry. I get happy. I get hyper. I get silly. I love too many people. I care too much. I get scared. I get cold. Everything. Nothing.I'm Shannon, and that is all I will ever be.
>>>>
I think this is completed, atleast for now. This entire post is public, but it was written for myself alone. I made it public, because as of right now, I whole heartedly believe the things I have written. If one person read this, I no longer owe it to only myself to make sure these things remain true.
Approximately a month ago, a doctor spoke the words "Tell me about yourself". My answer was much different than the list written here. The next few hours were some of the most heart-wrenching, painful, humiliating, and tear-filled moments of my life. When it was over, I had never felt more alive and free. I felt unloaded. I felt as though I could stand again. I could breathe again.
My response if she asked again would include a great deal of what I have written tonight. I think she would be surprised, anyone would be shocked, to read the difference in the answer. I have started my walk down a different road, and this one has street lights. I can see where my feet fall.
I am in no way shape or form "all better" or "cured" or "over it". The absolute truth is that I may never be. It may always be a battle with in my mind. I may continue to lose one day and win the next. The truth is, I wake up winning more often than not lately, and for right now, that is more than enough for me.
I'm so very grateful.
A a few fucking confirmations for the world to see, and that I believe.
Current mood: calm
*I'm not a bad person.-I have made mistakes. There is absolutely no denying that. My mistakes range from the amazingly giant size ones to small, forgotten ones. What I have realised is that I'm a great, decent person who makes mistakes. My mistakes do not make me a bad person; they make me human like everyone else.
*I'm unique, and not in a bad way.- I can be very different from most of the people around me, and thats okay.It doesn't make me worse or better for wear. I'm not typical, and it's not a problem.
*I need people.- I do infact need people. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me a woman and a human. I need loving, supportive, people.
*I don't need people.- My self worth doesn't belong to anyone else. It's mine. What someone personally thinks of me doesn't change my value, nor is my value ever determined by someone else. No one needs to fix me, and even if I needed "fixing" I am the only one for that job.
*I'm valuable.- I'm not as worthless as I have felt in the past. I'm not as worthless as some think I am. Period.
*I'm the worst friend. -I'm flakey. I can be antisocial. I have hit silence on my phone when it rings.
*I'm the best friend.- I will constantly be there when needed. Anything a friend needs, I will give it to them if it is in my power to do so. All that is necessary is that they ask. I show appreciation for those who have been there for me, and helped me. It's not my fault if they do not notice because I have proven time and time again that I am grateful.
*I deal in positive reinforcement.- Much like a drug dealer, I continue to press and push positive reinforcement on to those around me. When an ego needs stroking, I have the fix. My doing this is not a bad thing.// I like to recieve positive reinforcement. Trust me, I know what I do wrong. I know where I need improvement. Tell me what I do right, tell me what is liked.
*I'm not hideous.-I'm not a ten. I will never be one. I need work. However, I'm not ugly, hideous, or disgusting; and the way I look, for better or worse, will not change the person I am.
*I'm grateful. - Thankful for every day on this earth, every memory, every expierence, every person scattered throughout my life.
*I'll be okay.- As Demetri would telll me, "You'll live". He is right, I will, infact, live....and by doing so, I will be okay.
*I'm not going to fall through.- I have always lived my life waiting for the bottom to fall out from under me again. I have realised that not every good moment in life causes the next horrific one. Even if that were the case, and the bottom consistently fell when predicted, I won't fall through to the rubble on the bottom. I have shown, over time, that even when I slip with the slide, I climb out of the broken pile.
*I am a Hypocondriac.- I have been for a very long time. It was confusing, to believe that I was ill with everything but what illness I actually have. It's not on purpose. I'm not a liar. I wish I could stop, and I'm trying to stop. I don't mean to cry wolf. I have panic and anxiety attacks. I do and will continue to rely on loved ones during those moments for as long as they will allow it.
*I'm not guilty.- Again, I have made mistakes. However, some things in life are unavoidable and will happen. At that moment, when it happens and the re-evaluation of choices begins, I have to be honest with myself. No matter how hard I tried or fought, no matter what I did or didn't do, I'm not responsible for her death. I'm not responsible for the death of anyone, but especially her...
*I'm only responsible for my own happiness.- I can't be all things to all people, no matter how hard I have tried in the past. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to make everyone happy, I can only make myself happy while making sure that my choices do not purposefully (or even non-purposefully) affect others in a negative way. I am mindful and concious and concerned with how my choices that lead to my happiness will affect those around me, but ultimately, if someone isn't happy, it is probably their own fault. I am willing to do what I can, but I can only do so much.
*I need time to myself.- I do apologise for all the people in my life that have "suffered" from moments of my "selfishness" when I decide it is time for me. The truth is, if I don't do this, I can't be happy or well.
*I'm intelligent.- I have done stupid things. I have said stupid things. Everyone does. Neither of those statements change the fact that I am a bright, intelligent woman who is opinionated and honest.
*I'm an addict.- Every day I make the concious choice to not use various substances (illegal drugs, alcohol, legal drugs, etc.) as a form of fullfillment and happiness. Somedays, I have been known to lose. Those days, even with the alcohol, are becoming fewer and farther between. Once and addict, always an addict. Being one doesn't make me less of a person, it only makes me a person with an extra choice.
*I'm strong.- I'm not as weak as I have always believed. I have endured, and I will continue to do so.
*I don't care what people say.- I value constructive criticism. Even when the truth hurts, I do appreciate it. However, the hurtful or negative things people say behind closed doors no longer bothers me. I am the way that I am, and people have every right to not like it. I will not apologise for being myself, only mistakes or tresspasses against others. At that point, it is their responsibility on how to handle the situation.
*It's alright for me to be happy.- I'm allowed happiness in life. Life doesn't have to be painful or dramatic its entire course. I no longer have to punish myself.
*I'm not selfish.- I give more than I recieve. I enjoy doing what I can to make everyone happy. If people do not see the caring, selfless things I do, it is no longer my problem. It is theirs.
*I'm a swirl.- I'm a crazy mass of molecules and contradictions and confusion and truths. I am everything, and I am nothing much. I'm a silly swirl of a person who has feelings and thoughts and choices to make. I am getting it together, and I'm getting on with my life. I have always been "crazy". I think too much, I let my emotions and thoughts snowball. I say I'm sorry. I get frustrated. I get upset. I get angry. I get happy. I get hyper. I get silly. I love too many people. I care too much. I get scared. I get cold. Everything. Nothing.I'm Shannon, and that is all I will ever be.
>>>>
I think this is completed, atleast for now. This entire post is public, but it was written for myself alone. I made it public, because as of right now, I whole heartedly believe the things I have written. If one person read this, I no longer owe it to only myself to make sure these things remain true.
Approximately a month ago, a doctor spoke the words "Tell me about yourself". My answer was much different than the list written here. The next few hours were some of the most heart-wrenching, painful, humiliating, and tear-filled moments of my life. When it was over, I had never felt more alive and free. I felt unloaded. I felt as though I could stand again. I could breathe again.
My response if she asked again would include a great deal of what I have written tonight. I think she would be surprised, anyone would be shocked, to read the difference in the answer. I have started my walk down a different road, and this one has street lights. I can see where my feet fall.
I am in no way shape or form "all better" or "cured" or "over it". The absolute truth is that I may never be. It may always be a battle with in my mind. I may continue to lose one day and win the next. The truth is, I wake up winning more often than not lately, and for right now, that is more than enough for me.
I'm so very grateful.
Old Myspace Post
Tuesday, February 06, 2007 4:21 PM
Not alone.
I like you because you are just as bitter, if not moreso, than I am.
I think you are beautiful.
Not alone.
I like you because you are just as bitter, if not moreso, than I am.
I think you are beautiful.
Old Myspace Post
Tuesday, January 16, 2007 8:51 AM
When you sleep, did you know?
You sound so vulnerable and fragile, and the impulse to slither my arms around you is completely irresistable.
The desire and need to lie with you while listening to that soothing, steady beat is enough to make everything melt away.
"Come here" is often the first thing I whisper once your breathing slows.
The typical mumbled response and rustle of you moving makes my heart swell, and a content smile spread across my face.
I delicately speak your name, and hold my breath.
Once I am certain no response will come, I close my eyes for a bit and just listen to the wonderful stability you provide.
In your celestial slumber, you become my priest.
With every inhalation you make, I spill confessions from my tongue.
You are aware of my every heartache, every apology needed, every tear.
I have told you everything, and your heart cleanses mine.
With every exhalation you make, I pour desires from my tongue.
You are aware of my every dream, every want, every need.
Your sleeping heart is my dream box, and I constantly crave to hold it each morning when I wake and each night before I sleep.
As I settle in to the blissful, restful trance that is sleeping with you, I lightly speak the words " I love you" and kiss you.
No matter how deep your slumber, you always return the love mid-doze.
I sleep, and my heart holds yours as if it's in prayer.
Wishes ignite.
You're the perfect dream.
I sleep, and my heart kneels before you to heal.
Bless me, Demetri, for I have sinned.
Your forgiveness is painfully miraculous.
1 Comment
Aftershock
Corey Owens
Demetri is gay,that is all,ty plz drive thru o0o
When you sleep, did you know?
You sound so vulnerable and fragile, and the impulse to slither my arms around you is completely irresistable.
The desire and need to lie with you while listening to that soothing, steady beat is enough to make everything melt away.
"Come here" is often the first thing I whisper once your breathing slows.
The typical mumbled response and rustle of you moving makes my heart swell, and a content smile spread across my face.
I delicately speak your name, and hold my breath.
Once I am certain no response will come, I close my eyes for a bit and just listen to the wonderful stability you provide.
In your celestial slumber, you become my priest.
With every inhalation you make, I spill confessions from my tongue.
You are aware of my every heartache, every apology needed, every tear.
I have told you everything, and your heart cleanses mine.
With every exhalation you make, I pour desires from my tongue.
You are aware of my every dream, every want, every need.
Your sleeping heart is my dream box, and I constantly crave to hold it each morning when I wake and each night before I sleep.
As I settle in to the blissful, restful trance that is sleeping with you, I lightly speak the words " I love you" and kiss you.
No matter how deep your slumber, you always return the love mid-doze.
I sleep, and my heart holds yours as if it's in prayer.
Wishes ignite.
You're the perfect dream.
I sleep, and my heart kneels before you to heal.
Bless me, Demetri, for I have sinned.
Your forgiveness is painfully miraculous.
1 Comment
Aftershock
Corey Owens
Demetri is gay,that is all,ty plz drive thru o0o
Old Myspace Post
Friday, December 08, 2006 8:44 PM
I'm well aware...
that I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world because I have him.
I'm well aware...
that I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world because I have him.
Old Myspace Post
Monday, December 04, 2006 9:03 AM
My Nightmare...
Current mood: contemplative
Last night, I had a panic/anxiety attack. When I finally went to sleep (thanks), I had what I would deem as a nightmare (defined as: 1. a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.) until further inspection of the dream. It is still completely clear in my mind..almost hauntingly so. On with the dream description I suppose...
I was in bed taking a nap in my old bedroom in Mississippi (this is where i actually was sleeping when the dream took place, except it is very much changed now), and it looked exactly as if it had been untouched since the day I moved out. I woke to lots of voices in the living room and kitchen. I distinctly heard my grandfather say "she won't help me". I roused, and walked into the mass of people standing in the doorway that leads from the kitchen to the living room. They were strangers for the most part, but I somehow knew they were family. I informed them sarcastically "Yea, I refuse to help him, I'm a cold hearted bitch". They chuckled at me, which I thought was odd. I turned to return to my bedroom when I saw my grandfather's girlfriend, Lela, sitting at the kitchen table. She smiled and said "Do you want to see something amazing?". I shrugged at her, and was going to continue on my way, when suddenly she cackled and rolled a wheelchair out of nowhere in front of me, there was someone sitting in it, and in all honesty I was terrified to look. I closed my eyes tight and knew she was turning the wheel chair around to face me. A woman cleared her throat, and my eyes snapped open. Lela exclaimed "doesn't she look JUST look your grandmother?". My knees buckled and I hit the floor in front of the wheelchair. I stared up at a woman who looked exactly like my grandmother who died 10 years ago. She had all the same handicaps, the same face, the same hair, the same voice when she managed to form words, the same throat clearing that meant pay attention. I couldn't breathe for a moment, and then the woman who looked like my grandmother laughed at me. I jumped to my feet and darted for my bedroom. Behind me, everyone gathered around the wheelchair and began to talk and laugh almost merrily.
I decided I had to tell Kathy what was going on. I hadn't told her about the dream I had when my grandmother died. My grandmother came to me in a dream and told me she was in hell. I had always kept that to myself, but now I was afraid I had died and gone to hell or the dead were walking the earth or who knows..the only thing I KNEW I must do was find my mom (Kathy) and tell her about this dire situation.
I rounded the corner to walk down the hall to my bedroom and it was suddenly darker and longer than it should be. Kathy was also in a wheelchair, which struck me as odd as well, in the hall. I ran to her, and she smiled and welcomed me with a hug. I threw my arms around her as though I hadn't seen her in years upon years, which once again struck an odd feeling in the back of my mind. I didn't understand what was going on, and I didn't comprehend why I felt a longing ease upon seeing her. I took a second glance at her face, and the flood of realization was torrential. I held in my gasp and, instead, looked at her puzzled and asked what she was doing here.
She seemed confused why I would ask her such a question. Kathy then told me she wa sick, and needed me to take care of her more. Even knowing what I knew, that my mother was very dead, I couldn't refuse her. I helped her into the bed, and she wanted to change her clothes. She insisted they were quite dirty. I helped her undress, and I noticed her body was strange. She had said she felt sick to her stomach, and now she seemed misshapen. Her stomach just didn't look right, it seemed larger or bloated. I told her I would check on it once I got her clean clothes out of the closet.
I returned to find her lying on the bed, watching tv, naked, still looking misshapen. Kathy smiled at me, as if she felt better and nothing was wrong. I felt compelled to tell her repeatedly that I love her. I did say "I love you." and she said "I love you too shanny, and I'm so sorry." I tried to tell her there was nothing to be sorry about, but she insisted on apologising. She never mentioned why she was apologetic. I put on rubber gloves, and told her I was going to press on her stomach to see if it still felt bad.
I pressed, she didn't respond, but her tummy gave way a bit more than it should when you press on someone. I kneeled by the bed to be eye level with her body, and I saw a large incision. Remembering all that we had been through with her surgery-even if she acted as though it never happened and she hadn't died, I had no second thoughts about checking it for staples and infection. The instant my finger tips touched the incision it spread and become more or less a gaping hole. I peered inside and found she was completely empty. No organs, no blood, nothing...just empty. Momentarily, I thought I was going to be sick, and then I was just fascinated. I stood, and looked down at her...I stared at Kathy...at my mother...stared at her knowing she was only superficial. Just skin cells and teeth and hair and eyes. I managed to smile at her, even knowing there was nothing more to her than what I could see.
Finally, her refusal to admit the obvious became maddening. I demanded she tell me why she had come back. Kathy looked at me puzzled, but I only got more adamant. Finally, I blurted out " Why the hell are you here? Why are you acting like the past few months never happened? Why are you pretending you aren't dead?". She sighed, and frowned at me, and a single tear fell down her face. She looked at me with the saddest expression imaginable, and spoke to me. Kathy said to me "Shannon, if we pretend it didn't happen, I can stay here forever, with you. Now you have ruined it, you have admitted the truth and I'm not sure I can stay." I began to cry, and scream that I was sorry. She told me to calm down, because she had something important to tell me. Kathy's expression changed to the one she used when handling police business..very somber and serious...she almost whispered "Shanny, they killed me. Whatever that doctor gave me killed me. Murder. It isn't acceptable, I can't accept it." I couldn't speak for a very long time.
When I finally figured it was time to say something, not just leave her lying there staring at me, I took a deep breath and told her she had to get dressed. I helped her into a wheelchair and rolled her into the bathroom. I kneeled in front of her, held back all of my tears, and told her I loved her. Then I said, "You can't stay. Go home." She frowned at me again, and I started apologising. She asked me why I was sorry, and I said "For what I'm about to do to you." I then started flat out begging her to "Go home." She nodded, and smiled at me. She said "that isn't something to be sorry for, you are doing the right thing, now help me leave." I hugged her, and she told me she was going and to never worry. When I pulled away, she said pieces of her had already gone, and now more were going and to help her. I realised what she meant at that point when I saw parts of her had decayed. I held my breath and began, for lack of a better description, peel her. Kathy and I, in the bathroom, peeled her body away. She smiled the entire time, like she was happy, as I touched her and she began to crumble. Dust, black sometimes, white other times, fell to the floor and disappeared. Eventually nothing was left but her nightgown I had just dressed her in. I threw it in the trash can under the sink. I sat in the wheelchair, and finally took a breath. The moment I inhaled I began to weep. Wail would be a better description..not cry...or weep...but to shed tears so loudly I was screaming. I wailed so long and so hard my shirt was soaking wet. I got up, trembling, returned to my room to change my clothes.
I woke up. Oddly enough,even though the dream was truly nightmarish to experience at first, I woke up more well rested than I have in weeks. If you have any thoughts whatsoever, please comment. It was, and still is, so haunting. I wish I knew more about dreams....
3 Comments
Setzer Valorin
How we wake up from a dream is strongly indicative of whether or not it was a nightmare. That you woke up feeling well rested instead of a tightness in your chest, or experiencing heavy breathing means that your mind was not in a state of fear through the dream.
The way you describe it all...it seems really beautiful to me. I wanted to talk to you about before work, but I'll call you when I get home, and we can talk about it. I love you, baby.
Questorr
Nunya Bizness
Closure...Yeah Probably not spelled correctly but as I haven't seen a school since '93 you'll have to forgive me 8oP. In any case. It SOUNDS like your mind was dealing with all your grief and you are ready to..well let go as it were. Sorry if that sounds inane but that was my take on it. *hugs*
Aftershock
Corey Owens
i had dreams about Kelly simliar to this a few years after she died.ill tell you about em when i talk to you next,not something i want to post up for everyone to see.
My Nightmare...
Current mood: contemplative
Last night, I had a panic/anxiety attack. When I finally went to sleep (thanks), I had what I would deem as a nightmare (defined as: 1. a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.) until further inspection of the dream. It is still completely clear in my mind..almost hauntingly so. On with the dream description I suppose...
I was in bed taking a nap in my old bedroom in Mississippi (this is where i actually was sleeping when the dream took place, except it is very much changed now), and it looked exactly as if it had been untouched since the day I moved out. I woke to lots of voices in the living room and kitchen. I distinctly heard my grandfather say "she won't help me". I roused, and walked into the mass of people standing in the doorway that leads from the kitchen to the living room. They were strangers for the most part, but I somehow knew they were family. I informed them sarcastically "Yea, I refuse to help him, I'm a cold hearted bitch". They chuckled at me, which I thought was odd. I turned to return to my bedroom when I saw my grandfather's girlfriend, Lela, sitting at the kitchen table. She smiled and said "Do you want to see something amazing?". I shrugged at her, and was going to continue on my way, when suddenly she cackled and rolled a wheelchair out of nowhere in front of me, there was someone sitting in it, and in all honesty I was terrified to look. I closed my eyes tight and knew she was turning the wheel chair around to face me. A woman cleared her throat, and my eyes snapped open. Lela exclaimed "doesn't she look JUST look your grandmother?". My knees buckled and I hit the floor in front of the wheelchair. I stared up at a woman who looked exactly like my grandmother who died 10 years ago. She had all the same handicaps, the same face, the same hair, the same voice when she managed to form words, the same throat clearing that meant pay attention. I couldn't breathe for a moment, and then the woman who looked like my grandmother laughed at me. I jumped to my feet and darted for my bedroom. Behind me, everyone gathered around the wheelchair and began to talk and laugh almost merrily.
I decided I had to tell Kathy what was going on. I hadn't told her about the dream I had when my grandmother died. My grandmother came to me in a dream and told me she was in hell. I had always kept that to myself, but now I was afraid I had died and gone to hell or the dead were walking the earth or who knows..the only thing I KNEW I must do was find my mom (Kathy) and tell her about this dire situation.
I rounded the corner to walk down the hall to my bedroom and it was suddenly darker and longer than it should be. Kathy was also in a wheelchair, which struck me as odd as well, in the hall. I ran to her, and she smiled and welcomed me with a hug. I threw my arms around her as though I hadn't seen her in years upon years, which once again struck an odd feeling in the back of my mind. I didn't understand what was going on, and I didn't comprehend why I felt a longing ease upon seeing her. I took a second glance at her face, and the flood of realization was torrential. I held in my gasp and, instead, looked at her puzzled and asked what she was doing here.
She seemed confused why I would ask her such a question. Kathy then told me she wa sick, and needed me to take care of her more. Even knowing what I knew, that my mother was very dead, I couldn't refuse her. I helped her into the bed, and she wanted to change her clothes. She insisted they were quite dirty. I helped her undress, and I noticed her body was strange. She had said she felt sick to her stomach, and now she seemed misshapen. Her stomach just didn't look right, it seemed larger or bloated. I told her I would check on it once I got her clean clothes out of the closet.
I returned to find her lying on the bed, watching tv, naked, still looking misshapen. Kathy smiled at me, as if she felt better and nothing was wrong. I felt compelled to tell her repeatedly that I love her. I did say "I love you." and she said "I love you too shanny, and I'm so sorry." I tried to tell her there was nothing to be sorry about, but she insisted on apologising. She never mentioned why she was apologetic. I put on rubber gloves, and told her I was going to press on her stomach to see if it still felt bad.
I pressed, she didn't respond, but her tummy gave way a bit more than it should when you press on someone. I kneeled by the bed to be eye level with her body, and I saw a large incision. Remembering all that we had been through with her surgery-even if she acted as though it never happened and she hadn't died, I had no second thoughts about checking it for staples and infection. The instant my finger tips touched the incision it spread and become more or less a gaping hole. I peered inside and found she was completely empty. No organs, no blood, nothing...just empty. Momentarily, I thought I was going to be sick, and then I was just fascinated. I stood, and looked down at her...I stared at Kathy...at my mother...stared at her knowing she was only superficial. Just skin cells and teeth and hair and eyes. I managed to smile at her, even knowing there was nothing more to her than what I could see.
Finally, her refusal to admit the obvious became maddening. I demanded she tell me why she had come back. Kathy looked at me puzzled, but I only got more adamant. Finally, I blurted out " Why the hell are you here? Why are you acting like the past few months never happened? Why are you pretending you aren't dead?". She sighed, and frowned at me, and a single tear fell down her face. She looked at me with the saddest expression imaginable, and spoke to me. Kathy said to me "Shannon, if we pretend it didn't happen, I can stay here forever, with you. Now you have ruined it, you have admitted the truth and I'm not sure I can stay." I began to cry, and scream that I was sorry. She told me to calm down, because she had something important to tell me. Kathy's expression changed to the one she used when handling police business..very somber and serious...she almost whispered "Shanny, they killed me. Whatever that doctor gave me killed me. Murder. It isn't acceptable, I can't accept it." I couldn't speak for a very long time.
When I finally figured it was time to say something, not just leave her lying there staring at me, I took a deep breath and told her she had to get dressed. I helped her into a wheelchair and rolled her into the bathroom. I kneeled in front of her, held back all of my tears, and told her I loved her. Then I said, "You can't stay. Go home." She frowned at me again, and I started apologising. She asked me why I was sorry, and I said "For what I'm about to do to you." I then started flat out begging her to "Go home." She nodded, and smiled at me. She said "that isn't something to be sorry for, you are doing the right thing, now help me leave." I hugged her, and she told me she was going and to never worry. When I pulled away, she said pieces of her had already gone, and now more were going and to help her. I realised what she meant at that point when I saw parts of her had decayed. I held my breath and began, for lack of a better description, peel her. Kathy and I, in the bathroom, peeled her body away. She smiled the entire time, like she was happy, as I touched her and she began to crumble. Dust, black sometimes, white other times, fell to the floor and disappeared. Eventually nothing was left but her nightgown I had just dressed her in. I threw it in the trash can under the sink. I sat in the wheelchair, and finally took a breath. The moment I inhaled I began to weep. Wail would be a better description..not cry...or weep...but to shed tears so loudly I was screaming. I wailed so long and so hard my shirt was soaking wet. I got up, trembling, returned to my room to change my clothes.
I woke up. Oddly enough,even though the dream was truly nightmarish to experience at first, I woke up more well rested than I have in weeks. If you have any thoughts whatsoever, please comment. It was, and still is, so haunting. I wish I knew more about dreams....
3 Comments
Setzer Valorin
How we wake up from a dream is strongly indicative of whether or not it was a nightmare. That you woke up feeling well rested instead of a tightness in your chest, or experiencing heavy breathing means that your mind was not in a state of fear through the dream.
The way you describe it all...it seems really beautiful to me. I wanted to talk to you about before work, but I'll call you when I get home, and we can talk about it. I love you, baby.
Questorr
Nunya Bizness
Closure...Yeah Probably not spelled correctly but as I haven't seen a school since '93 you'll have to forgive me 8oP. In any case. It SOUNDS like your mind was dealing with all your grief and you are ready to..well let go as it were. Sorry if that sounds inane but that was my take on it. *hugs*
Aftershock
Corey Owens
i had dreams about Kelly simliar to this a few years after she died.ill tell you about em when i talk to you next,not something i want to post up for everyone to see.
Old Myspace Post
Monday, November 27, 2006 5:42 PM
The night with Robyn..
So, after she almost bugged me to death all day, I went to hang out with Robyn last night. Robyn, Jeremy (her husband), and myself went to Jeremy's brothers house. I evidently went to school with his brother, but I don't remember him. They had a bonfire, and I had way too much to drink. I suppose around ten or something, we had to leave because a light in my car at home was blinking and my grandfather wanted me to bring the keys to turn it off. We got to my house and did a horrible job at pretending to be sober. Then on the ride home, Jeremy and his friend Chris kept wanting to shoot the gun out the window or find a deer to kill. We ended up Robyn's where we continued to just be drunk and stupid. Robyn is a cheating whore at Disney's Scene it, Country boys will wait on you hand & foot, and Country boys also shoot out the backdoor,fyi. Anyway...some pictures..these are the only ones that were really visible and made sense lol.
The night with Robyn..
So, after she almost bugged me to death all day, I went to hang out with Robyn last night. Robyn, Jeremy (her husband), and myself went to Jeremy's brothers house. I evidently went to school with his brother, but I don't remember him. They had a bonfire, and I had way too much to drink. I suppose around ten or something, we had to leave because a light in my car at home was blinking and my grandfather wanted me to bring the keys to turn it off. We got to my house and did a horrible job at pretending to be sober. Then on the ride home, Jeremy and his friend Chris kept wanting to shoot the gun out the window or find a deer to kill. We ended up Robyn's where we continued to just be drunk and stupid. Robyn is a cheating whore at Disney's Scene it, Country boys will wait on you hand & foot, and Country boys also shoot out the backdoor,fyi. Anyway...some pictures..these are the only ones that were really visible and made sense lol.
Old Myspace Post
Sunday, November 26, 2006 5:18 PM
Funeral..
My Speech-
.... Kathy was an incredibly special woman. I am sure every daughter in my situation claims the same thing, but in her case it is overly true. Kathy was also a very strong woman, and if she imparted even a fourth of her strength onto me, then I shall be a very lucky one.
...... My mother had the ability to be completely selfless. She lived her life for other people, and that was not something to pity. That is what fullfilled her life and made her smile. Kathy loved to smile. She wouldn't want us to spend too much time mourning because she loved to laugh and loved to see the people she cared for be happy and merry.
.... Whether you knew her as Kathy, Taffy as I called her for many years, Kat, Katwoman, p93, or her various other nicknames, you did know she was there to make you giggle, and always to have your back as they say. Kathy never met a stranger in her entire life, and would always tell it like it was-whether you wanted to hear it or not. She put her heart and soul into everything she did-her family, friends, her job, and her many crafty hobbies.
...... Kathy left us at a time we all will forever feel was much too soon. I have found comfort in knowing that all her life, no matter how hard at times, she never gave up and never stop being what we all loved-herself, her naturally beautiful self. I ask of you all-her friends, family, and co-workers-Remember her laugh, Remember her wild escapades and funny adventures she took us on, and remember that she loved each and every one of you deeply.. in a way only Kathy could...
Funeral..
My Speech-
.... Kathy was an incredibly special woman. I am sure every daughter in my situation claims the same thing, but in her case it is overly true. Kathy was also a very strong woman, and if she imparted even a fourth of her strength onto me, then I shall be a very lucky one.
...... My mother had the ability to be completely selfless. She lived her life for other people, and that was not something to pity. That is what fullfilled her life and made her smile. Kathy loved to smile. She wouldn't want us to spend too much time mourning because she loved to laugh and loved to see the people she cared for be happy and merry.
.... Whether you knew her as Kathy, Taffy as I called her for many years, Kat, Katwoman, p93, or her various other nicknames, you did know she was there to make you giggle, and always to have your back as they say. Kathy never met a stranger in her entire life, and would always tell it like it was-whether you wanted to hear it or not. She put her heart and soul into everything she did-her family, friends, her job, and her many crafty hobbies.
...... Kathy left us at a time we all will forever feel was much too soon. I have found comfort in knowing that all her life, no matter how hard at times, she never gave up and never stop being what we all loved-herself, her naturally beautiful self. I ask of you all-her friends, family, and co-workers-Remember her laugh, Remember her wild escapades and funny adventures she took us on, and remember that she loved each and every one of you deeply.. in a way only Kathy could...
Old Myspace Post
Sunday, November 12, 2006 9:45 AM
Jesus Christ *dramatic sigh*
Current mood: content
The whole situation is completely irrational.
It's just as frenzied and moonstruck as you make me.
The feeling is so overwhelming at times, and I would never modify it.
All the things I wish I could say would never properly leave my lips.
The desire to repeat myself until it flows out correctly is maddening.
The frustration of thinking "I love you" isn't enough to portray how I feel is all consuming.
There is no account of why or how it happened, and I do not even wish for an explanation if there could be one found.
I am painstakingly and entirely intoxicated.
I have never known a love-drunk quite like this before.
I despise feeling like a flighty, foolhardy girl.
I have made zero attempts to ever cease it.
I lap it up elatedly, and roll it over my tongue like a rare, expensive wine.
I wish I didn't feel so chagrined in admitting it all to you, but even the soft, bashful blushes you induce aren't enough to stop me from things like this.
I'm left to ponder what exactly is so distinctive and exceptional about you.
The answer is Everything it seems.
My tolerance of it all is infinite.
You provide a comfort and gratification found no place else.
Despite all the fear and doubt, I just closed my eyes, held my breath, and dove head first.
The water feels fine.
I wanted to describe you as the water surrounding me, keeping me afloat.
I find it much more appropriate to refer to you as the necaterous breath of air inhaled when breaking the surface after having been held under far too long.
I think absolutely too much, and I consistently pray you do also.
I'd love to beg you to say what I'm thinking and feeling, and you own it.
I like to hope there is no need for you to do so because I already know.
Jesus Christ *dramatic sigh*
Current mood: content
The whole situation is completely irrational.
It's just as frenzied and moonstruck as you make me.
The feeling is so overwhelming at times, and I would never modify it.
All the things I wish I could say would never properly leave my lips.
The desire to repeat myself until it flows out correctly is maddening.
The frustration of thinking "I love you" isn't enough to portray how I feel is all consuming.
There is no account of why or how it happened, and I do not even wish for an explanation if there could be one found.
I am painstakingly and entirely intoxicated.
I have never known a love-drunk quite like this before.
I despise feeling like a flighty, foolhardy girl.
I have made zero attempts to ever cease it.
I lap it up elatedly, and roll it over my tongue like a rare, expensive wine.
I wish I didn't feel so chagrined in admitting it all to you, but even the soft, bashful blushes you induce aren't enough to stop me from things like this.
I'm left to ponder what exactly is so distinctive and exceptional about you.
The answer is Everything it seems.
My tolerance of it all is infinite.
You provide a comfort and gratification found no place else.
Despite all the fear and doubt, I just closed my eyes, held my breath, and dove head first.
The water feels fine.
I wanted to describe you as the water surrounding me, keeping me afloat.
I find it much more appropriate to refer to you as the necaterous breath of air inhaled when breaking the surface after having been held under far too long.
I think absolutely too much, and I consistently pray you do also.
I'd love to beg you to say what I'm thinking and feeling, and you own it.
I like to hope there is no need for you to do so because I already know.
Old Myspace Post
Saturday, November 11, 2006 5:21 PM
How I feel at this very moment..
Current mood: scared
I wish I had left well enough alone.
I always do this.
Everything was fine; it was great actually.
You were overly sweet and talkative and your typical amazing self.
It was such a stupid idea on my part.
I suppose I should've known better...I just thought...
At this point, maybe it doesn't matter what I thought because I was very mistaken.
I mean...I just totally misunderstood.
I thought it was a good idea...and now I realise that is all it is.
A nice idea...maybe not such a nice reality.
I have gone over and over and over everything in my head you could possibly imagine.
I have no closing thoughts or end result on the matter.
I wish it weren't like this.
I wish you didn't think how you do about it all.
I wish that you really wanted me to be more than I am...
Not like, super committed or anything like that...
Just..more than "this".
I guess I just wish that you thought I was worth it, or that maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
I wish you weren't confused or whatever it is you are, and I love you and respect you enough never to ask you not to be.
I'd love for you to feel like I feel, but I definitely love you the way you are- being your own person.
I would adore you having meant it all when you said "I wish I could" or "I wish you were" or "Why aren't you here yet".
I wish it were easy, but it never is.
I wish it didn't snowball, crash into my heart, and freeze me.
Regardless of everything I have thought and felt today, two things are the most important and will NEVER change.
1. I love you (bunches)
2. I am so grateful for your honesty, especially in tough situations like this one.
Now...myself and my delusional "good" ideas are gonna curl up in a blanket, cry a little, and then just move on.
You are lucky I love you.
How I feel at this very moment..
Current mood: scared
I wish I had left well enough alone.
I always do this.
Everything was fine; it was great actually.
You were overly sweet and talkative and your typical amazing self.
It was such a stupid idea on my part.
I suppose I should've known better...I just thought...
At this point, maybe it doesn't matter what I thought because I was very mistaken.
I mean...I just totally misunderstood.
I thought it was a good idea...and now I realise that is all it is.
A nice idea...maybe not such a nice reality.
I have gone over and over and over everything in my head you could possibly imagine.
I have no closing thoughts or end result on the matter.
I wish it weren't like this.
I wish you didn't think how you do about it all.
I wish that you really wanted me to be more than I am...
Not like, super committed or anything like that...
Just..more than "this".
I guess I just wish that you thought I was worth it, or that maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
I wish you weren't confused or whatever it is you are, and I love you and respect you enough never to ask you not to be.
I'd love for you to feel like I feel, but I definitely love you the way you are- being your own person.
I would adore you having meant it all when you said "I wish I could" or "I wish you were" or "Why aren't you here yet".
I wish it were easy, but it never is.
I wish it didn't snowball, crash into my heart, and freeze me.
Regardless of everything I have thought and felt today, two things are the most important and will NEVER change.
1. I love you (bunches)
2. I am so grateful for your honesty, especially in tough situations like this one.
Now...myself and my delusional "good" ideas are gonna curl up in a blanket, cry a little, and then just move on.
You are lucky I love you.
Old Myspace Post
Friday, November 10, 2006 4:57 PM
How I felt...
This is how I felt the day after we had the conversation about you not having a girlfriend...
Despite the fact I care so much, I suppose all I have done is hurt you.
I would love to think I'm just what you need and what you want; but I'm afraid that is a pipe dream.
I want to ask you for things to only change for the better.
I want to beg you never to push me away; but I could never hate you for doing so if you did.
Sometimes you were difficult.
I was overly so.
Sometimes I found myself never doubting you.
Mostly I was scared, confused, and gun shy to no visible end.
Considering the situation, I gave you as much as I could.
I let you have as much as you what let me give, honestly.
I know you need more and no matter how close, this isn't enough or the same.
You never asked for anything else.
I told you a hundred times you could have whatever.
I am left to realise maybe you didn't want it.
However, if that was the case, then why all of "this" for so long?
I'm left confused and guilt ridden and aching.
If you possibly can look past myself behaviour, you would definitely see through all of "this" all I really cared about was you.
I know I focus on me quite a bit, especially when I talk.
It is some very crazy, fucked up defense mechanism.
I want you to be happy with who and how you are.
I want you to have what you need and want-no matter what that is.
I'm not so much concerned with how I might feel and you shouldn't be afraid of how I will react.
How I feel is my issue to deal with, not yours.
I know you care what I think and what I feel.
In the same turn, I care about you the same way and knowing what I know now...
I feel as though no matter how either of us cared all I did was cause trouble.
You may disagree, but I feel like I complicated the last few months of your life.
I have few regrets in all of it, all are faults of mine.
I feel as though it's done.
Please note I didn't say I want it to be done, just that it feels that way.
Infact, I completely want the opposite of "this" being done.
I would love for it to be the complete other end of the spectrum from done.
I'd love to hear you say all the magical words you say while I'm asleep.
All the giggles, I love yous, the phone sex, the I want yous, the ego strokes, the tears, the trust, the confidence...I sometimes feel like I gave it away so easily.
I tried to hold back at times, but you always made it so safe.
You made it feel okay to be open and upfront from the beginning of "this".
I just gave it all away, or I feel like I did.
I'm not saying I didn't want to or I regret it.
I'm just considering that perhaps things would be more simple all around if I had not.
So much has run through my head-correct and incorrect- my hand can't keep up.
I continiously stop myself from writing the things that are blatantly not true.
The things I think just to hurt myself.
I wish I wasn't so...frustrating, difficult, and self absorbed.
I've actually learned quite a few things from having fallen in love with you.
Thank you.
I've pretty much attempted to shove everything I want out of my head.
The one thing that remains I can't seem to shake sounds strange and incorrect.
I know you love when I start things like that..
I'd adore hearing you invite me to your bed, and it not be for the most awesome sex ever.
I'm not denying I wouldnt want to, or that I wouldn't love it.
I just want you, and not like that.
Things will likely never be how I wish they could be.
Maybe I have always known that.
I can't help but laugh as I flip back through this book I started writing inside during January or so.
The great majority of stuff about you is slightly fun.
Somethings you've seen, and some you never will.
The end result of everything is...
I love you, I care, and I just wish you had whispered "come here" and meant it.
I am so sorry.
How I felt...
This is how I felt the day after we had the conversation about you not having a girlfriend...
Despite the fact I care so much, I suppose all I have done is hurt you.
I would love to think I'm just what you need and what you want; but I'm afraid that is a pipe dream.
I want to ask you for things to only change for the better.
I want to beg you never to push me away; but I could never hate you for doing so if you did.
Sometimes you were difficult.
I was overly so.
Sometimes I found myself never doubting you.
Mostly I was scared, confused, and gun shy to no visible end.
Considering the situation, I gave you as much as I could.
I let you have as much as you what let me give, honestly.
I know you need more and no matter how close, this isn't enough or the same.
You never asked for anything else.
I told you a hundred times you could have whatever.
I am left to realise maybe you didn't want it.
However, if that was the case, then why all of "this" for so long?
I'm left confused and guilt ridden and aching.
If you possibly can look past myself behaviour, you would definitely see through all of "this" all I really cared about was you.
I know I focus on me quite a bit, especially when I talk.
It is some very crazy, fucked up defense mechanism.
I want you to be happy with who and how you are.
I want you to have what you need and want-no matter what that is.
I'm not so much concerned with how I might feel and you shouldn't be afraid of how I will react.
How I feel is my issue to deal with, not yours.
I know you care what I think and what I feel.
In the same turn, I care about you the same way and knowing what I know now...
I feel as though no matter how either of us cared all I did was cause trouble.
You may disagree, but I feel like I complicated the last few months of your life.
I have few regrets in all of it, all are faults of mine.
I feel as though it's done.
Please note I didn't say I want it to be done, just that it feels that way.
Infact, I completely want the opposite of "this" being done.
I would love for it to be the complete other end of the spectrum from done.
I'd love to hear you say all the magical words you say while I'm asleep.
All the giggles, I love yous, the phone sex, the I want yous, the ego strokes, the tears, the trust, the confidence...I sometimes feel like I gave it away so easily.
I tried to hold back at times, but you always made it so safe.
You made it feel okay to be open and upfront from the beginning of "this".
I just gave it all away, or I feel like I did.
I'm not saying I didn't want to or I regret it.
I'm just considering that perhaps things would be more simple all around if I had not.
So much has run through my head-correct and incorrect- my hand can't keep up.
I continiously stop myself from writing the things that are blatantly not true.
The things I think just to hurt myself.
I wish I wasn't so...frustrating, difficult, and self absorbed.
I've actually learned quite a few things from having fallen in love with you.
Thank you.
I've pretty much attempted to shove everything I want out of my head.
The one thing that remains I can't seem to shake sounds strange and incorrect.
I know you love when I start things like that..
I'd adore hearing you invite me to your bed, and it not be for the most awesome sex ever.
I'm not denying I wouldnt want to, or that I wouldn't love it.
I just want you, and not like that.
Things will likely never be how I wish they could be.
Maybe I have always known that.
I can't help but laugh as I flip back through this book I started writing inside during January or so.
The great majority of stuff about you is slightly fun.
Somethings you've seen, and some you never will.
The end result of everything is...
I love you, I care, and I just wish you had whispered "come here" and meant it.
I am so sorry.
Old Myspace Post
Thursday, November 09, 2006 10:35 AM
Strength, or lack thereof
Current mood: exhausted
Lately, I have wondered if I am an incredibly selfish person. I'm aware it has been said before by a few people, but I think they were talking about me on a much more shallow level than I mean currently. I feel like as of late all I have done is bitch and moan about taking care of my mom and all that entails. It's a job and an obligation. I realise that many people endure the same or worse taking care of their family.It makes me feel horrible that I do not have it as bad as a great deal of people, and yet most days I think I can't make it through the next hour- much less the next day or week. Sometimes I just want to sit down and fucking cry. Unfortunately, I never have time. Sure, I can sneak a couple of hours to myself while she is asleep; but I really enjoy using that time trying to feel happy and find my sanity. If not for an awesome friend, I really think I would've lost my mind by now. No need to name drop..they know who they are. At the same time, while I'm so thankful to have them, I don't want to spend that time whining to them. I know I have quite a bit more than I would like to admit, and the fact they endure it makes my heart want to burst (in a good way). I'm just....tired. It's not sleepy tired or working hard all day tired. It is a level of emotional-and slightly physical-exhaustion that I have no idea how to cure or handle. Especially after being in the hospital so long, I thought I was grateful to come home with her. I quickly realised that I am not. Now I have no help at all. In UMC atleast now and again I could bitch and curse enough to eventually get a nurse to come help me. Now there is no one but me, and I'm so afraid that I am too selfish to handle it. I mean look at what I have written..how many times have I said "I". Many people have called me a strong woman. I have even agreed, and enjoyed people saying so. Right now, I feel like I'm about to break and that I am not as strong as anyone-even myself- thought I was. How do you even measure that kind of strength? I just wonder if everyone that has gone through this feels like they can't. Is strength my ability to keep going even though I think I cannot? Am I still strong even though I doubt myself, and cry under the pressure? Or is strength that stone solid ability to endure any and everything without a word or complaint? My day started hours ago, I have two days worth of things to complete before I sleep tonight. I don't know if it will all get done, but I just needed this moment to brace myself.
Oh, and Thank you! /heart.
1 Comment
2 Kudos
Setzer Valorin
Strength is something you have by the bucketload my dear. I watched as my Mom took care of my grandma after she lost the use of her legs. We moved in to their house, and Mom lost of lot of her possession because there wasn't room to keep them and she couldn't afford storage. Her car was repossessed because she had to cut back the hours she worked to tend to my grandma. And she cried often over the fact that she never got any help from her siblings. She moaned, she complained, and she was constantly fighting with her family over their lack of assistance. But she never gave up. That, my love, is true strength. The crying, the complaining, the whining, and the wishing for something to free you from your shackles is natural. Everyone does it in a situation that doesn't suit them. NOT everyone has the strength and willpower to just keep on going with that situation. Most give up, spend money to have someone else do it for them, and eventually forget about it as they immerse themselves in self-indulgence. And then there are others who don't even do that...just leave uncaring of the consequences to others. Your strength is admirable, Shannon. It's okay to want it to be over. It's okay to wish things were different. It's okay to cry over your frustrations and complain about your inconveniences. It's okay because you won't quit. I know in my heart of hearts that you won't, no matter how bad it gets, and how much you want to, you're too good of a person to just give up and leave everything to the hands of fate. I love you, my Irish Athena ;)
Strength, or lack thereof
Current mood: exhausted
Lately, I have wondered if I am an incredibly selfish person. I'm aware it has been said before by a few people, but I think they were talking about me on a much more shallow level than I mean currently. I feel like as of late all I have done is bitch and moan about taking care of my mom and all that entails. It's a job and an obligation. I realise that many people endure the same or worse taking care of their family.It makes me feel horrible that I do not have it as bad as a great deal of people, and yet most days I think I can't make it through the next hour- much less the next day or week. Sometimes I just want to sit down and fucking cry. Unfortunately, I never have time. Sure, I can sneak a couple of hours to myself while she is asleep; but I really enjoy using that time trying to feel happy and find my sanity. If not for an awesome friend, I really think I would've lost my mind by now. No need to name drop..they know who they are. At the same time, while I'm so thankful to have them, I don't want to spend that time whining to them. I know I have quite a bit more than I would like to admit, and the fact they endure it makes my heart want to burst (in a good way). I'm just....tired. It's not sleepy tired or working hard all day tired. It is a level of emotional-and slightly physical-exhaustion that I have no idea how to cure or handle. Especially after being in the hospital so long, I thought I was grateful to come home with her. I quickly realised that I am not. Now I have no help at all. In UMC atleast now and again I could bitch and curse enough to eventually get a nurse to come help me. Now there is no one but me, and I'm so afraid that I am too selfish to handle it. I mean look at what I have written..how many times have I said "I". Many people have called me a strong woman. I have even agreed, and enjoyed people saying so. Right now, I feel like I'm about to break and that I am not as strong as anyone-even myself- thought I was. How do you even measure that kind of strength? I just wonder if everyone that has gone through this feels like they can't. Is strength my ability to keep going even though I think I cannot? Am I still strong even though I doubt myself, and cry under the pressure? Or is strength that stone solid ability to endure any and everything without a word or complaint? My day started hours ago, I have two days worth of things to complete before I sleep tonight. I don't know if it will all get done, but I just needed this moment to brace myself.
Oh, and Thank you! /heart.
1 Comment
2 Kudos
Setzer Valorin
Strength is something you have by the bucketload my dear. I watched as my Mom took care of my grandma after she lost the use of her legs. We moved in to their house, and Mom lost of lot of her possession because there wasn't room to keep them and she couldn't afford storage. Her car was repossessed because she had to cut back the hours she worked to tend to my grandma. And she cried often over the fact that she never got any help from her siblings. She moaned, she complained, and she was constantly fighting with her family over their lack of assistance. But she never gave up. That, my love, is true strength. The crying, the complaining, the whining, and the wishing for something to free you from your shackles is natural. Everyone does it in a situation that doesn't suit them. NOT everyone has the strength and willpower to just keep on going with that situation. Most give up, spend money to have someone else do it for them, and eventually forget about it as they immerse themselves in self-indulgence. And then there are others who don't even do that...just leave uncaring of the consequences to others. Your strength is admirable, Shannon. It's okay to want it to be over. It's okay to wish things were different. It's okay to cry over your frustrations and complain about your inconveniences. It's okay because you won't quit. I know in my heart of hearts that you won't, no matter how bad it gets, and how much you want to, you're too good of a person to just give up and leave everything to the hands of fate. I love you, my Irish Athena ;)
Old Myspace Post
Sunday, November 05, 2006 6:41 PM
I love to
Current mood: cheerful
I can't hide.
Giggle.
Laugh.
Tear.
Blush.
Everyone notices the smile that occurs when it's your number on the display.
Sex.
Lust.
Tension.
Fire.
Sometimes, when we are done with that I feel like everyone knows my dirty little secret.
Silly.
Brilliant.
Thought-provoking.
Caring.
I can't deny loving you exactly the way you are.
Distance.
Jealousy.
Differences.
Types.
Nothing seems to shake how I feel, and I am pretty confident nothing will ever change it.
Pong.
Everquest.
Green.
Growls.
Phones.
Songs.
Wolves.
Whispers.
Smirks.
Blankets.
Red.
Spongebob.
Teddy Bears.
Pillows.
Pictures.
cartoons.
Secrets.
Moans.
Noises.
Phrases.
Socks.
Couch.
Frebreeze.
lol.
love.
kissys.
right-side.
voices.
heart.
affection.
gyros.
potatoes.
hoodies.
bands.
car-dings.
cherry pepsi.
doritos (yuck).
rock.
Wicked.
bagels.
pirates.
It's amazing how incredibly long this list could be if I didn't stop myself right now.....
Do random, everyday, silly things cause you to think of me and smile?
Oh, I so love you far too much.
I love to
Current mood: cheerful
I can't hide.
Giggle.
Laugh.
Tear.
Blush.
Everyone notices the smile that occurs when it's your number on the display.
Sex.
Lust.
Tension.
Fire.
Sometimes, when we are done with that I feel like everyone knows my dirty little secret.
Silly.
Brilliant.
Thought-provoking.
Caring.
I can't deny loving you exactly the way you are.
Distance.
Jealousy.
Differences.
Types.
Nothing seems to shake how I feel, and I am pretty confident nothing will ever change it.
Pong.
Everquest.
Green.
Growls.
Phones.
Songs.
Wolves.
Whispers.
Smirks.
Blankets.
Red.
Spongebob.
Teddy Bears.
Pillows.
Pictures.
cartoons.
Secrets.
Moans.
Noises.
Phrases.
Socks.
Couch.
Frebreeze.
lol.
love.
kissys.
right-side.
voices.
heart.
affection.
gyros.
potatoes.
hoodies.
bands.
car-dings.
cherry pepsi.
doritos (yuck).
rock.
Wicked.
bagels.
pirates.
It's amazing how incredibly long this list could be if I didn't stop myself right now.....
Do random, everyday, silly things cause you to think of me and smile?
Oh, I so love you far too much.
Old Myspace Post
Friday, October 20, 2006 1:57 AM
Smells like home...
Current mood: artistic
The smell of domestic beer and coffee drafts around everything.
So odd and sinful the way it seems to match.
Hometown and Heavenly mixed perfectly.
Chalkboard signs and local paintings wrap themselves around the rooms.
Some of the paintings hauntingly resemble teenagers from my childhood.
It's a warm heartache found in the wood warping of an over used building.
No other place to go; Here I am 8 years later in the same place, even changed as it has.
The music invading my mind is so blue and indie.
The brass ashtray is some flea market prize much like the rest of the mismatched garage sale furnishings scattered around me.
The strangers in the table down from me drink their kids away.
The mystery out of town man wandering the room finally takes a seat with the couple.
Maybe I should've executed some southern hospitality to the guy instead of ignoring the way he circled my table waiting for an invite.
I'd much rather just watch everyone be fake and introduce each other to their representitives than put my mask on.
How odd that a few of these folks manage to ruin their karma in a place with a setting to promote soundness.
Upon closer inspection of the walls, these paintings are not haunting at all, but truth.
A candy kid I knew back in the day has his named signed in the corner.
There is no need for me to read the sales tag, I know most every face he has painted here.
The celebrities that defined our teenage years, and the teenagers themselves are captured forever with spray paint on canvas or wood.
This entire place embraces the culture and convictions we thought we were fighting for in a small town of nothing but religion.
It's almost amusing how at home this feels.
I thought I had outgrown this feeling.
No one should ever be too old to feel at home and at peace.
Before it changed repeatedly over the years, it was almost this.
We use to sit every weekend ten feet to my left.
We drank far too much coffee and lounged in large leather or wicker furniture.
Now I watch guys the age I wish I could be again play chess.
I have every intention of finishing this beer, my house blend in this cup, and beating them at a game before the band starts.
The place quickly fills up, possibly because there are six tables and a coffee table to fill the space provided.
Outside might be nice to escape the small crowd of people that I do not care for, but the loss off my Bob Dylan serenade would be depressing.
Some things about a "bar", no matter what you try to call it, remain the same.
I can't help but snicker at the familiar beer arguement already taking place.
Domestic is so tasteless.
American might as well be water.
European is so colorful.
Imports are so flavorful and sophisticated.
Everyone drinks for the same reason, therefore the arguement quickly becomes pointless.
It should not matter what it taste like when you swallow your fun and sorrow.
Perhaps that is my problem, maybe I should care what my laughter taste like as it sloshes in my mouth.
Even more so, maybe I should be concerned if my bitterness tastes properly going down my throat.
I'm sorry I lack the ability to give a fuck about such things.
Damn, this place smells like home...
Smells like home...
Current mood: artistic
The smell of domestic beer and coffee drafts around everything.
So odd and sinful the way it seems to match.
Hometown and Heavenly mixed perfectly.
Chalkboard signs and local paintings wrap themselves around the rooms.
Some of the paintings hauntingly resemble teenagers from my childhood.
It's a warm heartache found in the wood warping of an over used building.
No other place to go; Here I am 8 years later in the same place, even changed as it has.
The music invading my mind is so blue and indie.
The brass ashtray is some flea market prize much like the rest of the mismatched garage sale furnishings scattered around me.
The strangers in the table down from me drink their kids away.
The mystery out of town man wandering the room finally takes a seat with the couple.
Maybe I should've executed some southern hospitality to the guy instead of ignoring the way he circled my table waiting for an invite.
I'd much rather just watch everyone be fake and introduce each other to their representitives than put my mask on.
How odd that a few of these folks manage to ruin their karma in a place with a setting to promote soundness.
Upon closer inspection of the walls, these paintings are not haunting at all, but truth.
A candy kid I knew back in the day has his named signed in the corner.
There is no need for me to read the sales tag, I know most every face he has painted here.
The celebrities that defined our teenage years, and the teenagers themselves are captured forever with spray paint on canvas or wood.
This entire place embraces the culture and convictions we thought we were fighting for in a small town of nothing but religion.
It's almost amusing how at home this feels.
I thought I had outgrown this feeling.
No one should ever be too old to feel at home and at peace.
Before it changed repeatedly over the years, it was almost this.
We use to sit every weekend ten feet to my left.
We drank far too much coffee and lounged in large leather or wicker furniture.
Now I watch guys the age I wish I could be again play chess.
I have every intention of finishing this beer, my house blend in this cup, and beating them at a game before the band starts.
The place quickly fills up, possibly because there are six tables and a coffee table to fill the space provided.
Outside might be nice to escape the small crowd of people that I do not care for, but the loss off my Bob Dylan serenade would be depressing.
Some things about a "bar", no matter what you try to call it, remain the same.
I can't help but snicker at the familiar beer arguement already taking place.
Domestic is so tasteless.
American might as well be water.
European is so colorful.
Imports are so flavorful and sophisticated.
Everyone drinks for the same reason, therefore the arguement quickly becomes pointless.
It should not matter what it taste like when you swallow your fun and sorrow.
Perhaps that is my problem, maybe I should care what my laughter taste like as it sloshes in my mouth.
Even more so, maybe I should be concerned if my bitterness tastes properly going down my throat.
I'm sorry I lack the ability to give a fuck about such things.
Damn, this place smells like home...
Old Myspace Post
Wednesday, October 18, 2006 9:33 PM
Everyone else is doing it...
Current mood: bouncy
[14:37] lilithsapathy: hi
[14:38] DragynTa2: hi hi
[14:38] lilithsapathy: whats up
[14:38] DragynTa2: ok, I think Reppy might be gay, or hes not sure if hes straight. and I thin Wrex hits on me but not really lolol
[14:39] lilithsapathy: lol i think Wrex is bi and doesnt know and i think reppy is insane
[14:40] DragynTa2: lol
[14:40] lilithsapathy: im about to jack some dvds from my momma also..she can not truly appreciate van helsing or the fifth element anyway
[14:41] DragynTa2: lol
[14:41] DragynTa2: where is she? lemme say hello!
[14:41] lilithsapathy: she is in the den talking to my grandpa and his girlfriend
[14:41] lilithsapathy: its the south, you are still obligated to "visit" with people
[14:42] lilithsapathy: im cleaning out her room. she is such a packrat
[14:43] DragynTa2: lol
[14:43] lilithsapathy: and spends far too much money on useless things she never uses
[14:43] DragynTa2: like? catch all boxes?
[14:43] DragynTa2: lololol
[14:44] lilithsapathy: like thank you cards....i have found seven packages of thank you cards...when i asked what one needed this many for, she replied that she loses them and/or she doesn't want to send two people that speak to each other the same card but its the same price to buy a package of them as to buy one hallmark one....
[14:45] DragynTa2: lol
[14:45] DragynTa2: hmmm... youre your mother
[14:45] lilithsapathy: i am not !
[14:45] DragynTa2: you freak... physician heal thy self
[14:45] lilithsapathy: im confused
[14:51] DragynTa2: you do stuff like that all the time
[14:52] DragynTa2: she collects thank you cards... youre going back to a house full of people you cant send away for some reason
[15:15] lilithsapathy: so..i collect people instead of cards?
[15:16] DragynTa2: well you collect them... and you dont need them anymore, yet they are still taking up space in you "house"
[15:16] lilithsapathy: ah
[15:17] lilithsapathy: how in the hell do you do that? i was TOTALLY talking about that yesterday, and not to YOU!
[15:17] DragynTa2: huh?
[15:18] lilithsapathy: i was talking the other day about how i cant let go of things, but by things i mean people
[15:22] DragynTa2: ohh
[15:22] DragynTa2: apparently I am an indigo child (according to my friend's hippy gypsy mom) and slightly intuitive lolol
[15:23] lilithsapathy: lol
[15:23] lilithsapathy: i believe it!
[15:25] DragynTa2: bleh. in high school she made it sound really special.. but then the other day she goes "indigo children have such hard lives. they grow up never really fitting in. they are usually even misfits among other indigos" WTF
[15:25] DragynTa2: I am gonna be sad and alone... and I can say that I am psychic
[15:26] lilithsapathy: lol you arent sad and alone!
[15:26] DragynTa2: well I am gonna be surrounded by people, but still ALONE. as in not with some one special
[15:26] lilithsapathy: being with someone special is overrated, since no one is ever as special as you first believe them to be
[15:27] DragynTa2: thats not true at all
[15:27] DragynTa2: I have met people that have become more special as time went on
[15:28] DragynTa2: I think you give people too much credit.
[15:28] lilithsapathy: maybe =/
[15:29] lilithsapathy: i think i have this complex, where i take people who are special for granted and like, desperately want people who aren't to BE special because i think that everyone should be this wonderful, insightful, amazing person...
[15:33] DragynTa2: and then they fail and you blame them.
[15:34] DragynTa2: CANT WIN WITH YOU
[15:34] DragynTa2: oh and Eddie Murphey is marrying Scary Spice!
[15:34] lilithsapathy: lol thats scary
[15:34] lilithsapathy: and i know, im working on it...
[15:34] DragynTa2: ya it is!
[15:34] lilithsapathy: like...i dont know...i think that some people have lots of potential and they dont use it...
[15:35] DragynTa2: ya, sometimes its not up to you to help them. sometimes all you can do is tell them that they have something special, and leave it at that. wait for them to accept what makes them special
[15:37] lilithsapathy: ya i know
[15:38] lilithsapathy: and now i realise that i need to grow up and do something with my life, since like, everyone here keeps asking "so, what are you doing out in phoenix." and i have no answer, so i was trying to laugh it off and be like "being a desert bum ofcourse"
[15:39] DragynTa2: =/ I know how that goes
[15:40] lilithsapathy: but, im 23 and maybe it is time to like..stop being on a permanent vacation...since i skipped a semester to relax four years ago lol...so, i guess im going to school and gonna major in nursing and focus on resp. therapy or bloodwork and thinking about it makes me not able to breathe
[15:41] lilithsapathy: i do get dramatic and uncomfy when i get near restraint or commitment =(
[15:42] DragynTa2: you and me both kid
[15:42] DragynTa2: but! I am gonna get a part time not think to much job first tho! I like those. they are easy
[15:43] lilithsapathy: like, i think i realised it all when i was talking to D and he was like " i dont know what i want out of life, so i just avoid thinking and talking about it." and I began to tell him that was unhealthy and then i had to shut my mouth, because i do the same thing, just differently, AND i rarely have the balls to admit that i do it
[15:43] DragynTa2: just until I get my transcript stuff situated, then I will quit.
[15:43] lilithsapathy: well, my mom will pay for school, so i just have to have a part time job while i go
[15:44] DragynTa2: my mom is gonna pay for my school too
[15:45] DragynTa2: I want a job so taht I can make at least 500 dollars by my next berfday. I have a speeding ticket I need to take care of =(
[15:45] lilithsapathy: wow, this is the most depressing thing ever
[15:46] DragynTa2: what?
[15:46] lilithsapathy: my mom has this day calender on her desk, you know the kind you peel the cartoon off everyday with the date on it...she likes the jokes so she just folds them back to the right date...its quite intimidating to hold in your hands every day of the year that has passed ...
[15:48] DragynTa2: throw them away. they cant do anything for you now. you cant hold on to them and you cant get them back. so just let them go
[15:48] lilithsapathy: its not me holding on to them!
[15:50] DragynTa2: your mom isnt really holding on to them. she looking at the jokes. youre the one giving calendar pages meaning
[15:50] lilithsapathy: touche
[15:51] lilithsapathy: i think i want everything to have meaning, what could possibly be more sad than something useless?
[15:52] DragynTa2: some one seeing things for how they wish them to be, rather then how they actually are
[15:52] lilithsapathy: ouch
[15:52] lilithsapathy: i wasnt prepared for that../ can i get a warning next time? lolz
[15:53] DragynTa2: sorry
[15:53] DragynTa2: rephrase...
[15:54] lilithsapathy: lol dont be sorry, its appreciated
[15:54] lilithsapathy: i fancy the truth, myself >.<
[15:55] DragynTa2: seeing the potential in things is a blessing and a curse. cant always self impose things to make them fit you... after all, you noticed the things without them fitting your "stage"
[15:55] DragynTa2: crooked hanging frames sometimes have more character then the picture they are displaying.
[15:57] lilithsapathy: that doesnt mean you should notice the frame first, or make a simple frame intended not to draw attention away from the picture a designer frame "on the inside" and ignore the work of art inside
[15:57] lilithsapathy: brb
[15:57] DragynTa2: ok
[16:35] lilithsapathy: ugh, i had to change her wound dressing
[16:36] DragynTa2: lol well that IS why youre there
[16:36] lilithsapathy: for the first time, i got kinda sick
[16:36] lilithsapathy: it didnt smell before, now the drainage is getting this kinda yeast smell to it, and i knew it was making me sick, but i couldnt help but smell it
[16:36] DragynTa2: lol thats so gross Shannon
[16:37] lilithsapathy: I KNOW, pls dont tell anyone lol
[16:37] DragynTa2: worse then the cell phone thing
[16:37] lilithsapathy: i kept making it drain too, by pressing on it in the right spot and making her inhale deeply. i told her it was good to let it drain out...which IT IS, but i was also just plain out fascinated by it spurting out between staples
[16:38] DragynTa2: youre a freak
[16:38] lilithsapathy: if you could see it, you would do the same thing omg!
[16:38] lilithsapathy: it kinda looks like very thin yellow grease..
[16:38] lilithsapathy: like its clear, but its yellow
[16:38] DragynTa2: omg stop Im eating
[16:39] lilithsapathy: OMG you didnt tell me you were eating lol SORRY
[16:39] DragynTa2: lolol its ok I was done. but I was eating cottage cheese for some reaon
[16:39] lilithsapathy: ewwww im gonna throw up
[16:39] DragynTa2: YOU!
[16:40] lilithsapathy: LOL i feel ill
[16:41] DragynTa2: lol best musical impromptu scene ever... Beetle Juice "Day-O"... its beats all... even the "My Best Friends Wedding"
[16:49] lilithsapathy: lol
[16:49] lilithsapathy: i watched my best friends wedding the other day...
[16:50] DragynTa2: so did Dut... and we argued back and forth as to which musical scene was better
[16:50] lilithsapathy: beetlejuice
[16:50] lilithsapathy: it was way more random
[16:50] DragynTa2: hell fuckin ya
[16:50] DragynTa2: AND they used the real singer which was great... and had choreographed dance number
[16:51] lilithsapathy: lol
[16:51] DragynTa2:
[16:52] DragynTa2: DL Ella Fitzgerald version of "Danke Shoen" its $$$ compared to Wayne Newton
[16:52] lilithsapathy: i have a fuckton of ella fitzgerald at home, no clue if i have that though
[16:53] DragynTa2: its awesome!!! it makes me so sad, and makes me think of Jennifer Tilly for some reason
[16:58] lilithsapathy: lol why her?
[16:58] lilithsapathy: so, i came here with one HUGE suitcase 3/4 full of stuff, i think i will be leaving with the same suitcase jammed full, along with two small ones packed to the brim...
[16:59] DragynTa2: umm do you remember a weird movie she was in where she like sold vacuums and killed people or something?
[16:59] lilithsapathy: ummm no lol
[16:59] DragynTa2: nice
[16:59] DragynTa2: lemme look it up...
[17:01] lilithsapathy: find it?
[17:02] DragynTa2: god this ho made a lot of movies.
[17:02] lilithsapathy: lol she is in alot of random ass movies also
[17:03] DragynTa2: ok well in the movie, she is a killer or something posing as a door to door vacuum salesperson.
[17:04] DragynTa2: at the end of the movie right before the credits, its her in the desert at dusk vacuuming the ground... and shes kinda dancing as she does... and thats the scene that plays in my head when the song is on
[17:04] DragynTa2: cuz its like quirky cute
[17:07] lilithsapathy: HOLD PLS
[17:10] lilithsapathy: lol thats SCARY mister
[17:11] DragynTa2: OK WELL, I THINK the movie is called American strays, and I havent seen it in years...
[17:11] lilithsapathy: lets watch it!
[17:11] DragynTa2: ANYHOW the reason it reminds me of jennifer Tilly is because at the end of the movie, she is in a suit.
[17:11] DragynTa2: oh, and she wasnt the original vacuum salesman, she killed him and put on his suit
[17:11] lilithsapathy: do all suits remind you of jennifer tilly?
[17:11] lilithsapathy: hawt
[17:12] DragynTa2: when women wear them and femininity remain intact... yes sometimes
[17:13] DragynTa2: Hawt... Jennifer Tilly is Chinese Irish Canadian
[17:18] DragynTa2: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115531/
[17:18] lilithsapathy: awww my poor wonderful *edit*
[17:19] DragynTa2: PINK
[17:20] lilithsapathy: he lost his phone charger and his phone is dead, and he called me from his sister's phone, and he has been moving the last two days, so he insists the charger is just gone.and, he put some stuff in his trunk, and now his trunk wont open back up, its stuck. and im like "the charger is in the stuck trunk." he swears its not, but i just KNOW it is, so now he is gonna pry it open or something i guess *shrug*
[17:21] lilithsapathy: see, its stuff like this i wish he did not do...he is too damn considerate, and he just won't be a jerk that doesn't call for days and then gives you a lame i lost my cell phone charger excuse...instead.. he uses his sister's phone and calls you and is apologetic and adorable *sigh*
[17:21] DragynTa2: he should go in fromt he back seat and use the emergency release
[17:21] lilithsapathy: OMG why didnt i think of that =( and i have no way to tell him lol
[17:22] DragynTa2: lol
[17:22] lilithsapathy: he said he might try to call me tonight, so if he does and the trunk isnt open i shall tell him you thought of a great plan!
[17:23] DragynTa2: lol ok!
[17:23] DragynTa2: which I am sure he will think of too. I dont think he is literrally gonna pry it open. you brute
[17:24] DragynTa2: like that whole "Youre locked inside your car, and there is a hammer on the dash board... how do you escape?" type situation
[17:30] lilithsapathy: i dont know, he gets on this manly kicks and just fucking Heman's stuff open
[17:35] DragynTa2: WELL?!?! How would you escape?!
[17:37] lilithsapathy: i would take the spikey end of the hammer and pry the inside door cover off and once the inside mechanics are exposed i would just push the lock up from the inside of the door
[17:37] DragynTa2: ... you can just unlock the door like a normal person
[17:38] lilithsapathy: you said i was locked in, i ASSUMED you meant the lock was not working
[17:38] DragynTa2: lol at least you didt say "BREAK A WINDOW!!" like Dut did
[17:38] lilithsapathy: i.e. it got stuck
[17:39] lilithsapathy: its cheaper to get your stuck lock fixed and your door cover put back on than buy a new window...plus you would get glass in your face prolly =/
[17:40] DragynTa2: lol
[17:40] lilithsapathy: bah
[17:40] lilithsapathy: did you tell clane it was a trick question? =(
[17:40] DragynTa2: or there is another riddle thing, where from what the researched only sociopaths were able to answer
[17:41] lilithsapathy: 17:39] lilithsapathy: [17:24] DragynTa2: like that whole "Youre locked inside your car, and there is a hammer on the dash board... how do you escape?" type situation
[17:39] lilithsapathy: how would YOU escape?
[17:40] TehDarknesh: Unlock the door, and get out
[17:41] DragynTa2: I dont talk to clane
[17:41] DragynTa2: lol
[17:41] lilithsapathy: [17:41] TehDarknesh: Only police squad cars can lock people in, and only in the backseat...whcih means you couldn't reach the dashboard anyways
[17:42] lilithsapathy: i just told clane my answer and he was like " ...wow..."
[17:43] lilithsapathy: anyway, whats the other sociopath riddle!
[17:43] DragynTa2: lol
[17:43] lilithsapathy: he says that was really methodical of me, and that he was impressed lol
[17:43] DragynTa2: sec fighting stuff with Daemious
[17:43] DragynTa2: ya it was impressive
[17:44] lilithsapathy: lol
[17:44] DragynTa2: ok...
[17:47] DragynTa2: twin sisters meet a man at their mother's funeral... Twin A falls in love with the man. a few months later Twin A kills Twin B... who was the man, and why did Twin A kill Twin B
[17:49] lilithsapathy: hrmm...let me consider this!
[17:50] lilithsapathy: the man is the guy that murdered their mother and twin a kills twin b because they are twins and she is afraid he might prefer twin b.
[17:51] DragynTa2: um no
[17:51] DragynTa2: ok hint!
[17:51] lilithsapathy: it makes for a good story =/
[17:51] DragynTa2: she kills the twin in hopes of meeting the man again
[17:52] lilithsapathy: damned! i was going to say the man was the preacher/paulbearer(sp?) or grave digger and decided i wanted to be more flashy
[17:53] DragynTa2: yes! the man was the priest
[17:53] lilithsapathy: i shouldve gone with my first answer, even though i didnt know the second half of it (why she would kill twin b)
[17:53] lilithsapathy: im worried im going to die
[17:53] lilithsapathy: a woman in my family dies every 10 years...
[17:54] lilithsapathy: my great grandmother died in 1976, my mother died in 1986, and my grandmother died in 1996
[17:54] lilithsapathy: its 2006 and its me or my aunt(mother) left..
[17:54] DragynTa2: not to rehash old stuff... but didnt you have an obortion? and does that count?
[17:55] lilithsapathy: good point...i wonder if that does count?
[17:55] DragynTa2:
[17:55] lilithsapathy: prolly only counts if you believe in destiny and not science, since it hadn't, technically, developed a distinguishable sex yet
[17:56] DragynTa2: its not decided yet what determines personhood yet tho
[17:56] lilithsapathy: hrm
[17:56] lilithsapathy: lets hope that counts, cuz im not ready to die yet
[17:57] DragynTa2: ok
[17:57] lilithsapathy: i want more riddles
[17:57] DragynTa2: I dont have anymore off the top of my head
[17:58] DragynTa2: lemme look for some!
[17:59] lilithsapathy: hooray, you do that while i pick up this oopsie i just made
[18:00] DragynTa2: The farmer had a fox, a chicken, and a bag of corn. He also had a raft that would carry hemself and one other item, at a time to get all three, the fox, chicken, and the corn across the river to the other side safely. Which one would he take first?
[18:00] DragynTa2: eww you peed on your moms floor?
[18:02] lilithsapathy: no, but i dumped out a box of junk
[18:03] lilithsapathy: the chicken
[18:03] DragynTa2: yay
[18:04] lilithsapathy: that one was too easy i thinks =/ cuz you would take the chicken across, go back and get the fox, drop of the fox and pick up the chicken and take it back with you, pick up the bag of corn, drop off the chicken, take the corn to the fox, then go back and get the chicken
[18:04] DragynTa2: There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?
[18:06] lilithsapathy: hrm
[18:16] lilithsapathy: gah, i will figure it out, hold on!
[18:16] DragynTa2: lol
[18:16] DragynTa2: I forgot you hadnt answered
[18:17] lilithsapathy: its because im over thinking the situation!
[18:17] lilithsapathy: on top of the head of the person in the center of the room?
[18:18] lilithsapathy: WAIT
[18:18] DragynTa2: well. on top of the head of one person is the answer
[18:18] DragynTa2: youre right kinda
[18:20] lilithsapathy: this is why i suck at riddles =( i was all like "well the room could be filled with mirrors, in which case im not really sure how one person could not see it, and then i was like, well if you lined ten people up on one wall and nine on the opposite they could see everything, then have one person on a wall all alone in the center of the wall in between the two with people on it, everyone but the guy with the apple on his head could see it =/
[18:21] lilithsapathy: i want a new one while i get my pizza out of the microwave!
[18:23] DragynTa2: The following sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.
[18:23] DragynTa2: lol wrap your head around that
[18:35] DragynTa2: http://www.mensa.org.uk/mensa/puzzles/brainteasers.html..IQ.1
[18:48] lilithsapathy: oooo
[18:48] lilithsapathy: sorry, was ninja afk for pizza and clane ALMOST got the sociopath question right
[18:48] DragynTa2: lol
[18:48] lilithsapathy: actually this proves we should not be together
[18:48] lilithsapathy: since i could answer the first part of the question and he could answer the second
[18:48] DragynTa2: Dut's lil brother got it right like within five seconds
[18:48] lilithsapathy: [18:23] TehDarknesh: The man was a stranger to the twins, and Twin A killed Twin B so that there would be another funeral so that she might meet him again
[18:49] DragynTa2: dont read so far into it
[18:49] lilithsapathy: lol together we are a complete sociopath instead of a partial../
[18:57] DragynTa2: PHRASE OF THE DAY!!!
[18:57] DragynTa2: "funny enough"
[18:58] DragynTa2: america's next top model is about to start so I am afk for an hour!
[18:58] lilithsapathy: OMG LAME
[18:59] DragynTa2: STFU! I sit and listen to you babble and whine! I have deep meaningful conversations with you about you being attracted to some one else... LET ME BE SUPERFICIAL for an hour once a week
[18:59] DragynTa2: GAH!
[18:59] lilithsapathy: FINE
[18:59] DragynTa2: ok afk an hour
[18:59] lilithsapathy: go buy in to Tyra and her fake titties
[18:59] DragynTa2: they arent fake.
[19:00] lilithsapathy: see, she has you brainwashed already
[19:00] DragynTa2: and I am not buying into anything. I dont hold girls to any high standards now then I did before
[19:00] lilithsapathy: STOP TYPING i know, i saw the show
[19:00] lilithsapathy: go afk!
[20:06] DragynTa2: BACK BACK BACK
[20:06] DragynTa2: AND! Dut ruined the whole show by calling me twice during (while at his brothers) and kept talking while the show was onand then saying "what'd she say?"
[20:07] DragynTa2: WTF does that! zOMG
[21:55] DragynTa2: ARE YOU THERE FOOL!?
[21:55] DragynTa2: youre ignoring me?! ME?! ME!?!??!
[21:55] DragynTa2: ME!?!?!
[21:56] DragynTa2: ..!..
[21:56] DragynTa2: ..!.. you I say!
[22:51] lilithsapathy: hey
[22:52] lilithsapathy: so, i had some drama
[22:52] DragynTa2: what... and raiding so gonna be delayed responses. but I assure you I am paying attention
[22:52] lilithsapathy: lol raiding at 11 pm?!
[22:53] DragynTa2: ya did Greyce and Jamerski's epics.. now we're doing some DoD thing
[22:54] lilithsapathy: and so, i picked up my purse a few ago, and this horridly sharp pain that felt like someone sticking a sliver of glass into my arm and shocking me at the same time occured. I promptly threw everything in my hands and my purse on the floor and began to scream like a girl as goosebumps broke out all up my arm and the stinging pain increased. I ran into the den, cursing and flailing my arm around and almost crying.
[22:56] lilithsapathy: as you well know, im deathly afraid of most any bug type creature and it seems a baby yellow jacket had sneaked into the house and taken up residence in the pocket of my purse. Evidently he was furious that i interupted his nap by picking up my belongings he had so recently decided to call home, and he bit me.
[22:57] DragynTa2: lol so you got stung... and freaked?
[22:57] lilithsapathy: oh, it gets better..
[22:57] lilithsapathy: just wait!
[22:59] lilithsapathy: well, my grandfather doing his best sailor impression informs me that im a lady and to fucking watch my mouth as he hobbles over and sprays me with toothpaste. Oddly enough, despite his being senile, he was correct about toothpaste sucking the poison out-which is a good thing since one of the approx. two allergies I have are to yellow jackets. Well, I decide the little bugger must have gotten killed in the chaos that becomes me when a bug nears me, and go on about my business since my arm feels better.
[23:03] lilithsapathy: So, my mom is leaking digested jello, and I kneel on the floor in front of her chair to change her bandage again. I lift my arm to peel away tape, and this small winged bug creature with a huge, venomous stinger of a tail takes flight from my arm and lands on my mothers blanket. My ninja quickness allowed me to promptly be on my feet, making gagging, sputtering noises and do the "omg there is a bug on me i have to strip all my clothes off dance" all the way to the kitchen.
[23:06] lilithsapathy: Enter my grandfather again from stage left as he explains to me how silly I am. Im crying at this point, and my mother is threatening to smack me for being a pussy, and is also concerned that the yellow jacket will land in her open wound. We turn out all the lights, except the tv, because my grandfather claims he is "an expert yellow jacket catcher" and that this plan will do the trick. I sit down on the couch, and everything that touches me ofcourse is a yellow jacket, so I start to have an anxiety attack.
[23:07] DragynTa2: ...
[23:08] DragynTa2: so are ok now?
[23:11] lilithsapathy: Well, after I did my anxiety ritual that calms me down, and Lost came on the television, I forgot about the yellow jacket trap we had laid by turning out the lights. I'm lying there and I hear the cell phone in the bedroom ring. I check the clock and see that it is 8:30 here, which means its 9:30 on the east coast; and use my ninja skills once again to be on my feet and dashing to the phone with in seconds. As I round the corner of the hallway to the bedroom, something buzzed past my head therefore I got a small panic, which made my ninja prowess fail momentarily; and I snagged my foot in a throw rug and stumbled the next four feet down the hallway.
[23:16] lilithsapathy: I got my footing again, after jumping over the fluff ball of a dog in the bedroom doorway, as I snatched up the phone. They had hung up. I am far too excited to worry about the fact that I should take a moment and recover gracefullness and endearing lady like manner I typically display, and call them back immediately. Unfortunately, that resulted in my being concerned for the next five minutes if I had been stalker breathing from all the excitement when I said "hello" when returning the call. Fortunately, this cute greek boy is far too nice to mention it if I were, but the worry is still there since I opted not to explain the whole night's events to him.
[23:17] DragynTa2: wtf did you drive into a steel magnolias fried green tomatoes twilight zone?
[23:21] lilithsapathy: After some flirtation and fun, I am "paged" to leave my bedroom and enter the den. Upon entering the den, My grandfather proudly displays to me a yellow jacket corpse much like a good old cat will leave the dead body of a mouse at your door step to prove he is doing his job, and proclaims that he did infact say he was an expert at catching yellow jackets and has proved it. At this point, I am thankful the cell phone has a mute button and I freely used it before entering the den. I returned to my bedroom blushing over being afraid my mother can see right through me. In the end, the whole event was very dramatic, but it had a happy ending. My grandfather can still catch yellow jackets, my sting stop hurting, I was quite pleased, and that cute greek boy loves me.
[23:21] lilithsapathy: lol wtf do you mean did i drive into a steel magnolias fried green tomatoes twilight zone /sigh
[23:22] DragynTa2: youre a freak
[23:22] lilithsapathy: =(
[23:23] DragynTa2: lol living in the city made you soft
[23:23] lilithsapathy: you have said that like, a 100 times today about my being a freak
[23:23] DragynTa2: well you havent proven otherwise
[23:23] lilithsapathy: Sir, I'm just as afraid of city bugs as I am of country bugs.
[23:23] DragynTa2: yes BUT in the city its ok, they are diseased.
[23:23] lilithsapathy: you're my bff, i dont have to prove otherwise to you!
[23:24] DragynTa2: more so you have to prove to me
[23:24] lilithsapathy: City bugs may be diseased, but country bugs are bitter and treacherous.
[23:24] DragynTa2: I hold you to higher standards than that of any other friend
[23:24] lilithsapathy: BUT you should also accept my freak-hood as some graciously quirky quality that makes you love me.
[23:25] DragynTa2: there is quirky, and there is out right freak
[23:25] DragynTa2: feeling the need to own multiple catch all boxes. is a quirk.
[23:25] DragynTa2: they are just glorified junk drawers. yet you think they are a godsend
[23:25] lilithsapathy: I do not own multiple ones. Dave has one, Clane has one, and I have one. I do not own all three.
[23:27] DragynTa2: in moderation "one mans trash is another mans treasure" is fine even admirable... but you border OCD with it sometimes. sometimes trash is just trash
[23:27] lilithsapathy: My glorified junk drawers as you call my precious catch alls have zero to do with the fact that I was assaulted by a man eating bug, and had to face my mother two seconds after an orgasm and you care nothing about the trauma this has caused me!
[23:29] lilithsapathy: I do not clutter my catch alls with trash, thank you very much. You can find useful things in those..like body lotion and keys and frebreeze and ipods. It's like a swag basket you give yourself every morning
[23:31] DragynTa2: it wasnt a man eating bug (proving you over glorify) secondly, youre an adult. what you do on your personal time is your business. and the "trauma" as you call it is self imposed victimization
[23:32] DragynTa2: and you got me on the catchall thing I guess. so I recant the staement
[23:32] lilithsapathy: Must you always be so simplistic and boring and void of appreciation of dramatic events *sigh*
[23:33] DragynTa2: lol
[23:33] DragynTa2: I thought you enjoyed my dry sense of humor.
[23:34] lilithsapathy: only on the weekends and weekdays.
[23:36] DragynTa2: what is it atm?
[23:36] lilithsapathy: Wednesday?
[23:36] DragynTa2: so a weekend or weekday
[23:38] lilithsapathy: weekday, unless you are a desert bum like me, then everyday is the weekend!
[23:38] DragynTa2: ah
[23:39] DragynTa2: I think I have a herpy on my mouth =/ I thought it was a pimple or something or gor forbid an ingrown hair... but its not going away and it kinda hurts
[23:41] lilithsapathy: how would you get a mouth herpy?
[23:42] DragynTa2: like a cold sore. but I dunno
[23:42] DragynTa2: I am not prone to cold sores
[23:42] lilithsapathy: i dont think a cold sore and herpy are the same thing?
[23:42] DragynTa2: never had one actually
[23:42] DragynTa2: ya they are.
[23:43] DragynTa2: genittal herpies is simplex B and oral herpies are simplex A
[23:44] lilithsapathy: what kinda oral did you have going on to get an A Herpy
[23:44] DragynTa2: no no
[23:45] DragynTa2: the typical herpies you get on your mouth, like cold sores... is a different strain of herpies.
[23:45] DragynTa2: the STD herpies is a different strain
[23:46] lilithsapathy: its still....a herpy
[23:46] DragynTa2: much like, crabs and lice are related, but not the same bug
[23:48] lilithsapathy: ugh, dont talk about bugs
[23:49] DragynTa2: lol
[23:49] lilithsapathy: just put some medicated stuff on the herpy and say its a papercut
[23:50] DragynTa2: how the fuck do I explain a papercut on the side of my mouth
[23:50] DragynTa2: ugh I dont have an STD.
[23:50] DragynTa2: you have to have S to T the D
[23:50] DragynTa2:
[23:51] lilithsapathy: lolz awww *comfort*
[23:51] lilithsapathy: and i have had a papercut on the side of my mouth, so its quite possibly
[23:52] DragynTa2: I want this for christmas! http://www.threadless.com/product/623/Haikus_are_easy_but
[23:55] DragynTa2: and I will get you this for christmas!!! http://www.threadless.com/product/628/Breaking_Up_Is_Hard_To_Do
[23:56] lilithsapathy: hooray!
[23:57] lilithsapathy: lol yours so reminds me of you =D
[23:57] DragynTa2: lol
[23:58] DragynTa2: there is another shirt that says "Fcuk Typos" which would be great for D
[23:59] lilithsapathy: lol omg
[23:59] lilithsapathy: thats what we should get him for christmas!
[23:59] DragynTa2: YES!
[23:59] DragynTa2: if we have to make it cheaply ourselfs!
[23:59] DragynTa2: selves*
[23:59] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:00] lilithsapathy: its only like 15$ plus shipping, so i will buy yours for you, and then we will be ghetto and get that one for D from both of us lolz
[00:01] lilithsapathy: ofcourse, if we do that, then you cant be upset if i let D put his name on the shirt i get you...
[00:03] DragynTa2: lol of course not
[00:03] DragynTa2: he can put his name on the one I find for you
[00:03] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=656
[00:03] lilithsapathy: you know...he is getting off easy in all this lol
[00:03] lilithsapathy: I LOVE T SHIRT HELL OMG
[00:03] DragynTa2: yes yes he is.
[00:06] lilithsapathy: lol i dont have an issue with fuckin canucks
[00:06] DragynTa2: lol
[00:06] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=401
[00:07] DragynTa2: totally able to read it.
[00:07] DragynTa2: when I first started playing, I had to ask Stabb what 1337 meant
[00:08] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:08] lilithsapathy: i love that shirt...i know so many people that need to get laid =/
[00:09] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=559 Sadly I couldnt read it. I had to read the description
[00:09] lilithsapathy: awww thats so cruel *hug*
[00:09] lilithsapathy: yay for me !http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=692
[00:10] DragynTa2: lol
[00:10] DragynTa2: and all three of us should get this shirt for no reason... http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=625
[00:11] lilithsapathy: LOL omg thats even more funny because of how often D talks about jews =/
[00:11] lilithsapathy: OMG for me !http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=729
[00:12] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=562 FOR ME!
[00:12] DragynTa2: haha cutter =(
[00:12] DragynTa2: these should just be our sigs lol
[00:12] lilithsapathy: LOL i love it
[00:12] lilithsapathy: omg you need this becaushttp://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=202e it makes me giggle
[00:12] lilithsapathy: arg fucked it up
[00:12] lilithsapathy: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=202
[00:13] DragynTa2: hahah
[00:14] lilithsapathy: love ithttp://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=676
[00:15] DragynTa2: lol
[00:15] lilithsapathy: i would say get D this, but he would so wear it with pride =/..http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=318
[00:16] lilithsapathy: ummm i dont get it..http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=688 =(
[00:16] DragynTa2: http://www.zazzle.com/product/235242276559202515
[00:17] DragynTa2: I dont get it either
[00:17] DragynTa2: http://www.zazzle.com/product/235375675794197863
[00:18] lilithsapathy: omg, i want that shirt that says " I taught your girlfriend that thing you like..."
[00:18] DragynTa2: lol
[00:19] DragynTa2: http://www.zazzle.com/product/235690303947499658 lolol
[00:19] lilithsapathy: LOL OMG
[00:20] lilithsapathy: OMG can we PLEASE get this for scott?!!!http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=673
[00:22] DragynTa2: hahaha
[00:22] DragynTa2: hax his shah account and change his sig!
[00:22] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:22] lilithsapathy: he would kick my ass =D it'll be fun
[00:23] lilithsapathy: i wonder if his pw is the same as his eq account pw? o.O
[00:23] DragynTa2: lol prolly
[[00:25] DragynTa2: http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/emoticon/male
[00:26] lilithsapathy: oh mah gawd
[00:26] DragynTa2: neato
[00:26] lilithsapathy: i want one of those gd scrolling led belt buckles
[00:26] lilithsapathy: im so not sure i could pull it off though, and i would fret over what to make it say..
[00:27] lilithsapathy: OMG FOR YOU !http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/collarup/male
[00:29] DragynTa2: http://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/Dane_Cook_BAMF_T-Shirt.html
[00:29] DragynTa2: lol I want a belt too!!
[00:29] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:30] lilithsapathy: we should get some with fake bling all around the led, and get the blue led scroll and make yours say "Sesame Street Cred"
[00:31] lilithsapathy: this should be for Dhttp://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/ASS_The_Other_Vagina_T-shirt.html
[00:32] lilithsapathy: lol or thishttp://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/Masturbation,_My_Anti-Drug_T-Shirt.html
[00:32] DragynTa2: http://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/End_Emo_T-shirt.html
[00:33] lilithsapathy: nooooo~!
[00:34] DragynTa2: lol
[00:34] DragynTa2: zOMG! http://nerdyshirts.com/product_info.php?gender=1&products_id=469
[00:35] DragynTa2: http://www.nerdyshirts.com/product_info.php?gender=1&products_id=37&osCsid=b08b30e0a2b5b7bb43f2d603e1574df7 lolol
[00:35] lilithsapathy: lol thats hot
[00:36] DragynTa2: For TARO! http://www.unholytshirts.com/Purchase%20Bitch%20Magnet.htm
[00:36] lilithsapathy: omg i need to finish this room! come help me, quit with those damn tshirts, its distracting! be boring!
[00:37] lilithsapathy: OMG
[00:37] lilithsapathy: he MUST have that
I'm done being lame, but if all my friends can post random nonsense conversations, I can also, bitches!
Everyone else is doing it...
Current mood: bouncy
[14:37] lilithsapathy: hi
[14:38] DragynTa2: hi hi
[14:38] lilithsapathy: whats up
[14:38] DragynTa2: ok, I think Reppy might be gay, or hes not sure if hes straight. and I thin Wrex hits on me but not really lolol
[14:39] lilithsapathy: lol i think Wrex is bi and doesnt know and i think reppy is insane
[14:40] DragynTa2: lol
[14:40] lilithsapathy: im about to jack some dvds from my momma also..she can not truly appreciate van helsing or the fifth element anyway
[14:41] DragynTa2: lol
[14:41] DragynTa2: where is she? lemme say hello!
[14:41] lilithsapathy: she is in the den talking to my grandpa and his girlfriend
[14:41] lilithsapathy: its the south, you are still obligated to "visit" with people
[14:42] lilithsapathy: im cleaning out her room. she is such a packrat
[14:43] DragynTa2: lol
[14:43] lilithsapathy: and spends far too much money on useless things she never uses
[14:43] DragynTa2: like? catch all boxes?
[14:43] DragynTa2: lololol
[14:44] lilithsapathy: like thank you cards....i have found seven packages of thank you cards...when i asked what one needed this many for, she replied that she loses them and/or she doesn't want to send two people that speak to each other the same card but its the same price to buy a package of them as to buy one hallmark one....
[14:45] DragynTa2: lol
[14:45] DragynTa2: hmmm... youre your mother
[14:45] lilithsapathy: i am not !
[14:45] DragynTa2: you freak... physician heal thy self
[14:45] lilithsapathy: im confused
[14:51] DragynTa2: you do stuff like that all the time
[14:52] DragynTa2: she collects thank you cards... youre going back to a house full of people you cant send away for some reason
[15:15] lilithsapathy: so..i collect people instead of cards?
[15:16] DragynTa2: well you collect them... and you dont need them anymore, yet they are still taking up space in you "house"
[15:16] lilithsapathy: ah
[15:17] lilithsapathy: how in the hell do you do that? i was TOTALLY talking about that yesterday, and not to YOU!
[15:17] DragynTa2: huh?
[15:18] lilithsapathy: i was talking the other day about how i cant let go of things, but by things i mean people
[15:22] DragynTa2: ohh
[15:22] DragynTa2: apparently I am an indigo child (according to my friend's hippy gypsy mom) and slightly intuitive lolol
[15:23] lilithsapathy: lol
[15:23] lilithsapathy: i believe it!
[15:25] DragynTa2: bleh. in high school she made it sound really special.. but then the other day she goes "indigo children have such hard lives. they grow up never really fitting in. they are usually even misfits among other indigos" WTF
[15:25] DragynTa2: I am gonna be sad and alone... and I can say that I am psychic
[15:26] lilithsapathy: lol you arent sad and alone!
[15:26] DragynTa2: well I am gonna be surrounded by people, but still ALONE. as in not with some one special
[15:26] lilithsapathy: being with someone special is overrated, since no one is ever as special as you first believe them to be
[15:27] DragynTa2: thats not true at all
[15:27] DragynTa2: I have met people that have become more special as time went on
[15:28] DragynTa2: I think you give people too much credit.
[15:28] lilithsapathy: maybe =/
[15:29] lilithsapathy: i think i have this complex, where i take people who are special for granted and like, desperately want people who aren't to BE special because i think that everyone should be this wonderful, insightful, amazing person...
[15:33] DragynTa2: and then they fail and you blame them.
[15:34] DragynTa2: CANT WIN WITH YOU
[15:34] DragynTa2: oh and Eddie Murphey is marrying Scary Spice!
[15:34] lilithsapathy: lol thats scary
[15:34] lilithsapathy: and i know, im working on it...
[15:34] DragynTa2: ya it is!
[15:34] lilithsapathy: like...i dont know...i think that some people have lots of potential and they dont use it...
[15:35] DragynTa2: ya, sometimes its not up to you to help them. sometimes all you can do is tell them that they have something special, and leave it at that. wait for them to accept what makes them special
[15:37] lilithsapathy: ya i know
[15:38] lilithsapathy: and now i realise that i need to grow up and do something with my life, since like, everyone here keeps asking "so, what are you doing out in phoenix." and i have no answer, so i was trying to laugh it off and be like "being a desert bum ofcourse"
[15:39] DragynTa2: =/ I know how that goes
[15:40] lilithsapathy: but, im 23 and maybe it is time to like..stop being on a permanent vacation...since i skipped a semester to relax four years ago lol...so, i guess im going to school and gonna major in nursing and focus on resp. therapy or bloodwork and thinking about it makes me not able to breathe
[15:41] lilithsapathy: i do get dramatic and uncomfy when i get near restraint or commitment =(
[15:42] DragynTa2: you and me both kid
[15:42] DragynTa2: but! I am gonna get a part time not think to much job first tho! I like those. they are easy
[15:43] lilithsapathy: like, i think i realised it all when i was talking to D and he was like " i dont know what i want out of life, so i just avoid thinking and talking about it." and I began to tell him that was unhealthy and then i had to shut my mouth, because i do the same thing, just differently, AND i rarely have the balls to admit that i do it
[15:43] DragynTa2: just until I get my transcript stuff situated, then I will quit.
[15:43] lilithsapathy: well, my mom will pay for school, so i just have to have a part time job while i go
[15:44] DragynTa2: my mom is gonna pay for my school too
[15:45] DragynTa2: I want a job so taht I can make at least 500 dollars by my next berfday. I have a speeding ticket I need to take care of =(
[15:45] lilithsapathy: wow, this is the most depressing thing ever
[15:46] DragynTa2: what?
[15:46] lilithsapathy: my mom has this day calender on her desk, you know the kind you peel the cartoon off everyday with the date on it...she likes the jokes so she just folds them back to the right date...its quite intimidating to hold in your hands every day of the year that has passed ...
[15:48] DragynTa2: throw them away. they cant do anything for you now. you cant hold on to them and you cant get them back. so just let them go
[15:48] lilithsapathy: its not me holding on to them!
[15:50] DragynTa2: your mom isnt really holding on to them. she looking at the jokes. youre the one giving calendar pages meaning
[15:50] lilithsapathy: touche
[15:51] lilithsapathy: i think i want everything to have meaning, what could possibly be more sad than something useless?
[15:52] DragynTa2: some one seeing things for how they wish them to be, rather then how they actually are
[15:52] lilithsapathy: ouch
[15:52] lilithsapathy: i wasnt prepared for that../ can i get a warning next time? lolz
[15:53] DragynTa2: sorry
[15:53] DragynTa2: rephrase...
[15:54] lilithsapathy: lol dont be sorry, its appreciated
[15:54] lilithsapathy: i fancy the truth, myself >.<
[15:55] DragynTa2: seeing the potential in things is a blessing and a curse. cant always self impose things to make them fit you... after all, you noticed the things without them fitting your "stage"
[15:55] DragynTa2: crooked hanging frames sometimes have more character then the picture they are displaying.
[15:57] lilithsapathy: that doesnt mean you should notice the frame first, or make a simple frame intended not to draw attention away from the picture a designer frame "on the inside" and ignore the work of art inside
[15:57] lilithsapathy: brb
[15:57] DragynTa2: ok
[16:35] lilithsapathy: ugh, i had to change her wound dressing
[16:36] DragynTa2: lol well that IS why youre there
[16:36] lilithsapathy: for the first time, i got kinda sick
[16:36] lilithsapathy: it didnt smell before, now the drainage is getting this kinda yeast smell to it, and i knew it was making me sick, but i couldnt help but smell it
[16:36] DragynTa2: lol thats so gross Shannon
[16:37] lilithsapathy: I KNOW, pls dont tell anyone lol
[16:37] DragynTa2: worse then the cell phone thing
[16:37] lilithsapathy: i kept making it drain too, by pressing on it in the right spot and making her inhale deeply. i told her it was good to let it drain out...which IT IS, but i was also just plain out fascinated by it spurting out between staples
[16:38] DragynTa2: youre a freak
[16:38] lilithsapathy: if you could see it, you would do the same thing omg!
[16:38] lilithsapathy: it kinda looks like very thin yellow grease..
[16:38] lilithsapathy: like its clear, but its yellow
[16:38] DragynTa2: omg stop Im eating
[16:39] lilithsapathy: OMG you didnt tell me you were eating lol SORRY
[16:39] DragynTa2: lolol its ok I was done. but I was eating cottage cheese for some reaon
[16:39] lilithsapathy: ewwww im gonna throw up
[16:39] DragynTa2: YOU!
[16:40] lilithsapathy: LOL i feel ill
[16:41] DragynTa2: lol best musical impromptu scene ever... Beetle Juice "Day-O"... its beats all... even the "My Best Friends Wedding"
[16:49] lilithsapathy: lol
[16:49] lilithsapathy: i watched my best friends wedding the other day...
[16:50] DragynTa2: so did Dut... and we argued back and forth as to which musical scene was better
[16:50] lilithsapathy: beetlejuice
[16:50] lilithsapathy: it was way more random
[16:50] DragynTa2: hell fuckin ya
[16:50] DragynTa2: AND they used the real singer which was great... and had choreographed dance number
[16:51] lilithsapathy: lol
[16:51] DragynTa2:
[16:52] DragynTa2: DL Ella Fitzgerald version of "Danke Shoen" its $$$ compared to Wayne Newton
[16:52] lilithsapathy: i have a fuckton of ella fitzgerald at home, no clue if i have that though
[16:53] DragynTa2: its awesome!!! it makes me so sad, and makes me think of Jennifer Tilly for some reason
[16:58] lilithsapathy: lol why her?
[16:58] lilithsapathy: so, i came here with one HUGE suitcase 3/4 full of stuff, i think i will be leaving with the same suitcase jammed full, along with two small ones packed to the brim...
[16:59] DragynTa2: umm do you remember a weird movie she was in where she like sold vacuums and killed people or something?
[16:59] lilithsapathy: ummm no lol
[16:59] DragynTa2: nice
[16:59] DragynTa2: lemme look it up...
[17:01] lilithsapathy: find it?
[17:02] DragynTa2: god this ho made a lot of movies.
[17:02] lilithsapathy: lol she is in alot of random ass movies also
[17:03] DragynTa2: ok well in the movie, she is a killer or something posing as a door to door vacuum salesperson.
[17:04] DragynTa2: at the end of the movie right before the credits, its her in the desert at dusk vacuuming the ground... and shes kinda dancing as she does... and thats the scene that plays in my head when the song is on
[17:04] DragynTa2: cuz its like quirky cute
[17:07] lilithsapathy: HOLD PLS
[17:10] lilithsapathy: lol thats SCARY mister
[17:11] DragynTa2: OK WELL, I THINK the movie is called American strays, and I havent seen it in years...
[17:11] lilithsapathy: lets watch it!
[17:11] DragynTa2: ANYHOW the reason it reminds me of jennifer Tilly is because at the end of the movie, she is in a suit.
[17:11] DragynTa2: oh, and she wasnt the original vacuum salesman, she killed him and put on his suit
[17:11] lilithsapathy: do all suits remind you of jennifer tilly?
[17:11] lilithsapathy: hawt
[17:12] DragynTa2: when women wear them and femininity remain intact... yes sometimes
[17:13] DragynTa2: Hawt... Jennifer Tilly is Chinese Irish Canadian
[17:18] DragynTa2: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115531/
[17:18] lilithsapathy: awww my poor wonderful *edit*
[17:19] DragynTa2: PINK
[17:20] lilithsapathy: he lost his phone charger and his phone is dead, and he called me from his sister's phone, and he has been moving the last two days, so he insists the charger is just gone.and, he put some stuff in his trunk, and now his trunk wont open back up, its stuck. and im like "the charger is in the stuck trunk." he swears its not, but i just KNOW it is, so now he is gonna pry it open or something i guess *shrug*
[17:21] lilithsapathy: see, its stuff like this i wish he did not do...he is too damn considerate, and he just won't be a jerk that doesn't call for days and then gives you a lame i lost my cell phone charger excuse...instead.. he uses his sister's phone and calls you and is apologetic and adorable *sigh*
[17:21] DragynTa2: he should go in fromt he back seat and use the emergency release
[17:21] lilithsapathy: OMG why didnt i think of that =( and i have no way to tell him lol
[17:22] DragynTa2: lol
[17:22] lilithsapathy: he said he might try to call me tonight, so if he does and the trunk isnt open i shall tell him you thought of a great plan!
[17:23] DragynTa2: lol ok!
[17:23] DragynTa2: which I am sure he will think of too. I dont think he is literrally gonna pry it open. you brute
[17:24] DragynTa2: like that whole "Youre locked inside your car, and there is a hammer on the dash board... how do you escape?" type situation
[17:30] lilithsapathy: i dont know, he gets on this manly kicks and just fucking Heman's stuff open
[17:35] DragynTa2: WELL?!?! How would you escape?!
[17:37] lilithsapathy: i would take the spikey end of the hammer and pry the inside door cover off and once the inside mechanics are exposed i would just push the lock up from the inside of the door
[17:37] DragynTa2: ... you can just unlock the door like a normal person
[17:38] lilithsapathy: you said i was locked in, i ASSUMED you meant the lock was not working
[17:38] DragynTa2: lol at least you didt say "BREAK A WINDOW!!" like Dut did
[17:38] lilithsapathy: i.e. it got stuck
[17:39] lilithsapathy: its cheaper to get your stuck lock fixed and your door cover put back on than buy a new window...plus you would get glass in your face prolly =/
[17:40] DragynTa2: lol
[17:40] lilithsapathy: bah
[17:40] lilithsapathy: did you tell clane it was a trick question? =(
[17:40] DragynTa2: or there is another riddle thing, where from what the researched only sociopaths were able to answer
[17:41] lilithsapathy: 17:39] lilithsapathy: [17:24] DragynTa2: like that whole "Youre locked inside your car, and there is a hammer on the dash board... how do you escape?" type situation
[17:39] lilithsapathy: how would YOU escape?
[17:40] TehDarknesh: Unlock the door, and get out
[17:41] DragynTa2: I dont talk to clane
[17:41] DragynTa2: lol
[17:41] lilithsapathy: [17:41] TehDarknesh: Only police squad cars can lock people in, and only in the backseat...whcih means you couldn't reach the dashboard anyways
[17:42] lilithsapathy: i just told clane my answer and he was like " ...wow..."
[17:43] lilithsapathy: anyway, whats the other sociopath riddle!
[17:43] DragynTa2: lol
[17:43] lilithsapathy: he says that was really methodical of me, and that he was impressed lol
[17:43] DragynTa2: sec fighting stuff with Daemious
[17:43] DragynTa2: ya it was impressive
[17:44] lilithsapathy: lol
[17:44] DragynTa2: ok...
[17:47] DragynTa2: twin sisters meet a man at their mother's funeral... Twin A falls in love with the man. a few months later Twin A kills Twin B... who was the man, and why did Twin A kill Twin B
[17:49] lilithsapathy: hrmm...let me consider this!
[17:50] lilithsapathy: the man is the guy that murdered their mother and twin a kills twin b because they are twins and she is afraid he might prefer twin b.
[17:51] DragynTa2: um no
[17:51] DragynTa2: ok hint!
[17:51] lilithsapathy: it makes for a good story =/
[17:51] DragynTa2: she kills the twin in hopes of meeting the man again
[17:52] lilithsapathy: damned! i was going to say the man was the preacher/paulbearer(sp?) or grave digger and decided i wanted to be more flashy
[17:53] DragynTa2: yes! the man was the priest
[17:53] lilithsapathy: i shouldve gone with my first answer, even though i didnt know the second half of it (why she would kill twin b)
[17:53] lilithsapathy: im worried im going to die
[17:53] lilithsapathy: a woman in my family dies every 10 years...
[17:54] lilithsapathy: my great grandmother died in 1976, my mother died in 1986, and my grandmother died in 1996
[17:54] lilithsapathy: its 2006 and its me or my aunt(mother) left..
[17:54] DragynTa2: not to rehash old stuff... but didnt you have an obortion? and does that count?
[17:55] lilithsapathy: good point...i wonder if that does count?
[17:55] DragynTa2:
[17:55] lilithsapathy: prolly only counts if you believe in destiny and not science, since it hadn't, technically, developed a distinguishable sex yet
[17:56] DragynTa2: its not decided yet what determines personhood yet tho
[17:56] lilithsapathy: hrm
[17:56] lilithsapathy: lets hope that counts, cuz im not ready to die yet
[17:57] DragynTa2: ok
[17:57] lilithsapathy: i want more riddles
[17:57] DragynTa2: I dont have anymore off the top of my head
[17:58] DragynTa2: lemme look for some!
[17:59] lilithsapathy: hooray, you do that while i pick up this oopsie i just made
[18:00] DragynTa2: The farmer had a fox, a chicken, and a bag of corn. He also had a raft that would carry hemself and one other item, at a time to get all three, the fox, chicken, and the corn across the river to the other side safely. Which one would he take first?
[18:00] DragynTa2: eww you peed on your moms floor?
[18:02] lilithsapathy: no, but i dumped out a box of junk
[18:03] lilithsapathy: the chicken
[18:03] DragynTa2: yay
[18:04] lilithsapathy: that one was too easy i thinks =/ cuz you would take the chicken across, go back and get the fox, drop of the fox and pick up the chicken and take it back with you, pick up the bag of corn, drop off the chicken, take the corn to the fox, then go back and get the chicken
[18:04] DragynTa2: There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?
[18:06] lilithsapathy: hrm
[18:16] lilithsapathy: gah, i will figure it out, hold on!
[18:16] DragynTa2: lol
[18:16] DragynTa2: I forgot you hadnt answered
[18:17] lilithsapathy: its because im over thinking the situation!
[18:17] lilithsapathy: on top of the head of the person in the center of the room?
[18:18] lilithsapathy: WAIT
[18:18] DragynTa2: well. on top of the head of one person is the answer
[18:18] DragynTa2: youre right kinda
[18:20] lilithsapathy: this is why i suck at riddles =( i was all like "well the room could be filled with mirrors, in which case im not really sure how one person could not see it, and then i was like, well if you lined ten people up on one wall and nine on the opposite they could see everything, then have one person on a wall all alone in the center of the wall in between the two with people on it, everyone but the guy with the apple on his head could see it =/
[18:21] lilithsapathy: i want a new one while i get my pizza out of the microwave!
[18:23] DragynTa2: The following sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.
[18:23] DragynTa2: lol wrap your head around that
[18:35] DragynTa2: http://www.mensa.org.uk/mensa/puzzles/brainteasers.html..IQ.1
[18:48] lilithsapathy: oooo
[18:48] lilithsapathy: sorry, was ninja afk for pizza and clane ALMOST got the sociopath question right
[18:48] DragynTa2: lol
[18:48] lilithsapathy: actually this proves we should not be together
[18:48] lilithsapathy: since i could answer the first part of the question and he could answer the second
[18:48] DragynTa2: Dut's lil brother got it right like within five seconds
[18:48] lilithsapathy: [18:23] TehDarknesh: The man was a stranger to the twins, and Twin A killed Twin B so that there would be another funeral so that she might meet him again
[18:49] DragynTa2: dont read so far into it
[18:49] lilithsapathy: lol together we are a complete sociopath instead of a partial../
[18:57] DragynTa2: PHRASE OF THE DAY!!!
[18:57] DragynTa2: "funny enough"
[18:58] DragynTa2: america's next top model is about to start so I am afk for an hour!
[18:58] lilithsapathy: OMG LAME
[18:59] DragynTa2: STFU! I sit and listen to you babble and whine! I have deep meaningful conversations with you about you being attracted to some one else... LET ME BE SUPERFICIAL for an hour once a week
[18:59] DragynTa2: GAH!
[18:59] lilithsapathy: FINE
[18:59] DragynTa2: ok afk an hour
[18:59] lilithsapathy: go buy in to Tyra and her fake titties
[18:59] DragynTa2: they arent fake.
[19:00] lilithsapathy: see, she has you brainwashed already
[19:00] DragynTa2: and I am not buying into anything. I dont hold girls to any high standards now then I did before
[19:00] lilithsapathy: STOP TYPING i know, i saw the show
[19:00] lilithsapathy: go afk!
[20:06] DragynTa2: BACK BACK BACK
[20:06] DragynTa2: AND! Dut ruined the whole show by calling me twice during (while at his brothers) and kept talking while the show was onand then saying "what'd she say?"
[20:07] DragynTa2: WTF does that! zOMG
[21:55] DragynTa2: ARE YOU THERE FOOL!?
[21:55] DragynTa2: youre ignoring me?! ME?! ME!?!??!
[21:55] DragynTa2: ME!?!?!
[21:56] DragynTa2: ..!..
[21:56] DragynTa2: ..!.. you I say!
[22:51] lilithsapathy: hey
[22:52] lilithsapathy: so, i had some drama
[22:52] DragynTa2: what... and raiding so gonna be delayed responses. but I assure you I am paying attention
[22:52] lilithsapathy: lol raiding at 11 pm?!
[22:53] DragynTa2: ya did Greyce and Jamerski's epics.. now we're doing some DoD thing
[22:54] lilithsapathy: and so, i picked up my purse a few ago, and this horridly sharp pain that felt like someone sticking a sliver of glass into my arm and shocking me at the same time occured. I promptly threw everything in my hands and my purse on the floor and began to scream like a girl as goosebumps broke out all up my arm and the stinging pain increased. I ran into the den, cursing and flailing my arm around and almost crying.
[22:56] lilithsapathy: as you well know, im deathly afraid of most any bug type creature and it seems a baby yellow jacket had sneaked into the house and taken up residence in the pocket of my purse. Evidently he was furious that i interupted his nap by picking up my belongings he had so recently decided to call home, and he bit me.
[22:57] DragynTa2: lol so you got stung... and freaked?
[22:57] lilithsapathy: oh, it gets better..
[22:57] lilithsapathy: just wait!
[22:59] lilithsapathy: well, my grandfather doing his best sailor impression informs me that im a lady and to fucking watch my mouth as he hobbles over and sprays me with toothpaste. Oddly enough, despite his being senile, he was correct about toothpaste sucking the poison out-which is a good thing since one of the approx. two allergies I have are to yellow jackets. Well, I decide the little bugger must have gotten killed in the chaos that becomes me when a bug nears me, and go on about my business since my arm feels better.
[23:03] lilithsapathy: So, my mom is leaking digested jello, and I kneel on the floor in front of her chair to change her bandage again. I lift my arm to peel away tape, and this small winged bug creature with a huge, venomous stinger of a tail takes flight from my arm and lands on my mothers blanket. My ninja quickness allowed me to promptly be on my feet, making gagging, sputtering noises and do the "omg there is a bug on me i have to strip all my clothes off dance" all the way to the kitchen.
[23:06] lilithsapathy: Enter my grandfather again from stage left as he explains to me how silly I am. Im crying at this point, and my mother is threatening to smack me for being a pussy, and is also concerned that the yellow jacket will land in her open wound. We turn out all the lights, except the tv, because my grandfather claims he is "an expert yellow jacket catcher" and that this plan will do the trick. I sit down on the couch, and everything that touches me ofcourse is a yellow jacket, so I start to have an anxiety attack.
[23:07] DragynTa2: ...
[23:08] DragynTa2: so are ok now?
[23:11] lilithsapathy: Well, after I did my anxiety ritual that calms me down, and Lost came on the television, I forgot about the yellow jacket trap we had laid by turning out the lights. I'm lying there and I hear the cell phone in the bedroom ring. I check the clock and see that it is 8:30 here, which means its 9:30 on the east coast; and use my ninja skills once again to be on my feet and dashing to the phone with in seconds. As I round the corner of the hallway to the bedroom, something buzzed past my head therefore I got a small panic, which made my ninja prowess fail momentarily; and I snagged my foot in a throw rug and stumbled the next four feet down the hallway.
[23:16] lilithsapathy: I got my footing again, after jumping over the fluff ball of a dog in the bedroom doorway, as I snatched up the phone. They had hung up. I am far too excited to worry about the fact that I should take a moment and recover gracefullness and endearing lady like manner I typically display, and call them back immediately. Unfortunately, that resulted in my being concerned for the next five minutes if I had been stalker breathing from all the excitement when I said "hello" when returning the call. Fortunately, this cute greek boy is far too nice to mention it if I were, but the worry is still there since I opted not to explain the whole night's events to him.
[23:17] DragynTa2: wtf did you drive into a steel magnolias fried green tomatoes twilight zone?
[23:21] lilithsapathy: After some flirtation and fun, I am "paged" to leave my bedroom and enter the den. Upon entering the den, My grandfather proudly displays to me a yellow jacket corpse much like a good old cat will leave the dead body of a mouse at your door step to prove he is doing his job, and proclaims that he did infact say he was an expert at catching yellow jackets and has proved it. At this point, I am thankful the cell phone has a mute button and I freely used it before entering the den. I returned to my bedroom blushing over being afraid my mother can see right through me. In the end, the whole event was very dramatic, but it had a happy ending. My grandfather can still catch yellow jackets, my sting stop hurting, I was quite pleased, and that cute greek boy loves me.
[23:21] lilithsapathy: lol wtf do you mean did i drive into a steel magnolias fried green tomatoes twilight zone /sigh
[23:22] DragynTa2: youre a freak
[23:22] lilithsapathy: =(
[23:23] DragynTa2: lol living in the city made you soft
[23:23] lilithsapathy: you have said that like, a 100 times today about my being a freak
[23:23] DragynTa2: well you havent proven otherwise
[23:23] lilithsapathy: Sir, I'm just as afraid of city bugs as I am of country bugs.
[23:23] DragynTa2: yes BUT in the city its ok, they are diseased.
[23:23] lilithsapathy: you're my bff, i dont have to prove otherwise to you!
[23:24] DragynTa2: more so you have to prove to me
[23:24] lilithsapathy: City bugs may be diseased, but country bugs are bitter and treacherous.
[23:24] DragynTa2: I hold you to higher standards than that of any other friend
[23:24] lilithsapathy: BUT you should also accept my freak-hood as some graciously quirky quality that makes you love me.
[23:25] DragynTa2: there is quirky, and there is out right freak
[23:25] DragynTa2: feeling the need to own multiple catch all boxes. is a quirk.
[23:25] DragynTa2: they are just glorified junk drawers. yet you think they are a godsend
[23:25] lilithsapathy: I do not own multiple ones. Dave has one, Clane has one, and I have one. I do not own all three.
[23:27] DragynTa2: in moderation "one mans trash is another mans treasure" is fine even admirable... but you border OCD with it sometimes. sometimes trash is just trash
[23:27] lilithsapathy: My glorified junk drawers as you call my precious catch alls have zero to do with the fact that I was assaulted by a man eating bug, and had to face my mother two seconds after an orgasm and you care nothing about the trauma this has caused me!
[23:29] lilithsapathy: I do not clutter my catch alls with trash, thank you very much. You can find useful things in those..like body lotion and keys and frebreeze and ipods. It's like a swag basket you give yourself every morning
[23:31] DragynTa2: it wasnt a man eating bug (proving you over glorify) secondly, youre an adult. what you do on your personal time is your business. and the "trauma" as you call it is self imposed victimization
[23:32] DragynTa2: and you got me on the catchall thing I guess. so I recant the staement
[23:32] lilithsapathy: Must you always be so simplistic and boring and void of appreciation of dramatic events *sigh*
[23:33] DragynTa2: lol
[23:33] DragynTa2: I thought you enjoyed my dry sense of humor.
[23:34] lilithsapathy: only on the weekends and weekdays.
[23:36] DragynTa2: what is it atm?
[23:36] lilithsapathy: Wednesday?
[23:36] DragynTa2: so a weekend or weekday
[23:38] lilithsapathy: weekday, unless you are a desert bum like me, then everyday is the weekend!
[23:38] DragynTa2: ah
[23:39] DragynTa2: I think I have a herpy on my mouth =/ I thought it was a pimple or something or gor forbid an ingrown hair... but its not going away and it kinda hurts
[23:41] lilithsapathy: how would you get a mouth herpy?
[23:42] DragynTa2: like a cold sore. but I dunno
[23:42] DragynTa2: I am not prone to cold sores
[23:42] lilithsapathy: i dont think a cold sore and herpy are the same thing?
[23:42] DragynTa2: never had one actually
[23:42] DragynTa2: ya they are.
[23:43] DragynTa2: genittal herpies is simplex B and oral herpies are simplex A
[23:44] lilithsapathy: what kinda oral did you have going on to get an A Herpy
[23:44] DragynTa2: no no
[23:45] DragynTa2: the typical herpies you get on your mouth, like cold sores... is a different strain of herpies.
[23:45] DragynTa2: the STD herpies is a different strain
[23:46] lilithsapathy: its still....a herpy
[23:46] DragynTa2: much like, crabs and lice are related, but not the same bug
[23:48] lilithsapathy: ugh, dont talk about bugs
[23:49] DragynTa2: lol
[23:49] lilithsapathy: just put some medicated stuff on the herpy and say its a papercut
[23:50] DragynTa2: how the fuck do I explain a papercut on the side of my mouth
[23:50] DragynTa2: ugh I dont have an STD.
[23:50] DragynTa2: you have to have S to T the D
[23:50] DragynTa2:
[23:51] lilithsapathy: lolz awww *comfort*
[23:51] lilithsapathy: and i have had a papercut on the side of my mouth, so its quite possibly
[23:52] DragynTa2: I want this for christmas! http://www.threadless.com/product/623/Haikus_are_easy_but
[23:55] DragynTa2: and I will get you this for christmas!!! http://www.threadless.com/product/628/Breaking_Up_Is_Hard_To_Do
[23:56] lilithsapathy: hooray!
[23:57] lilithsapathy: lol yours so reminds me of you =D
[23:57] DragynTa2: lol
[23:58] DragynTa2: there is another shirt that says "Fcuk Typos" which would be great for D
[23:59] lilithsapathy: lol omg
[23:59] lilithsapathy: thats what we should get him for christmas!
[23:59] DragynTa2: YES!
[23:59] DragynTa2: if we have to make it cheaply ourselfs!
[23:59] DragynTa2: selves*
[23:59] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:00] lilithsapathy: its only like 15$ plus shipping, so i will buy yours for you, and then we will be ghetto and get that one for D from both of us lolz
[00:01] lilithsapathy: ofcourse, if we do that, then you cant be upset if i let D put his name on the shirt i get you...
[00:03] DragynTa2: lol of course not
[00:03] DragynTa2: he can put his name on the one I find for you
[00:03] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=656
[00:03] lilithsapathy: you know...he is getting off easy in all this lol
[00:03] lilithsapathy: I LOVE T SHIRT HELL OMG
[00:03] DragynTa2: yes yes he is.
[00:06] lilithsapathy: lol i dont have an issue with fuckin canucks
[00:06] DragynTa2: lol
[00:06] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=401
[00:07] DragynTa2: totally able to read it.
[00:07] DragynTa2: when I first started playing, I had to ask Stabb what 1337 meant
[00:08] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:08] lilithsapathy: i love that shirt...i know so many people that need to get laid =/
[00:09] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=559 Sadly I couldnt read it. I had to read the description
[00:09] lilithsapathy: awww thats so cruel *hug*
[00:09] lilithsapathy: yay for me !http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=692
[00:10] DragynTa2: lol
[00:10] DragynTa2: and all three of us should get this shirt for no reason... http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=625
[00:11] lilithsapathy: LOL omg thats even more funny because of how often D talks about jews =/
[00:11] lilithsapathy: OMG for me !http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=729
[00:12] DragynTa2: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=562 FOR ME!
[00:12] DragynTa2: haha cutter =(
[00:12] DragynTa2: these should just be our sigs lol
[00:12] lilithsapathy: LOL i love it
[00:12] lilithsapathy: omg you need this becaushttp://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=202e it makes me giggle
[00:12] lilithsapathy: arg fucked it up
[00:12] lilithsapathy: http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=202
[00:13] DragynTa2: hahah
[00:14] lilithsapathy: love ithttp://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=676
[00:15] DragynTa2: lol
[00:15] lilithsapathy: i would say get D this, but he would so wear it with pride =/..http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=318
[00:16] lilithsapathy: ummm i dont get it..http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=688 =(
[00:16] DragynTa2: http://www.zazzle.com/product/235242276559202515
[00:17] DragynTa2: I dont get it either
[00:17] DragynTa2: http://www.zazzle.com/product/235375675794197863
[00:18] lilithsapathy: omg, i want that shirt that says " I taught your girlfriend that thing you like..."
[00:18] DragynTa2: lol
[00:19] DragynTa2: http://www.zazzle.com/product/235690303947499658 lolol
[00:19] lilithsapathy: LOL OMG
[00:20] lilithsapathy: OMG can we PLEASE get this for scott?!!!http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=673
[00:22] DragynTa2: hahaha
[00:22] DragynTa2: hax his shah account and change his sig!
[00:22] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:22] lilithsapathy: he would kick my ass =D it'll be fun
[00:23] lilithsapathy: i wonder if his pw is the same as his eq account pw? o.O
[00:23] DragynTa2: lol prolly
[[00:25] DragynTa2: http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/emoticon/male
[00:26] lilithsapathy: oh mah gawd
[00:26] DragynTa2: neato
[00:26] lilithsapathy: i want one of those gd scrolling led belt buckles
[00:26] lilithsapathy: im so not sure i could pull it off though, and i would fret over what to make it say..
[00:27] lilithsapathy: OMG FOR YOU !http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/collarup/male
[00:29] DragynTa2: http://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/Dane_Cook_BAMF_T-Shirt.html
[00:29] DragynTa2: lol I want a belt too!!
[00:29] lilithsapathy: lol
[00:30] lilithsapathy: we should get some with fake bling all around the led, and get the blue led scroll and make yours say "Sesame Street Cred"
[00:31] lilithsapathy: this should be for Dhttp://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/ASS_The_Other_Vagina_T-shirt.html
[00:32] lilithsapathy: lol or thishttp://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/Masturbation,_My_Anti-Drug_T-Shirt.html
[00:32] DragynTa2: http://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/html/End_Emo_T-shirt.html
[00:33] lilithsapathy: nooooo~!
[00:34] DragynTa2: lol
[00:34] DragynTa2: zOMG! http://nerdyshirts.com/product_info.php?gender=1&products_id=469
[00:35] DragynTa2: http://www.nerdyshirts.com/product_info.php?gender=1&products_id=37&osCsid=b08b30e0a2b5b7bb43f2d603e1574df7 lolol
[00:35] lilithsapathy: lol thats hot
[00:36] DragynTa2: For TARO! http://www.unholytshirts.com/Purchase%20Bitch%20Magnet.htm
[00:36] lilithsapathy: omg i need to finish this room! come help me, quit with those damn tshirts, its distracting! be boring!
[00:37] lilithsapathy: OMG
[00:37] lilithsapathy: he MUST have that
I'm done being lame, but if all my friends can post random nonsense conversations, I can also, bitches!
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