Katherine,
I really think this letter only proves that you do not know me at all. It is a sad and horrible thing for me to say, but I really fear it is true. You can't possibly know what I am truly thinking, unless ofcourse, I tell you. I do things for others because it makes me happy to see others happy. I do these "amazing" things for people because either I care about them or it is the right thing to do based on my relationship (or sometimes even my friend's relationship) with the people I do things for. Humans are innately selfish creatures. Part of life is over coming that selfishness to do things in the world that make an impact, even a small one, on others. So yes, when any deed I have done fails to make an impact, there is some selfishness there in the fact that it upsets me that said deed made no change in a person or relationship.
You say several times we can't be the friends we use to be. That is true, mainly because when you describe me, you are describing someone that hasn't existed in a very long time. You say you want us to grow and change together, but the real problem is that you have changed for the worse. You aren't empowered, but have resorted to being the center of the universe, which I know from experience is easier than actually changing or empowering yourself. I'm not perfect, no one is; but to say that I am still selfish and a bully and that I insist on always being right is unfair and somewhat of a falsehood. Everyone will make mistakes and slips, but I have made a great deal of changes in the correct direction.The difference between my argument and yours is that I have acknowledged the things that you do not just the things I see you not do. I still do not always pick and chose my battles as wisely as I should, but I am taking steps to work on that.
In the mean time, while you are the greatest friend I have had in my life, you have added some very tough stipulations to your friendship and love. Recently, unless things go your way (the only way as far as you are concerned), then they cease to go at all. In Wickenburg, YOU decided you wanted to start anew in this what is now become a disaster of a friendship. I allowed that to happen with no argument or negative mindset about the outcome. The slate was clean, completely. You came down to my house once, I came to yours once, and we went out to a family dinner with me picking you up one way and kevin the other. All of that is amazingly great, and I was very pleased to see both of us making efforts.
You would be correct in saying I do have some expectations of my friends and relationships, all of us do. My expectations have become less distorted (or so I thought before this weekend). I do not expect anything elaborate or great of anyone, but I do - as most people do - expect my friends to be there when it is truly important or I am in true need of assistance. You cannot be angry at me for your actions marring our clean slate.
Quite simply, I reached out for help in a very stressful time and grasped at air where as my friend your hand should have been. I was upset and disappointed and even became angry when you refused to acknowledge that you let me down. However, the moment you said you were sorry I immediately let it go because in my mind that is what friends do when other friends accidentally hurt them. I suppose I didn't realize that at the time, the apology was only to shut me up since you didn't actually believe you had done anything to hurt me.
Saturday after you guys arrived at the festival, I treated you no differently than I normally would. Things seemed to be going fine, and I felt everyone had some fun. Saturday evening, the last time I spoke to you, you guys were going to sit around and relax for a few more moments before heading toward the party. I assumed this meant you would arrive in the next two to three hours giving plenty of time for whatever it is you felt you wanted to do before attending Clane's party. I never heard from you again. You didn't even call to say you can't make it. Even people who I don't know or barely know or rarely hang out with that had legitimate reasons for not attending managed a phone call.
Mona and I both talked openly with you and in front of you about how we feel about our friends dropping the ball on other friends important days. I even told you I was infuriated to hear that no one told you Happy Birthday. I was also heartless towards Amanda for not realizing that some things are not about her. That she shouldn't call you a friend and then let you down during an important and exciting time in your life. You don't get a free pass just because you feel like a part of my family. You let Clane down as well as our other friends and myself, and I'm truly am sorry if I wasn't gentle enough in telling you because my intention yesterday was not to be cruel to you. I did genuinely try to be calm and logical.
I am genuinely afraid that the new Katherine is someone only Kevin can love, and if you begin treating him the way you do everyone else even he may have a hard time. As for your friends and family in California, I honestly don't think they know the real you anymore. They still know the Kat we all fell in love with. I don't tell you these things to hurt you or oppress you. I say them because I'm worried. I know from experience you have set your self up to travel a very lonely road.
You insist on having these misconceptions about me and how I act and react. I really do believe holding on so tightly to these old conceptions of my character and how I previously acted enables you to treat me badly with no regret. In your mind, I truly believe you think I deserve this treatment, and if I deserve this treatment as punishment or penance for past regressions then you have done nothing wrong by treating me this way.
I have attempted to be supportive in all of your recent endeavors, and I wasn't always exceptional at it. In the end, I feel satisfied with how I handled things and I am sorry if you didn't and didn't tell me. I am confused about the etiquette in this current situation though. Do I suck it up and ask to go through the wedding as normal? Do I ask to be repaid for the money spent on something I am not going to be a part of? Do I resign from the wedding or wait for you to kick me out? Do I still through a party I invited everyone to? Do I really let you allow this all to go to hell right before your wedding so you can be the victim and never see how you wronged others? I really don't know what the polite thing to do in this situation is, honestly.
I will say that you do not get to be the martyr or the victim. That number two thing was always a joke, never serious. You are not oppressed by me, and I shouldn't be blamed for you needing to feel that way to justify how you treat me and people you associate with me. If you were your own person you wouldn't cling so tightly to the only person in Arizona who you haven't hurt, manipulated, or abused with your selfish behavior. If you are truly this empowered and breaking free from oppression, then I wish you well and hope you can stand on your own two feet because it is all you will have left in the end. There will always be a new tyrant to oppress you, and now that everyone else is gone I am scared you will turn Kevin into your new excuse for bad behavior, and well, he doesn't deserve that because he is really trying.
Lastly, one day, you will see the folly in what you thought; and you will realize the way you treated me, Dave, and everyone else here in Phoenix is unacceptable. You will see your selfishness, cruel actions, and shameful statements, and you will feel regret. Once you are buried under your own mountain of humiliation and regret and loneliness you will understand true oppression and the only dictator left standing over you will be you.
Good luck Katherine. You were the sister I always wanted, unfortunately I guess you were the younger, selfish sister I needed so that I could overcome my own stupidity to rise above such behavior. I love you and wish you best. Please do respond about how to handle this wedding debacle.
Love,
Shannon
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