Children...or the lack therof....

I am 27 years old. I have found that I have beat my biological clock into submission, at least temporarily. When I was 18, I became pregnant and moved to Arizona with my then boyfriend (now husband of 6 years). I was dead set on having this baby and starting a family with him. After much turmoil, it all ended in a miscarriage. A few years later when I was 22, I found myself pregnant again. This time I made the choice to terminate because of the circumstances occurring in my life. Now, as I said, I'm 27 and have found that I am in no hurry to bring children into a world of conflict filled with troubles, disease, and poverty. I'm also too selfish at this point in life, and I am just enjoying the thought of experiencing a hundred different things with my husband before devoting our lives to a young child. I've also decided that I'd really love to adopt and/or foster many children once we have settled down and have the means. I suppose I needed to explain that before I make the following comments. Perhaps it will help others visualize where I am coming from when I say..........Using children to get ahead in life, in any way whatsoever, is BULLSHIT! (Thanks Penn & Teller ... by the way Mr. Penn and Mr. Teller...you should consider this for an episode.)

It has become apparent to me in life that I am denied many simple rights, and luxuries, in life because I have decided to put off having children. Now, I mean no disrespect to mothers or fathers. They definitely do have one of the hardest jobs known to man. However, I don't think that something that is so basic and primal and necessary in life - like procreation - should come with so many social and financial perks. Shouldn't people be having children because they desire them, can afford them, are responsible, and prepared to devote all of themselves to nurture these small beings? It has become obvious to me that this isn't necessarily the case. I'd like to cite some examples:

1. In Arizona, if your household income is the same as mine you are not impoverished - despite the fact that you can't afford anything. If you make almost one thousand dollars more per month than myself and have a child, then you are extensively impoverished.
2. In Arizona, if you are pregnant or have a child and are impoverished by definition of the state, you easily receive state benefits such as food stamps, cash assistance, health care, and WIC.
Despite being poor and unemployed, I am not available for any of these benefits unless I bring a child into an already poor household.
3. In Arizona, if you wreck your car and smell of beer and cry to the cop about being a single mother, you get a 75 dollar speeding ticket. Despite also crying and explaining why this could ruin my life, when I was pulled over for a minor traffic violation involving the registration sticker when the officer smelled alcohol I was given a felony dui despite not blowing twice the legal limit.
4. Anywhere in the USA, once you reach the age that all of your friends have children, whether they were ready for them or not, you will be asked at least once a week by someone when you are going to have children. The women with children are praised for the cutesy, inane things their children do.
5. In Arizona, you get the good spot on the bus. People without small children are asked to stand when seats run low.
6. When I go out and party have fun with my friends, I am not growing up fast enough, not setting my priorities straight, or not preparing for my future. When a mother goes out for cocktails with her girlfriends, she deserves a day away from the kids.

I am sure there are a million others, but I am getting to heated about the whole ordeal to continue. Basically, what is so special about having a child that makes you far superior to everyday folk? You deserve respect and have a hard job. You aren't a god damn rock star. I could squeeze a life form out of my vagina without thinking about the consequences as well, it doesn't make me special - it just means I have female anatomy.

I feel like there is some prejudice against women who want to enjoy being women (girls?) for a while longer.

I will leave you with some things Patton Oswalt said (paraphrased of course):

"All of my friends are either having babies or getting sober. They are equally annoying....."

"What about people like me that have learned to control their drinking and aren't polluting the planet with kids? Don't I get something?"

" All these people are like 'I decided to get sober', and everyone is like 'hey, let's give you a parade'. These other people are like 'I decided to squirt out a baby', everyone is like 'hey, let's burn your name on the surface of the Moon'. I learned how to stop at two scotches and I don't have any miniature versions of myself ruining the planet and everyone is like 'eh, whatever'. WHAT, WHAT, I'm ten times better than both those guys."

Definition....

So, I have been thinking about the word define lately.
Webster says define is a verb that does the following things: to state or set forth the meaning of, to explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of, to fix or lay down definitely; specify distinctly, to determine or fix the boundaries or extent of, to make clear the outline or form of. Now, after that brief English lesson, I will talk about what really has been on my mind.

I was thinking of all things that can and "do" define us. Personality traits, actions, speech, words, patriotism, heritage, religion, appearance, social standing, abnormalities, idiosyncrasies, career, family, and many other things, or the lack thereof, are all used to define people as who they are or will become or will never be. However, does it really mean anything at all? I have become to believe that it truly does not. I would like to think I have never defined someone on these particular things and let it shape how I feel about them. I cannot confidently say that I have not, but I do try to remain as nonjudgmental as possible. Alas, I am only human as they say and full of err.

With all this consideration of definitions, I began to think about the things I have done in my lifetime which probably have given people no true perspective as to who I feel that I am or how people see me today. I mean, to be fair, I once told an ex-boyfriend that if he didn't listen to me and we weren't getting back together I was going to throw myself from an overpass. I don't think many people today would ever envision me saying or doing such a thing, and, for honesty's sake, even at that time I had no intention of actually removing myself from this earth via my face meeting the freeway or any other alternate form of self eradication. I did however feel desperate, and desperate times, as they say, are full of desperate measures.

For the record, I don't condone self harm to make others see your point. I'd like to say especially because it does not work. The guy only thinks I am a whack job that he is better off without, or I feel confident he feels that way, at least. To continue on the crazy train, I also, technically, tried to run my best friend over with a vehicle. I wasn't actually going to hurt her, but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. Luckily, she forgave me after some time; and most people have forgotten the incident. I don't think this makes me a dangerous person or even violent person. I don't condone trying to run people over or harming your friends.

I also stole bread, ham, and cheese from a convenience store chain once. I needed to eat, and we were poor. I don't think this makes me a thief, and I don't support stealing. I know thou shalt not steal, but thou didn't really have any options. I'd like to think I am forgiven for that considering all the charitable donations I have made since then, and the prayers that have followed.

I once drank too much, and entirely too often. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous for almost a year. I stayed sober for 8 of those months. I don't think this makes me a drunk or wino or alcoholic. I think it means I am person who has many problems and an addictive nature. I don't condone drinking or other substance abuse as a way to escape life and your problems.

I am guilty of letting my hair and dress code be my main priority while also having a tank top addiction. I don't think this makes me vain, or just the fat girl trying to expose her better qualities. I think it shows a woman who needed to feel safe and comfortable and pretty.

I have a huge long list of confessions, but the point I suppose I am trying to accomplish is that certain circumstances make people act unlike themselves. Lots of factors can be involved, but does this really constitute me being the "crazy", or the "bitch", or the "law breaker", or the "alchy" or the "fat girl with cute hair". I think not. And if I think this for myself, then I have to apply it to others. Everyone deserves multiple chances I suppose. I mean, people can and do often change. Not only do they change, but sometimes they were there all along hidden by bad reactions to bad circumstances. I think mankind needs to be a little more patient with its fellow humans.

All of this leads into thinking about how people go out of their way to NOT be defined as something. For example, punk or alternative people who go to the extreme to not conform. Well, despite the fact that they all just conformed to non-conformity, should not something be said about the fact that they typically have a distaste for people who feel defined by their polo shirts and dress pants? Don't they engulf themselves in definition by going out of their way to not be defined as something else. What about the anti-girl or anti-boy? People needing so badly not to be judged purely on the definition of their gender. However, when they go to the extreme to express their inner identification, don't they just absorb into everything they didn't want in the first place?

I guess what I am trying to say with this is that when we work so terribly hard, as a lot of us do, to not be judged by this or that we typically only give in to the very thing we fear - definition or incorrect definition.

I think as long as you are comfortable with what and who you are that we shouldn't get so caught up on what other people say or do to define us. Don't let their comments or judgments hinder us. Also, we shouldn't be so afraid or self righteous to not try new or different things from our own personal norms just because they may re-define who we are or are not. Be open to new things, new experiences, new styles, new music, new ideals, and new...well, stuff!

There are so many dimensions to us as people. So very many. You can't get all caught up in just one of them because it is safe or because you are afraid. You are who you are. And you do change. For better and for worse. I think people who focus to hard on definitions or lack of definitions are doing themselves a huge disservice.

I think I will let Tyler Durden sum this up for me:
You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis.
The things you own end up owning you.
It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.