Tuesday, July 18, 2006 3:54 AM
I beg of you...
Current mood: drained
Please Stop.
You have what you came for, now just go.
Please Leave.
I need the silence so I can clearly hear my spirit crumble.
Fucking go away.
Would you please just let me be broken hearted?
Just fucking stop mending it only so you can murder me again.
I told you, I don't have anything left to give you.
Even if you wanted something else, you already own it all.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to push you away.
Please don't stop.
You can always have what you came for.
Please don't go.
I need you to stay so I can be whole.
Fuck, Please Don't go.
Would you please fix me?
Just fucking please make it all stop, and make me smile.
I told you, I will give you everything.
Even if you don't want anything else, know that its yours.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to hang on.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Old Myspace Post.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006 3:54 AM
I beg of you...
Current mood: drained
Please Stop.
You have what you came for, now just go.
Please Leave.
I need the silence so I can clearly hear my spirit crumble.
Fucking go away.
Would you please just let me be broken hearted?
Just fucking stop mending it only so you can murder me again.
I told you, I don't have anything left to give you.
Even if you wanted something else, you already own it all.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to push you away.
Please don't stop.
You can always have what you came for.
Please don't go.
I need you to stay so I can be whole.
Fuck, Please Don't go.
Would you please fix me?
Just fucking please make it all stop, and make me smile.
I told you, I will give you everything.
Even if you don't want anything else, know that its yours.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to hang on.
I beg of you...
Current mood: drained
Please Stop.
You have what you came for, now just go.
Please Leave.
I need the silence so I can clearly hear my spirit crumble.
Fucking go away.
Would you please just let me be broken hearted?
Just fucking stop mending it only so you can murder me again.
I told you, I don't have anything left to give you.
Even if you wanted something else, you already own it all.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to push you away.
Please don't stop.
You can always have what you came for.
Please don't go.
I need you to stay so I can be whole.
Fuck, Please Don't go.
Would you please fix me?
Just fucking please make it all stop, and make me smile.
I told you, I will give you everything.
Even if you don't want anything else, know that its yours.
My hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to hang on.
Old Myspace Post.
Monday, July 17, 2006 11:25 AM
Vanish...
I just want to vanish.
Evaporate away from here.
Sometimes it's all too much.
When the confusion sets in, tears of frustration stream downward.
They fall and meet my colorless cheeks.
I just want to slip away.
Float away from here.
Sometimes it's not enough.
When the desire sets in, shivers of longing coarse through me.
The feeling rises and meets my overactive imagination.
I just want to sink.
Dive away from here.
Sometimes it's all too lonely.
When the silence sets in, a wave of deafness echos my thoughts.
It reverberates and meets my sadness.
I just want to smile.
Laugh myself away from here.
Sometimes its all too ironic.
When the momentary happiness sets in, giggles escape my soft lips.
They fill the room and meet the world.
I just want...
It's obvious what I want.
Vanish...
I just want to vanish.
Evaporate away from here.
Sometimes it's all too much.
When the confusion sets in, tears of frustration stream downward.
They fall and meet my colorless cheeks.
I just want to slip away.
Float away from here.
Sometimes it's not enough.
When the desire sets in, shivers of longing coarse through me.
The feeling rises and meets my overactive imagination.
I just want to sink.
Dive away from here.
Sometimes it's all too lonely.
When the silence sets in, a wave of deafness echos my thoughts.
It reverberates and meets my sadness.
I just want to smile.
Laugh myself away from here.
Sometimes its all too ironic.
When the momentary happiness sets in, giggles escape my soft lips.
They fill the room and meet the world.
I just want...
It's obvious what I want.
Old Myspace Post.
Monday, July 17, 2006 10:48 AM
A few...
Current mood: dirty
It's Five a.m.
My brain just will not shut off.
I keep trying.
I stare into nothing, attempting not to think.
The red numbers pierce my eeys and drill into my thoughts.
For some reason, as my eyes were finding some deep, meaningful connection with the alarm clcok, I begin to sing inside my head
All my mind could conjure at first was the line "Seeing red again".
Within seconds, I thought of you.
It's so ridiculous how that works.
Thinking of nothing, and ending with thinking of you.
I consistently wonder if I am the only one that has similiar paths of thought.
Alright, well fine...
What I want to say is - Sometimes I wonder if you do the same thing.
I would never tell you.
I think that way when I can't sleep at night.
I hate being afraid.
Is it wrong that I'm scared at five a.m. , and I want nothing but someone to tell me I am okay?
By someone, you know I mean you.
I wish the clutter that is my head right now would disintegrate.
I long to see things clearly, as they are meant to be seen.
The sun is beginning to bleed through the windows, however it doesnt shed any light on the situation.
Perhaps Jaded isnt so bad.
I'm not a fan o delusions.
That by no means says I don't have the common human nature to set things aside.
I should stop, but I just can't.
I shouldn't, but I do.
I'm only human.
__________________________________________________
It's a familiar sound.
I annoy myself when my ears perk like an abased puppy when I hear it.
You know I adore it.
It never occured to me this would happen.
Who does this?
I smile.
There is that noise again.
I'm frustrated when I eagerly look at the screen.
Slightly embarassed at the realization there are ten numbers in this world, arranged in the order of perfection, that excite me.
You know I love it.
You know far too much.
I have grown to cherish stroking your ego.
Maybe Jon is right, Bad medicine might be just what I need.
_________________________________________________________
I lie here on the floor.
Rotating between staring at the floor and staring at the ceiling.
I shiver, hearing the air conditioning click on.
The Carpet is icy already.
It's caress is rough, scratchy against my chilled skin.
My eyes shutter close.
The breath I deeply inhale smells of nothing, other than itchy carpet.
I momentarily realise where I'd rather be.
The entire planet spins on its axis of insanity.
My finger nails dig desperately into the carpet until I can convince myself its not the world I'm trying to grasp.
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never meet the expectations set before me.
My insecurities eat me alive, tear at me, ravage me.
I stumble off my pedestal once again.
I lie here on the floor.
Afraid, vulnerable, insecure, broken, restless, trembling, broken, empty , loathing, apathetic, scared, mangled, stubborn, tears streaming.
I'm confident this isn't what you signed up for.
Unfortunately, this is all I have got.
Relax and give me awhile.
_________________________________________________________
Hmmm, You're funny.
Thanks.
Wanna have random sexual conversation?
Always.
(insert flirtation)
Heya.
(flirt)
(tease)
(lie)
Innocent, or so thought to be.
Emotionless, or so hope to be.
I don't know you.
I'm your whore.
I wish I was your doll.
I shouldn't, that's stupid.
I don't do this all the time, swear.
Doesn't mean much, I know.
Don't sleep with me.
Just fuck me.
I like you like I shouldn't.
A few...
Current mood: dirty
It's Five a.m.
My brain just will not shut off.
I keep trying.
I stare into nothing, attempting not to think.
The red numbers pierce my eeys and drill into my thoughts.
For some reason, as my eyes were finding some deep, meaningful connection with the alarm clcok, I begin to sing inside my head
All my mind could conjure at first was the line "Seeing red again".
Within seconds, I thought of you.
It's so ridiculous how that works.
Thinking of nothing, and ending with thinking of you.
I consistently wonder if I am the only one that has similiar paths of thought.
Alright, well fine...
What I want to say is - Sometimes I wonder if you do the same thing.
I would never tell you.
I think that way when I can't sleep at night.
I hate being afraid.
Is it wrong that I'm scared at five a.m. , and I want nothing but someone to tell me I am okay?
By someone, you know I mean you.
I wish the clutter that is my head right now would disintegrate.
I long to see things clearly, as they are meant to be seen.
The sun is beginning to bleed through the windows, however it doesnt shed any light on the situation.
Perhaps Jaded isnt so bad.
I'm not a fan o delusions.
That by no means says I don't have the common human nature to set things aside.
I should stop, but I just can't.
I shouldn't, but I do.
I'm only human.
__________________________________________________
It's a familiar sound.
I annoy myself when my ears perk like an abased puppy when I hear it.
You know I adore it.
It never occured to me this would happen.
Who does this?
I smile.
There is that noise again.
I'm frustrated when I eagerly look at the screen.
Slightly embarassed at the realization there are ten numbers in this world, arranged in the order of perfection, that excite me.
You know I love it.
You know far too much.
I have grown to cherish stroking your ego.
Maybe Jon is right, Bad medicine might be just what I need.
_________________________________________________________
I lie here on the floor.
Rotating between staring at the floor and staring at the ceiling.
I shiver, hearing the air conditioning click on.
The Carpet is icy already.
It's caress is rough, scratchy against my chilled skin.
My eyes shutter close.
The breath I deeply inhale smells of nothing, other than itchy carpet.
I momentarily realise where I'd rather be.
The entire planet spins on its axis of insanity.
My finger nails dig desperately into the carpet until I can convince myself its not the world I'm trying to grasp.
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never meet the expectations set before me.
My insecurities eat me alive, tear at me, ravage me.
I stumble off my pedestal once again.
I lie here on the floor.
Afraid, vulnerable, insecure, broken, restless, trembling, broken, empty , loathing, apathetic, scared, mangled, stubborn, tears streaming.
I'm confident this isn't what you signed up for.
Unfortunately, this is all I have got.
Relax and give me awhile.
_________________________________________________________
Hmmm, You're funny.
Thanks.
Wanna have random sexual conversation?
Always.
(insert flirtation)
Heya.
(flirt)
(tease)
(lie)
Innocent, or so thought to be.
Emotionless, or so hope to be.
I don't know you.
I'm your whore.
I wish I was your doll.
I shouldn't, that's stupid.
I don't do this all the time, swear.
Doesn't mean much, I know.
Don't sleep with me.
Just fuck me.
I like you like I shouldn't.
Old Myspace Post.
Sludge
Current mood: complacent
Somedays everything is so fuzzy.
I struggle with my very own memories.
I try to pull them from the back of my brain.
Life has caused the majority of them to be hidden in the darkness of times past.
The sludge of change has buried them beyond reach.
Typically they only surface for a few, rare triggers.
Random moments in the present that return small incidents of joy or pain for a few fleeting moments.
Most days I almost wish I could just forget.
I wish my cherished memories didn't weep like this.
Current mood: complacent
Somedays everything is so fuzzy.
I struggle with my very own memories.
I try to pull them from the back of my brain.
Life has caused the majority of them to be hidden in the darkness of times past.
The sludge of change has buried them beyond reach.
Typically they only surface for a few, rare triggers.
Random moments in the present that return small incidents of joy or pain for a few fleeting moments.
Most days I almost wish I could just forget.
I wish my cherished memories didn't weep like this.
Old Myspace Post.
Sunday, July 16, 2006 4:39 AM
A night out..nowhere.
Current mood: artistic
It's strange how the coffee here doesn't taste like any place back home, yet it reminds me of being a teenager.
It's weird how some things come full circle.
Maybe the never change.
Maybe I, at the core that is, never change.
Either way, here I sit in an all night, breakfast-anytime join once again.
Once again, I contemplate all these aspects of my life over thick, cheap coffee and expensive cigarettes.
Sometimes I forget how much I loved this.
The way I can stick my nose in this notebook, writing intently, and the world ignores me.
Sometimes its nice to just observe people, even your friends, when you are this invisible.
You notice things maybe you have not had the time to see before.
Things like the way Clane gets more relaxed and louder around his friends.
Things like the way Nick does this eye roll and smirk thing when Jerald talks about him.
Things like the way Jerald makes great effort to speak over anything I say, not that I am saying all that much right now.
Things like the way Corey, thankfully, knows the perfect time to say something random to save me from being a bitch to this guy sitting across from me.
Yea, he is most definitely THAT guy.
The loud, obnoxious, one upper guy.
I hate liars.
Regardless, I suppose this whole ordeal brought back some memories.
Good and tragic thoughts.
I wish I could sit here longer and write down what I am really thinking.
I'm so relieved the four of us are lying about our nocturnal tendencies so we can escape the refuse of society sitting at our table.
It definitely amazes me how lacking in intellect plagues a great deal of our wonderful society.
Those loud ladies in a couple of boths over make me giggle.
They seem so fun, but please, let us exit.
A night out..nowhere.
Current mood: artistic
It's strange how the coffee here doesn't taste like any place back home, yet it reminds me of being a teenager.
It's weird how some things come full circle.
Maybe the never change.
Maybe I, at the core that is, never change.
Either way, here I sit in an all night, breakfast-anytime join once again.
Once again, I contemplate all these aspects of my life over thick, cheap coffee and expensive cigarettes.
Sometimes I forget how much I loved this.
The way I can stick my nose in this notebook, writing intently, and the world ignores me.
Sometimes its nice to just observe people, even your friends, when you are this invisible.
You notice things maybe you have not had the time to see before.
Things like the way Clane gets more relaxed and louder around his friends.
Things like the way Nick does this eye roll and smirk thing when Jerald talks about him.
Things like the way Jerald makes great effort to speak over anything I say, not that I am saying all that much right now.
Things like the way Corey, thankfully, knows the perfect time to say something random to save me from being a bitch to this guy sitting across from me.
Yea, he is most definitely THAT guy.
The loud, obnoxious, one upper guy.
I hate liars.
Regardless, I suppose this whole ordeal brought back some memories.
Good and tragic thoughts.
I wish I could sit here longer and write down what I am really thinking.
I'm so relieved the four of us are lying about our nocturnal tendencies so we can escape the refuse of society sitting at our table.
It definitely amazes me how lacking in intellect plagues a great deal of our wonderful society.
Those loud ladies in a couple of boths over make me giggle.
They seem so fun, but please, let us exit.
Old Myspace Post.
Saturday, July 15, 2006 4:34 AM
I spent the day thinking...
Current mood: contemplative
Its Amazing really, the small things that remind you of home.
The smell of creole seasoning, or the taste of fried catfish.
The feeling you get when you remember what its like when summer turns to autumn.
I sometimes wonder if home sickness is driven by fear.
Do we actually truly want to return because we miss it?
Because we truly cherish and loved it?
Or is this feeling of longing driven by a desire to return and hide somewhere we consider safe?
In my instance, I'm definitely the latter.
From my brith, nearly every decision I have made has been the product of some some fear or another.
Maybe thats why anyone makes a choice?
I so easily preach change and acceptance of things lost.
Maybe I say it with such conviction in hopes that someday I could practice it myself.
I spent the day thinking...
Current mood: contemplative
Its Amazing really, the small things that remind you of home.
The smell of creole seasoning, or the taste of fried catfish.
The feeling you get when you remember what its like when summer turns to autumn.
I sometimes wonder if home sickness is driven by fear.
Do we actually truly want to return because we miss it?
Because we truly cherish and loved it?
Or is this feeling of longing driven by a desire to return and hide somewhere we consider safe?
In my instance, I'm definitely the latter.
From my brith, nearly every decision I have made has been the product of some some fear or another.
Maybe thats why anyone makes a choice?
I so easily preach change and acceptance of things lost.
Maybe I say it with such conviction in hopes that someday I could practice it myself.
Old Myspace Post.
Monday, July 10, 2006 9:40 AM
I don't even know
Current mood: blah
A little honesty.
It seems like such a simple thing to give someone.
It's all yours; you can have it.
I took a deep breath, and let the words slither off my tongue and out my lips.
When I heard what I said in my own ears, I felt the bruises you would leave.
I care enough that it's okay for you to do it.
I care enough that it's okay that you will likely break me.
My brokeness wouldn't be anything new.
Maybe I should've been honest about that instead, but I think you knew.
I hate how you always know; I hate how I don't have to say it.
I love how you make me do it, regardless.
I hate when I think too much; I hate when I wonder why you call.
I love how when you do, It doesn't matter why you did.
I have this love and hate affair with how you make me feel.
1 Comment
Demetri
Sounds odd, who would make you feel so?
I don't even know
Current mood: blah
A little honesty.
It seems like such a simple thing to give someone.
It's all yours; you can have it.
I took a deep breath, and let the words slither off my tongue and out my lips.
When I heard what I said in my own ears, I felt the bruises you would leave.
I care enough that it's okay for you to do it.
I care enough that it's okay that you will likely break me.
My brokeness wouldn't be anything new.
Maybe I should've been honest about that instead, but I think you knew.
I hate how you always know; I hate how I don't have to say it.
I love how you make me do it, regardless.
I hate when I think too much; I hate when I wonder why you call.
I love how when you do, It doesn't matter why you did.
I have this love and hate affair with how you make me feel.
1 Comment
Demetri
Sounds odd, who would make you feel so?
Old Myspace Post.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006 1:42 PM
Wake up Call !
Current mood: content
I woke up this morning....and everything seemed fake.
Out of my control, my fingertips ran acrosss my eyelids.
They traced their way down my face, across my cheek, and to my throat.
My neck was warm, and I noticed that I was shivering.
I rolled on to my back, and began staring at the ceiling.
Light beams scattered from the blinding window played with one another.
Slowly, I was becoming more aware of my self, in so many ways.
I soon realised my body was completely vulnerable, and I thought of you.
I opened my mouth and suddenly broke the silence that was engulfing me.
My soft voice vibrated off everything around me.
The only reply I recieved was the laughter of nothingness.
My lips parted, and my lungs carried a sigh to meet them, to slip over them.
I snapped my eyes shut, hoping for one last chance at continued sleep.
I quickly fell into the most clean pool, and the smell of fresh flooded me.
It was the brightest blue I never imagined, and I was ...forgiven.
My eyes fluttered open, and I realised I had not escaped into sleep.
I carefully sat up in my bed, pulling my legs to curl up underneath me.
My soft hair, smelling expensive, fell over my face, and it blurred my vision.
As I felt the same gorgeous waves across my shoulders, I almost chuckled.
A humourless chuckle realising its typical for me to not see things clearly.
My hand lazily made its way to the auburn strands hiding my eyes.
With no real sense of control, I pushed my hair back away from my face.
A blushing smile played across my lips as I felt loose curls tickle my breast.
My head tiredly tossed, assisting the rest of my hair in resting on my back.
My palms found my delicate face once more, momentarily hiding it.
I gently wiped my face; uknowingly taking some of my innocence.
I seem to have felt young again, as if things had happened differently.
What an odd thought to have come over me.
My feet caressed the floor before I realised I had even moved.
I let the comfortable, soft fabric of a punisher t-shirt molest me.
After pulling it over me, I made my way to the bathroom mirror.
I brushed my teeth, and I flashed myself my sexiest, 10- grand, smile.
I amiably made my way down the stairs.
My fingers rolled across the metal banister, and I think I thought of you.
Once I found myself in the kitchen, I scrounged for a bottle of water.
The bottle opening introduced itself to my lips politely.
My lips had been heated, and welcomed the freezing liquid.
My eyes were shut as water swam down my throat.
I closed the lid and my tongue adventured across my wet lips and smile.
I giggled softly to myself, thinking, and started my day.
1 Comment
Demetri
This is a very interesting read captain. My wake up calls are slightly different. :)
Wake up Call !
Current mood: content
I woke up this morning....and everything seemed fake.
Out of my control, my fingertips ran acrosss my eyelids.
They traced their way down my face, across my cheek, and to my throat.
My neck was warm, and I noticed that I was shivering.
I rolled on to my back, and began staring at the ceiling.
Light beams scattered from the blinding window played with one another.
Slowly, I was becoming more aware of my self, in so many ways.
I soon realised my body was completely vulnerable, and I thought of you.
I opened my mouth and suddenly broke the silence that was engulfing me.
My soft voice vibrated off everything around me.
The only reply I recieved was the laughter of nothingness.
My lips parted, and my lungs carried a sigh to meet them, to slip over them.
I snapped my eyes shut, hoping for one last chance at continued sleep.
I quickly fell into the most clean pool, and the smell of fresh flooded me.
It was the brightest blue I never imagined, and I was ...forgiven.
My eyes fluttered open, and I realised I had not escaped into sleep.
I carefully sat up in my bed, pulling my legs to curl up underneath me.
My soft hair, smelling expensive, fell over my face, and it blurred my vision.
As I felt the same gorgeous waves across my shoulders, I almost chuckled.
A humourless chuckle realising its typical for me to not see things clearly.
My hand lazily made its way to the auburn strands hiding my eyes.
With no real sense of control, I pushed my hair back away from my face.
A blushing smile played across my lips as I felt loose curls tickle my breast.
My head tiredly tossed, assisting the rest of my hair in resting on my back.
My palms found my delicate face once more, momentarily hiding it.
I gently wiped my face; uknowingly taking some of my innocence.
I seem to have felt young again, as if things had happened differently.
What an odd thought to have come over me.
My feet caressed the floor before I realised I had even moved.
I let the comfortable, soft fabric of a punisher t-shirt molest me.
After pulling it over me, I made my way to the bathroom mirror.
I brushed my teeth, and I flashed myself my sexiest, 10- grand, smile.
I amiably made my way down the stairs.
My fingers rolled across the metal banister, and I think I thought of you.
Once I found myself in the kitchen, I scrounged for a bottle of water.
The bottle opening introduced itself to my lips politely.
My lips had been heated, and welcomed the freezing liquid.
My eyes were shut as water swam down my throat.
I closed the lid and my tongue adventured across my wet lips and smile.
I giggled softly to myself, thinking, and started my day.
1 Comment
Demetri
This is a very interesting read captain. My wake up calls are slightly different. :)
Old Myspace Post.
Monday, July 03, 2006 6:39 AM
Come Clean
Current mood: horny
I can't get this feeling out of me.
I'm painted, I feel like a China Doll.
The worst part is, I happily dress up and play.
I can't get this feeling off me.
I'm dirty, I scrub until its love red.
The worst part is, my clothes come off me so much more simply.
I don't want this feeling to leave.
I'm enthralled, I just can not walk away.
The worst part is, I would hope for you to pull me back if I tried.
I don't want this feeling to fade.
I'm addicted, I seem to always want some.
The worst part is, I seriously don't desire a rehab for it.
The craziness crawls all over me.
It infects me.
Sinks into my heated, pale skin.
I do nothing but welcome it with the most open of mind and arms.
I just lie back, and let the corruption flow.
It's disturbing, and I adore the moments where it takes me completely.
All I can do is smile and lick the shame from my lips.
I'm sorry heart.
2 Comments
2 Kudos
Demetri
I just lie back, and let the corruption flow.
It's disturbing, and I adore the moments where it takes me completely.
That made me kind of lol. :)
Shannon McComb
lol yourself, mr demetri =)
Come Clean
Current mood: horny
I can't get this feeling out of me.
I'm painted, I feel like a China Doll.
The worst part is, I happily dress up and play.
I can't get this feeling off me.
I'm dirty, I scrub until its love red.
The worst part is, my clothes come off me so much more simply.
I don't want this feeling to leave.
I'm enthralled, I just can not walk away.
The worst part is, I would hope for you to pull me back if I tried.
I don't want this feeling to fade.
I'm addicted, I seem to always want some.
The worst part is, I seriously don't desire a rehab for it.
The craziness crawls all over me.
It infects me.
Sinks into my heated, pale skin.
I do nothing but welcome it with the most open of mind and arms.
I just lie back, and let the corruption flow.
It's disturbing, and I adore the moments where it takes me completely.
All I can do is smile and lick the shame from my lips.
I'm sorry heart.
2 Comments
2 Kudos
Demetri
I just lie back, and let the corruption flow.
It's disturbing, and I adore the moments where it takes me completely.
That made me kind of lol. :)
Shannon McComb
lol yourself, mr demetri =)
Old Myspace Post
Friday, June 30, 2006 1:31 PM
Tarot....
Current mood: contemplative
I read my own Tarot today, for the first time. I am quite comfortable doing it for others, but I had never done it for myself. It took tons more concentration and skill than I thought. My first attempt provided valid information, but not on the subject I was requesting. Sometimes, energy will completely disregard what you ~think~ you need/want to know, and tell you what you MUST know, before moving on. That is what happened here I believe...
Reading 1
Card 1 = General Situation.
The Sun- Joy and Simplicity. Energy, Activity, Excitement, Rational. Sexual Desire. Confidence. Life is wonderful.
Card 2= What created this situation.
The Magician- Power. Strength. Being in control of one's life. Transforming old situations, bring in new ones. A burst of energy. Creativity. Focused Will.
Card 3= Personal Beliefs of the situation
The Wheel of Fortune-(reversed)-Difficulty adjusting to change. Resistance to change.
Card 4=End Result of the Situation
Disappointment- Patience, being patient. Confusions and disappointments are exaggerated.
Card 5= Spiritual History, Personal behaviours of the past.
Uselessness-Depression. Possibly the need to leave a situation for new possibilities.
Card 6= Spiritual Task at hand currently
Victory- Triumph, Confidence, Firm Action will lead to triumph and pure inspiration.
Card 7= Metamorphosis, personal spiritual destiny
Father of Wands- A Calm person. possibly stuffy, a rooted quality that gives strength.
Card 8= The Helper, guidance
Daughter of Stones- Willingness to take responsibility for something greater than oneself. Love, courage, and dedication. Inner Beauty.
Card 9= Yourself
King of Stones- Someone who cares deeply for family and nature. Fundamental male principles.
Card 10= The Teacher
Two of Swords- Opportunity for prosperity. tranquility.
Meaning of Reading 1: My life has come to a comfortable peak. I am full of energy and excitement for the future. By taking control of the situation, despite my fears of change, I will be granted patience, strength, and will. Formerly depression wracked my spirit, I must continue to battle against it, seeking confidence and inspiration to accomplish my wishes and dreams. I can only rely on my inner will and dedication to myself and my loved ones to find myself once again. From meditation and long silences of thought, I will once again regain my calm and have peace of mind.
___________________________________________________
Sometimes, even with an innocent question, energy can bring you what I refer to is as a nice bitch slap of a wake up call. I will not reveal what I originally asked either time, as it was quite personal, however, I will sum up the reading.
Reading 2:
Card 1= General Situation
Eight of Swords- Interference. Gossip, Help or Advice.
Card 2= What created this situation.
Eight of Wands- Definite movement. A worthy goal. Finding direction in life. Development of a new love affair.
Card 3= Personal Beliefs of the Situation
Disappointment- Patience, being patient. Confusions and disappointments are exaggerated.
Card 4= End result of the situation
Ace of Cups- Happiness. Love. Joy. Optimism. Love flowing openly between two people.
Card 5= Spiritual History, Personal behavious of the past
The Hanged Man- Attachment, deep spiritual awareness, independence
Card 6= Spiritual Task at hand currently
The Empress- Passion. Love. Motherhood. Joyous activities.
Card 7= Metamorphosis, personal spiritual destiny
The Moon- Imagination. Fantasies, Daydreams. Strong Dreams. Source of Creativity
Card 8= The Helper, guidance
King of Cups- A powerful, domineering person. intelligence, creativity, generous and loving
Card 9= Yourself
Prince of Stones- Taking action to make a positive change with the benefit of the next seven generations in mind.
Card 10= The Teacher
Prince of Cups- Sweet tempered, but naive person. A good heart. A test.
Meaing of Reading 2: I have feelings causing internal turmoil relating to the heart and mind. I brought them upon myself with bold movements and developments of a passionate nature. If I can rid myself of feelings of guilt, frustration, and confusion, I will find an overpowering love. A creature of attachment and deep spiritual awareness of others, I require passion and fun activities to express and mold myself. These feelings of love allow me to be creative and imaginative, twisting my spirit into a strong artistic, accomplishing force. I will learn to rely on someone who is powerful, dominate, intelligent, generous with love and deep spiritual roots within their heart. My guide is also the same person who will test me slowly and patiently. Its important that I continue to learn from my test, and think far ahead about the choices I will be forced to make. My guide will not mislead me, and trusting this person not to do so will lead to flowing joy
Tarot....
Current mood: contemplative
I read my own Tarot today, for the first time. I am quite comfortable doing it for others, but I had never done it for myself. It took tons more concentration and skill than I thought. My first attempt provided valid information, but not on the subject I was requesting. Sometimes, energy will completely disregard what you ~think~ you need/want to know, and tell you what you MUST know, before moving on. That is what happened here I believe...
Reading 1
Card 1 = General Situation.
The Sun- Joy and Simplicity. Energy, Activity, Excitement, Rational. Sexual Desire. Confidence. Life is wonderful.
Card 2= What created this situation.
The Magician- Power. Strength. Being in control of one's life. Transforming old situations, bring in new ones. A burst of energy. Creativity. Focused Will.
Card 3= Personal Beliefs of the situation
The Wheel of Fortune-(reversed)-Difficulty adjusting to change. Resistance to change.
Card 4=End Result of the Situation
Disappointment- Patience, being patient. Confusions and disappointments are exaggerated.
Card 5= Spiritual History, Personal behaviours of the past.
Uselessness-Depression. Possibly the need to leave a situation for new possibilities.
Card 6= Spiritual Task at hand currently
Victory- Triumph, Confidence, Firm Action will lead to triumph and pure inspiration.
Card 7= Metamorphosis, personal spiritual destiny
Father of Wands- A Calm person. possibly stuffy, a rooted quality that gives strength.
Card 8= The Helper, guidance
Daughter of Stones- Willingness to take responsibility for something greater than oneself. Love, courage, and dedication. Inner Beauty.
Card 9= Yourself
King of Stones- Someone who cares deeply for family and nature. Fundamental male principles.
Card 10= The Teacher
Two of Swords- Opportunity for prosperity. tranquility.
Meaning of Reading 1: My life has come to a comfortable peak. I am full of energy and excitement for the future. By taking control of the situation, despite my fears of change, I will be granted patience, strength, and will. Formerly depression wracked my spirit, I must continue to battle against it, seeking confidence and inspiration to accomplish my wishes and dreams. I can only rely on my inner will and dedication to myself and my loved ones to find myself once again. From meditation and long silences of thought, I will once again regain my calm and have peace of mind.
___________________________________________________
Sometimes, even with an innocent question, energy can bring you what I refer to is as a nice bitch slap of a wake up call. I will not reveal what I originally asked either time, as it was quite personal, however, I will sum up the reading.
Reading 2:
Card 1= General Situation
Eight of Swords- Interference. Gossip, Help or Advice.
Card 2= What created this situation.
Eight of Wands- Definite movement. A worthy goal. Finding direction in life. Development of a new love affair.
Card 3= Personal Beliefs of the Situation
Disappointment- Patience, being patient. Confusions and disappointments are exaggerated.
Card 4= End result of the situation
Ace of Cups- Happiness. Love. Joy. Optimism. Love flowing openly between two people.
Card 5= Spiritual History, Personal behavious of the past
The Hanged Man- Attachment, deep spiritual awareness, independence
Card 6= Spiritual Task at hand currently
The Empress- Passion. Love. Motherhood. Joyous activities.
Card 7= Metamorphosis, personal spiritual destiny
The Moon- Imagination. Fantasies, Daydreams. Strong Dreams. Source of Creativity
Card 8= The Helper, guidance
King of Cups- A powerful, domineering person. intelligence, creativity, generous and loving
Card 9= Yourself
Prince of Stones- Taking action to make a positive change with the benefit of the next seven generations in mind.
Card 10= The Teacher
Prince of Cups- Sweet tempered, but naive person. A good heart. A test.
Meaing of Reading 2: I have feelings causing internal turmoil relating to the heart and mind. I brought them upon myself with bold movements and developments of a passionate nature. If I can rid myself of feelings of guilt, frustration, and confusion, I will find an overpowering love. A creature of attachment and deep spiritual awareness of others, I require passion and fun activities to express and mold myself. These feelings of love allow me to be creative and imaginative, twisting my spirit into a strong artistic, accomplishing force. I will learn to rely on someone who is powerful, dominate, intelligent, generous with love and deep spiritual roots within their heart. My guide is also the same person who will test me slowly and patiently. Its important that I continue to learn from my test, and think far ahead about the choices I will be forced to make. My guide will not mislead me, and trusting this person not to do so will lead to flowing joy
Old Myspace Post.
Thursday, June 29, 2006 9:01 AM
Laughter....Hippie
Current mood: loved
It feels so good to laugh again. Not as though I hadn't been all this time, but, for the most part, it was that very controlled, adult laughter. I am not saying it wasn't geniune; I am saying it hadn't that freedom to it that is most commonly only found in children's laughter. Children don't care who is listening, how loud they are, how long they laugh, how weird it might sound for them to laugh, or if they are laughing at absolutely nothing. I am not sure if I was just in extra good spirits yesterday, or I have lost my complete, entire mind. All day yesterday, It was like every frustration I had ever had didn't exist, almost as if I had the chance to go back and regain some of that freedom we lose as we get older. All day yesterday, I laughed. Things weren't especially funnier the usual; I think I just took the small amount of time it takes to enjoy things. For the first time since....Well, I can't even remember since...I laughed until I was crying. By the end of the day, my sides hurt. I think even my mouth hurt from smiling. I would like to think of it as a sign of having relaxed, and I would like to think that I am finally letting this guard down that for some reason I felt I needed.
This whole ordeal to me has felt like a snake, shedding its skin. I was uncomfortable. I was moody. I was the only one that knew exactly how it felt. I was filled with apathy. Eventually, instead of hating them, I used the tools around me for support. I pulled myself along, letting the wonderful, natural things that surround me pull and tug at me in the gentle and loving fashion of nature. Finally, I was free. Finally, I can see my beautiful, shiny skin again for what it really is....me. Any bumps, scratchs, bruises, or even scars I recieved along the way make me imperfectly perfect, exactly the way we are all intended to be.
I have realised that I think I love people because of these "imperfections". I think it makes us human, and, in doing so, allows us to reach a whole new level with each other. Over time, I think its these things that allow people to continue relationships, whether they are friendships or more than. I am completely dedicated, from now on, to loving everyone and anyone for exactly who they are. Not the potential they have, not what they use to be, but for being them.
I am slowly dealing with the fact that I just might be a hippie >.< I know alot of people probably aren't fond of Yoko Ono, but , at the heart of it all, john and her had some amazing ideas. I think the idea of calling random people in the phone book, to have them pick up and you say " Hello, this is (your name here) , and I love you" then hang up, is gorgeous. I hear arguements that it would no longer be acceptable in our society, and that it never was in the first place. Thats the problem...there should be nothing wrong with loving everyone for just being themselves. We bog ourselves down in all this political correctness, and acceptable rules of our culture, and we never stop and think how different things could really be. People in general, can't even stop playing enough "games" to tell people they truly care about how they feel for fear of response and ridicule. It's unfair to treat our bodies and our minds this way. I should have every right by society and feel completely comfortable telling the people I care about how much I care, and how much I love them without it being this huge...issue. I honestly think learning to do that, would be the first step to returning to a culture that loves and cherishes its neighbor, complete strangers, as well themselves and the people they truly love.
"Hello, this is Shannon, and I love you."
Laughter....Hippie
Current mood: loved
It feels so good to laugh again. Not as though I hadn't been all this time, but, for the most part, it was that very controlled, adult laughter. I am not saying it wasn't geniune; I am saying it hadn't that freedom to it that is most commonly only found in children's laughter. Children don't care who is listening, how loud they are, how long they laugh, how weird it might sound for them to laugh, or if they are laughing at absolutely nothing. I am not sure if I was just in extra good spirits yesterday, or I have lost my complete, entire mind. All day yesterday, It was like every frustration I had ever had didn't exist, almost as if I had the chance to go back and regain some of that freedom we lose as we get older. All day yesterday, I laughed. Things weren't especially funnier the usual; I think I just took the small amount of time it takes to enjoy things. For the first time since....Well, I can't even remember since...I laughed until I was crying. By the end of the day, my sides hurt. I think even my mouth hurt from smiling. I would like to think of it as a sign of having relaxed, and I would like to think that I am finally letting this guard down that for some reason I felt I needed.
This whole ordeal to me has felt like a snake, shedding its skin. I was uncomfortable. I was moody. I was the only one that knew exactly how it felt. I was filled with apathy. Eventually, instead of hating them, I used the tools around me for support. I pulled myself along, letting the wonderful, natural things that surround me pull and tug at me in the gentle and loving fashion of nature. Finally, I was free. Finally, I can see my beautiful, shiny skin again for what it really is....me. Any bumps, scratchs, bruises, or even scars I recieved along the way make me imperfectly perfect, exactly the way we are all intended to be.
I have realised that I think I love people because of these "imperfections". I think it makes us human, and, in doing so, allows us to reach a whole new level with each other. Over time, I think its these things that allow people to continue relationships, whether they are friendships or more than. I am completely dedicated, from now on, to loving everyone and anyone for exactly who they are. Not the potential they have, not what they use to be, but for being them.
I am slowly dealing with the fact that I just might be a hippie >.< I know alot of people probably aren't fond of Yoko Ono, but , at the heart of it all, john and her had some amazing ideas. I think the idea of calling random people in the phone book, to have them pick up and you say " Hello, this is (your name here) , and I love you" then hang up, is gorgeous. I hear arguements that it would no longer be acceptable in our society, and that it never was in the first place. Thats the problem...there should be nothing wrong with loving everyone for just being themselves. We bog ourselves down in all this political correctness, and acceptable rules of our culture, and we never stop and think how different things could really be. People in general, can't even stop playing enough "games" to tell people they truly care about how they feel for fear of response and ridicule. It's unfair to treat our bodies and our minds this way. I should have every right by society and feel completely comfortable telling the people I care about how much I care, and how much I love them without it being this huge...issue. I honestly think learning to do that, would be the first step to returning to a culture that loves and cherishes its neighbor, complete strangers, as well themselves and the people they truly love.
"Hello, this is Shannon, and I love you."
Old Myspace Post.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006 1:39 PM
Am I deep?
Current mood: bouncy
Well, for the most part, life seems to be taking a turn for the better. I badly needed this to happen. After some soul searching, many long nights of crying and being crazy, and just feeling plain old sick and tired of being sick and tired...I feel whole again.
Honestly though, it was alot of hard work, and I didnt do it alone. Seriously, maybe its the small, little things that matter so much. I could never tell Clane how important it is that he kept loving me, even though I was going through a time when I wasn't the person he married at all. I hope Demetri knows, that despite where our friendship started, it means the world to me that I could call him at 2 am, wake him up, cry and not be able to say what I needed to say; and have him know exactly what I was saying and talking about and comforting me. I am very sure Dave doesn't realise that by being himself, he reminded me that its OKAY to do nerdy things and act and feel natural. Z...oh god..what could I say about Z, I don't even know her as well as I like, but its like...she was immediately so kind and caring to me...you don't find that often, and I especially havent found that often in women. Nick reminded me I use to be alot of fun, which made me think I should do that more. Jules should know that talking to her brought back of flood of things, good and bad, that helped make all this change.
I really think sometimes we take for granted and overlook important people and things in our lives. Just because they aren't around with bells on, cheering and give you like this deep, enlightening advice, doesnt mean they arent helping and supporting you. Its up to you to figure out the small things they do that make a huge difference.
Me being all better and all myself again isnt like, completely done yet. There are always good days and bad days; but atleast the fog seems to be lifting. Maybe I really am not as weak as I thought.
The only two things I have going on now are i need a new job and maybe I am not as deep as I use to be? Do you really think that over time, we get so cluttered with stress and so..numb..to the way life and society is that we lose important things like our convictions and ability to speak to people on a higher level. Honestly, that is something I want to work on. Maybe this whole feeling dumb thing and keeping conversations and thoughts even to myself so light is just my way of avoiding something. Maybe its a fear to open up to people and the world. Or maybe..just maybe...I was never deep at all and its the lack of me not using drugs anymore lolz. We will see.
Am I deep?
Current mood: bouncy
Well, for the most part, life seems to be taking a turn for the better. I badly needed this to happen. After some soul searching, many long nights of crying and being crazy, and just feeling plain old sick and tired of being sick and tired...I feel whole again.
Honestly though, it was alot of hard work, and I didnt do it alone. Seriously, maybe its the small, little things that matter so much. I could never tell Clane how important it is that he kept loving me, even though I was going through a time when I wasn't the person he married at all. I hope Demetri knows, that despite where our friendship started, it means the world to me that I could call him at 2 am, wake him up, cry and not be able to say what I needed to say; and have him know exactly what I was saying and talking about and comforting me. I am very sure Dave doesn't realise that by being himself, he reminded me that its OKAY to do nerdy things and act and feel natural. Z...oh god..what could I say about Z, I don't even know her as well as I like, but its like...she was immediately so kind and caring to me...you don't find that often, and I especially havent found that often in women. Nick reminded me I use to be alot of fun, which made me think I should do that more. Jules should know that talking to her brought back of flood of things, good and bad, that helped make all this change.
I really think sometimes we take for granted and overlook important people and things in our lives. Just because they aren't around with bells on, cheering and give you like this deep, enlightening advice, doesnt mean they arent helping and supporting you. Its up to you to figure out the small things they do that make a huge difference.
Me being all better and all myself again isnt like, completely done yet. There are always good days and bad days; but atleast the fog seems to be lifting. Maybe I really am not as weak as I thought.
The only two things I have going on now are i need a new job and maybe I am not as deep as I use to be? Do you really think that over time, we get so cluttered with stress and so..numb..to the way life and society is that we lose important things like our convictions and ability to speak to people on a higher level. Honestly, that is something I want to work on. Maybe this whole feeling dumb thing and keeping conversations and thoughts even to myself so light is just my way of avoiding something. Maybe its a fear to open up to people and the world. Or maybe..just maybe...I was never deep at all and its the lack of me not using drugs anymore lolz. We will see.
Old Myspace Post.
Monday, June 26, 2006 3:08 AM
Bleh
Well "it" is all finally said and done. I feel amazingly well afterwards, physically and emotionally. Both better than before I had it taken care of.
Sometimes I do really stupid things. I say things I do not mean, and it makes me very dumb. I'm sorry.
1 Comments
Knightmares
im my experiance saying something you dont mean comes from several places frustration, stress, anger, intoxication, and saying does NOT make you dumb,. and doing something stupid is ok as long as non get hurt and your not hurting your self,. but at the same time sometimes theres usally a deeper dark part of your subconcious that feels it needs to be blurted out or done,why IDK if you do id like some enlightement to it .its all in how you handel it afterwords
Bleh
Well "it" is all finally said and done. I feel amazingly well afterwards, physically and emotionally. Both better than before I had it taken care of.
Sometimes I do really stupid things. I say things I do not mean, and it makes me very dumb. I'm sorry.
1 Comments
Knightmares
im my experiance saying something you dont mean comes from several places frustration, stress, anger, intoxication, and saying does NOT make you dumb,. and doing something stupid is ok as long as non get hurt and your not hurting your self,. but at the same time sometimes theres usally a deeper dark part of your subconcious that feels it needs to be blurted out or done,why IDK if you do id like some enlightement to it .its all in how you handel it afterwords
Old Myspace Post.
Thursday, June 22, 2006 2:37 PM
My new song kicks my ass, and oh...fuck you =)
Current mood: geeky
Well, hrm. I am not sure where all this new...I do not even have a word for it...maybe energy?...is coming from. Its like the night after I posted my blog entry, Something just...snapped...but in a good way...like snapped into place.
I suppose I figured out I can either have things going the way they are going, and let it drive me crazy and drag me down OR ..I can stop being a pushover and find myself again. I suppose I woke and just ...well I do not know exactly.
I just know that if you expect me to lie down and take it from here on out, you've another thing coming. Its like suddenly my mind and my feelings had someone hit the rewind button on them.
Instead of being sad or upset, I am just angry. Not the omg I hate everything going to hit someone angry, but like the Omg I am DONE with this shit angry. The good angry. The kind of anger you get when you realise everything will always be an uphill battle, and you can either slip to the bottom or be fed up enough to fight your way to the top. I'm 100n this fight now. I was when I was younger, and I am not sure what happens as we get older...its almost as if life was about to break me. Well ya know what, Fuck you =)
I have made alot of choices thus far in 23 years. They have not always been the best, but they were MINE to make. No matter what I did or did not do when given these choices, I will remain happy with them. I will not spend the rest of my life replaying every moment figuring out if I did the right thing. I do not have time for that, so Fuck you =)
I have had alot of fucked up things happen to me. There is no denying that whatsoever. Unfortunately, most everyone has gone through that. However, I refuse to let it adversely affect me any longer. Pain, sorrow, and fear are not things I have room for in my baggage. Sorry, all this bullshit has to go. Its weighing me down and drowning me. If you expected me to hold on to it for the rest of my life, Fuck you and you carry it for me =)
I will no longer let you walk all over me. The days of Shannon being submissive are coming to an end.It is OKAY for me to be confident. I will no longer down play my intelligence, opinions, or strengths because I am scared it will intimidate you. If you can't handle it, if you arent man or woman enough to appreciate these things about me instead of be afraid of me...I.do.not.care. That stems from your lack of self worth, not mine. It is now your problem, Fuck you =)
It's alright that I am complex, and It's fine that there are 100 different sides to me. I am more than willing to introduce you to all of them. I am happy with all of the different things that make me...me. This is all there is and all you get, take it or leave it. ...oh...and Fuck you =)
________________________________________________________
In other news. the song on my profile makes me smile and cry at the same time. I know that some people will think its the most cheesey thing ever (please read above to see how much I care what you might think =P), but it really means alot to me. It helped define things when I was younger that would all to soon become some of the most important things/events in my life. It is so bitter sweet....because now those things are long past.
I have to find the courage to call Erin today. I am super nervous. I am not sure what to say to her after all of this time, but there is no better time than now, right? I know it sounds crazy, and maybe a little..gay.. but we were so close for so long. It's like, without her, I feel like something major is missing. I always felt like a part of her family, and it always felt like we were sisters that somehow had different parents. Seriously, imagine calling an ex that you were 100n love with and then just stopped speaking to...thats about what I feel like trying to use the phone. Erin was a huge part of my life, and no matter what happens today when I call, she always will be and I will always appreciate her.
I think I so feel a really sappy entry coming later. >.<
My new song kicks my ass, and oh...fuck you =)
Current mood: geeky
Well, hrm. I am not sure where all this new...I do not even have a word for it...maybe energy?...is coming from. Its like the night after I posted my blog entry, Something just...snapped...but in a good way...like snapped into place.
I suppose I figured out I can either have things going the way they are going, and let it drive me crazy and drag me down OR ..I can stop being a pushover and find myself again. I suppose I woke and just ...well I do not know exactly.
I just know that if you expect me to lie down and take it from here on out, you've another thing coming. Its like suddenly my mind and my feelings had someone hit the rewind button on them.
Instead of being sad or upset, I am just angry. Not the omg I hate everything going to hit someone angry, but like the Omg I am DONE with this shit angry. The good angry. The kind of anger you get when you realise everything will always be an uphill battle, and you can either slip to the bottom or be fed up enough to fight your way to the top. I'm 100n this fight now. I was when I was younger, and I am not sure what happens as we get older...its almost as if life was about to break me. Well ya know what, Fuck you =)
I have made alot of choices thus far in 23 years. They have not always been the best, but they were MINE to make. No matter what I did or did not do when given these choices, I will remain happy with them. I will not spend the rest of my life replaying every moment figuring out if I did the right thing. I do not have time for that, so Fuck you =)
I have had alot of fucked up things happen to me. There is no denying that whatsoever. Unfortunately, most everyone has gone through that. However, I refuse to let it adversely affect me any longer. Pain, sorrow, and fear are not things I have room for in my baggage. Sorry, all this bullshit has to go. Its weighing me down and drowning me. If you expected me to hold on to it for the rest of my life, Fuck you and you carry it for me =)
I will no longer let you walk all over me. The days of Shannon being submissive are coming to an end.It is OKAY for me to be confident. I will no longer down play my intelligence, opinions, or strengths because I am scared it will intimidate you. If you can't handle it, if you arent man or woman enough to appreciate these things about me instead of be afraid of me...I.do.not.care. That stems from your lack of self worth, not mine. It is now your problem, Fuck you =)
It's alright that I am complex, and It's fine that there are 100 different sides to me. I am more than willing to introduce you to all of them. I am happy with all of the different things that make me...me. This is all there is and all you get, take it or leave it. ...oh...and Fuck you =)
________________________________________________________
In other news. the song on my profile makes me smile and cry at the same time. I know that some people will think its the most cheesey thing ever (please read above to see how much I care what you might think =P), but it really means alot to me. It helped define things when I was younger that would all to soon become some of the most important things/events in my life. It is so bitter sweet....because now those things are long past.
I have to find the courage to call Erin today. I am super nervous. I am not sure what to say to her after all of this time, but there is no better time than now, right? I know it sounds crazy, and maybe a little..gay.. but we were so close for so long. It's like, without her, I feel like something major is missing. I always felt like a part of her family, and it always felt like we were sisters that somehow had different parents. Seriously, imagine calling an ex that you were 100n love with and then just stopped speaking to...thats about what I feel like trying to use the phone. Erin was a huge part of my life, and no matter what happens today when I call, she always will be and I will always appreciate her.
I think I so feel a really sappy entry coming later. >.<
Old Myspace Post.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006 1:39 AM
Can you see a flash light with almost dead batteries in the fog?
Current mood: accomplished
I suppose I have had a relatively good time as of late. It really is like, a daily battle to figure out which Shannon you are going to get today. I have been winning more often than not these past few days, so I suppose thats a good thing. I really dislike depressed, moody, crazy Shannon. It can be super hard to repress somedays though.
Sometimes I think I am not religious enough or something. Maybe I am just not motivated enough to find some kind of enlightenment. No idea. I don't remember being this person that I am. It is definitely someone I have become. I am pretty sure I dislike it. At some point I stopped caring, and its not the good kind. I feel trapped behind this massive fortress or something I have built. I just cannot get over it. My doctor thought I should be "put on something". I seriously do not want to medicate myself to overcome this though. Sure it would be an easy fix, and I suppose now its socially acceptable to be on happy pills. I just wasn't always like this...so there has to be a way to change it without such things.
Bleh. I don't know. I feel like my life is one huge mess. And I seriously do not want to be one of those " oh woe is me, I am so traumatized from my life, I need someone to fix me" girls. I am TERRIFIED that I am like that. The thought of being that way..it just disgust me. I am much stronger a woman than that, and use to take pride in being that way; I have just been weak lately. Disgustingly weak. And...its going to stop....now.
Can you see a flash light with almost dead batteries in the fog?
Current mood: accomplished
I suppose I have had a relatively good time as of late. It really is like, a daily battle to figure out which Shannon you are going to get today. I have been winning more often than not these past few days, so I suppose thats a good thing. I really dislike depressed, moody, crazy Shannon. It can be super hard to repress somedays though.
Sometimes I think I am not religious enough or something. Maybe I am just not motivated enough to find some kind of enlightenment. No idea. I don't remember being this person that I am. It is definitely someone I have become. I am pretty sure I dislike it. At some point I stopped caring, and its not the good kind. I feel trapped behind this massive fortress or something I have built. I just cannot get over it. My doctor thought I should be "put on something". I seriously do not want to medicate myself to overcome this though. Sure it would be an easy fix, and I suppose now its socially acceptable to be on happy pills. I just wasn't always like this...so there has to be a way to change it without such things.
Bleh. I don't know. I feel like my life is one huge mess. And I seriously do not want to be one of those " oh woe is me, I am so traumatized from my life, I need someone to fix me" girls. I am TERRIFIED that I am like that. The thought of being that way..it just disgust me. I am much stronger a woman than that, and use to take pride in being that way; I have just been weak lately. Disgustingly weak. And...its going to stop....now.
Old Myspace Post
Friday, June 16, 2006 3:26 AM
Well Well Well
Current mood: cheerful
I dont have all too much to say really.
Things have been going alright I suppose. Clane and I had a huge fight, and maybe it was a long time coming. After all thats said and done, things seem better. Our friends come over every Sunday, which is nice I guess. Im cooking dinner this weekend for everyone. I wish Z would come, so there would be another girl (one that I would actually like) around. I need a new job...badly....I think I am being way too picky. Its just, I REALLY do not want another crappy job, its just no fun. My friend's phone bill is all crazy, and I feel way super guilty about it. I wish I was not so broke or I would handle it, but alas, my whole abortion situation and my job ending how it did unexpectedly has kinda thrown off my fundage =( I havent been playing EQ very much, and I have seriously considered selling my account since except for a few hours of boredom a day, life is pretty good without it lol. Clane says im not allowed to though hehe. oh well..thats really it for me I guess. I got to talk to julie for awhile the other day, my phone went dead, still need to call her back, but was nice to talk to her. i have been relatively in good spirits and calm lately, soo....lets just hope its not a calm before the storm
Well Well Well
Current mood: cheerful
I dont have all too much to say really.
Things have been going alright I suppose. Clane and I had a huge fight, and maybe it was a long time coming. After all thats said and done, things seem better. Our friends come over every Sunday, which is nice I guess. Im cooking dinner this weekend for everyone. I wish Z would come, so there would be another girl (one that I would actually like) around. I need a new job...badly....I think I am being way too picky. Its just, I REALLY do not want another crappy job, its just no fun. My friend's phone bill is all crazy, and I feel way super guilty about it. I wish I was not so broke or I would handle it, but alas, my whole abortion situation and my job ending how it did unexpectedly has kinda thrown off my fundage =( I havent been playing EQ very much, and I have seriously considered selling my account since except for a few hours of boredom a day, life is pretty good without it lol. Clane says im not allowed to though hehe. oh well..thats really it for me I guess. I got to talk to julie for awhile the other day, my phone went dead, still need to call her back, but was nice to talk to her. i have been relatively in good spirits and calm lately, soo....lets just hope its not a calm before the storm
Old Myspace Post.
Friday, May 26, 2006 2:05 AM
Relax
Current mood: indescribable
Alright, well. First things...I'm feeling alot better than I have in a long time. I am not really sure why exactly. Maybe I was just feeling very high strung lately or something, but it seems to be passing for the moment once again.
Everything is so weird sometimes...my emotions just alwas ebb and flow..one emotion quickly being replaced by another. Sometimes I wonder if its just me, or is this a normal thing? I try to be very calculated and controlled, but sometimes I think its not working. Right now, I feel good.....very very weird...but good; so I am just gonna try to ride this feeling as long as possible.
There are no real highlights as of late, I left my job eventually. I am okay with that, since I am starting soon at a new one that pays much better and doesnt cause me to lie and feel dirty all the time. A man got shot outside my house at the beginning of the month. I think I have finally convinced myself that it couldve happened anywhere, not just here. I had lots of fun this weekend going out with new friends. We went to Casey Jones and I got smashed along with everyone else. I also got in a bit of trouble, but I would rather not mention that ever >.< Thanks for understanding Dave =D.
I miss my old friends. I find myself thinking about Cam and Gui and Danielle and Doug alot sometimes, but at the same time...I suppose those bridges are burned in some fashion and can never be replaced...Eh, I tried, maybe I couldve tried harder, who knows.
I realise I'm just rambling, but I am pretty confident that its because I always have these things...sometimes random things and sometimes important things...that I just want to tell somebody, ANYBODY, like somedays, even just scream them to everyone...but I feel like I cant. Like, if anyone knows, I wont be the same person that I am to them. Every single person that I can think of to say these things to....I am almost confident that atleast one of my many unvoiced thoughts would shatter whatever they think of me. Thats not to say I am a horrible person... or that I pretend to be someone I am not....Its just like...oddly enough....you think you know, but you have know idea...lol. I never give ALL of myself up, I never have; and I am not sure I ever could. I just want to let go....
There is also this crazy thing going on...damn its crazy, and I fucking love it, and I shouldnt.
Relax
Current mood: indescribable
Alright, well. First things...I'm feeling alot better than I have in a long time. I am not really sure why exactly. Maybe I was just feeling very high strung lately or something, but it seems to be passing for the moment once again.
Everything is so weird sometimes...my emotions just alwas ebb and flow..one emotion quickly being replaced by another. Sometimes I wonder if its just me, or is this a normal thing? I try to be very calculated and controlled, but sometimes I think its not working. Right now, I feel good.....very very weird...but good; so I am just gonna try to ride this feeling as long as possible.
There are no real highlights as of late, I left my job eventually. I am okay with that, since I am starting soon at a new one that pays much better and doesnt cause me to lie and feel dirty all the time. A man got shot outside my house at the beginning of the month. I think I have finally convinced myself that it couldve happened anywhere, not just here. I had lots of fun this weekend going out with new friends. We went to Casey Jones and I got smashed along with everyone else. I also got in a bit of trouble, but I would rather not mention that ever >.< Thanks for understanding Dave =D.
I miss my old friends. I find myself thinking about Cam and Gui and Danielle and Doug alot sometimes, but at the same time...I suppose those bridges are burned in some fashion and can never be replaced...Eh, I tried, maybe I couldve tried harder, who knows.
I realise I'm just rambling, but I am pretty confident that its because I always have these things...sometimes random things and sometimes important things...that I just want to tell somebody, ANYBODY, like somedays, even just scream them to everyone...but I feel like I cant. Like, if anyone knows, I wont be the same person that I am to them. Every single person that I can think of to say these things to....I am almost confident that atleast one of my many unvoiced thoughts would shatter whatever they think of me. Thats not to say I am a horrible person... or that I pretend to be someone I am not....Its just like...oddly enough....you think you know, but you have know idea...lol. I never give ALL of myself up, I never have; and I am not sure I ever could. I just want to let go....
There is also this crazy thing going on...damn its crazy, and I fucking love it, and I shouldnt.
Old Myspace Post.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006 3:43 PM
Tough
Current mood: melancholy
This week, I have just made one of the hardest choices I believe a woman can make. In all honesty, my life will probably never be the same; but hopefully I am good at pretending everything is okay. It has seemed to work in the past. The whole ordeal is very hard to think about right now, but I am sure it will pass.I just hope I am doing the "right" thing. I know there is never anyway to tell until its over, whether you ultimately made the right choice or not; but there really should be some kinda instructions to this life thing.
I would also like to say I am sorry.
I'm sorry that you will never have a face.
I'm sorry you will never have a name.
I'm so sorry you will never have me teach you to walk, or talk, or ride a bike.
I'm so so sorry I am so weak, and feel like I have no other choice but to do this to you.
I am beyond sorry that I am not as strong as Julie or Robyn or Geramie.
I'm sorry you will never read this.
I pray that you somehow know that I'm sorry and that if I could've...I would've, and that "mommy" loved you.
2 Comments
Christina Bargel
=( I'm sorry babe... Try to keep your chin up, and soon enough, the perfect moment that you want to happen to you eventually will. =) Just so you know, you have all of my support and love
Jenna Whitman
I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now, it's very tough. All my love to you.
Tough
Current mood: melancholy
This week, I have just made one of the hardest choices I believe a woman can make. In all honesty, my life will probably never be the same; but hopefully I am good at pretending everything is okay. It has seemed to work in the past. The whole ordeal is very hard to think about right now, but I am sure it will pass.I just hope I am doing the "right" thing. I know there is never anyway to tell until its over, whether you ultimately made the right choice or not; but there really should be some kinda instructions to this life thing.
I would also like to say I am sorry.
I'm sorry that you will never have a face.
I'm sorry you will never have a name.
I'm so sorry you will never have me teach you to walk, or talk, or ride a bike.
I'm so so sorry I am so weak, and feel like I have no other choice but to do this to you.
I am beyond sorry that I am not as strong as Julie or Robyn or Geramie.
I'm sorry you will never read this.
I pray that you somehow know that I'm sorry and that if I could've...I would've, and that "mommy" loved you.
2 Comments
Christina Bargel
=( I'm sorry babe... Try to keep your chin up, and soon enough, the perfect moment that you want to happen to you eventually will. =) Just so you know, you have all of my support and love
Jenna Whitman
I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now, it's very tough. All my love to you.
Old Myspace Post.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006 1:18 AM
I thought i knew, but i had no idea.(drama)
Current mood: jealous
I am so confused. Things are hectic and hazy. Quite a few events to catch up on I suppose. I am not really sure where to start or what I want to say. I feel like I should post all the things that have been going on, but right now there is just this one thing on my mind. I can't even say it. Speaking it would be admittance, and I am just not ready for that, even though I know its true. Maybe I just dont want certain people to find out. I am sure they already know though. Its all just soooo blah. I think I just really need to vent, but this isnt something i can just vent to anyone. Even if i could let it out to someone, I wouldnt know how to say it. I am not being honest, I know exactly who I want to say everything to, and I just cant. Its all this huge thing ...of...uggh...there are so many words i could describe it with, and I cant even bring myself to say those.
1 Comment
Zoe
you know if you ever need me, i'm here....i'm not as close as i once was, and i'm sure there are many things in the past few years that we haven't shared, but i still love you, dear....and i'll listen anytime you need it
I thought i knew, but i had no idea.(drama)
Current mood: jealous
I am so confused. Things are hectic and hazy. Quite a few events to catch up on I suppose. I am not really sure where to start or what I want to say. I feel like I should post all the things that have been going on, but right now there is just this one thing on my mind. I can't even say it. Speaking it would be admittance, and I am just not ready for that, even though I know its true. Maybe I just dont want certain people to find out. I am sure they already know though. Its all just soooo blah. I think I just really need to vent, but this isnt something i can just vent to anyone. Even if i could let it out to someone, I wouldnt know how to say it. I am not being honest, I know exactly who I want to say everything to, and I just cant. Its all this huge thing ...of...uggh...there are so many words i could describe it with, and I cant even bring myself to say those.
1 Comment
Zoe
you know if you ever need me, i'm here....i'm not as close as i once was, and i'm sure there are many things in the past few years that we haven't shared, but i still love you, dear....and i'll listen anytime you need it
Old Myspace Post.
Thursday, April 20, 2006 10:57 AM
I'm sorry, this is my two weeks notice. you give me bad karma.
Current mood: annoyed
I had quite possibly the worst day at work ever yesterday. I'm so glad im off today. It was total drama. I so need to find a new job. I hate sales, like, Im just not that kinda person. I am GOOD at sells, but the fact is, my concious wont let me "close" the way i know i should for people to buy if i can tell they dont have the money. I dont like it done to me, why would i do it to someone else? Sure, puppies are cute, and some of them are worth more than the 1500$ we ask for most, but the fact is, i just CANT watch people who obviously cant afford it take out a loan for this or break the bank getting it because they fell in love. Its just not my style. The only good thing about my job is carrie, M., micah, vanessa, and the puppies and sometimes Josh. I have worked there two and a half months and I have only had a TOTAL of like 16k in sales. I can think of lots of times I just let people walk away, even though they trusted me and I couldve pushed and got the sale. Its because when the people I sold dogs to DO come back, they are happy and not miserable or broke, and I like that idea. The lady I sold a beagle to came back happy as could be, we chatted and she still thought i was her "friend". Which is fine by me, but even though my sales are lower, I havent been called on the phone at work and screamed at about what a bitch I am or had people have buyers remorse and want to bring the dog back and have to deal with that (happens more than ya think). So, I guess since I cant take advantage of people, this is just not the job for me. I am gonna be fired soon anyway because my sales are so low, I think. I work hard, I do alot around that place, my section is the best one there and it looks gorgeous and people spend more time in it than others, so im alright at merchandising. I do my part of taking care of puppies etc. I just dont abuse and use people, and evidently that was the hidden part of the job requirement. =( Capitalism is the devil.
1 Comment
Jenna Whitman
I can TOTALLY relate to this.
I sold timeshare for a while....and while fundamentally I think timeshare is a good thing...the sales approach was manipulative and somewhat shady....I'd find myself sitting in deeding and instead of feeling happy about the $1500 in commission I'd be getting, I'd feel like I just manipulated these folks...I am good at sales....but I hated having to try to make someone buy something that didn't want, need, or could afford just to make a buck.
I hope you find a job where you can let your talents shine and at the end of the day, you don't feel bad. =)
Oh, and I <3 Puppies!
"Coming of age during the plague of Reagan and Bush, watching capitalism gun down democracy, it had this funny effect on me, I guess" --Ani Difranco.
I'm sorry, this is my two weeks notice. you give me bad karma.
Current mood: annoyed
I had quite possibly the worst day at work ever yesterday. I'm so glad im off today. It was total drama. I so need to find a new job. I hate sales, like, Im just not that kinda person. I am GOOD at sells, but the fact is, my concious wont let me "close" the way i know i should for people to buy if i can tell they dont have the money. I dont like it done to me, why would i do it to someone else? Sure, puppies are cute, and some of them are worth more than the 1500$ we ask for most, but the fact is, i just CANT watch people who obviously cant afford it take out a loan for this or break the bank getting it because they fell in love. Its just not my style. The only good thing about my job is carrie, M., micah, vanessa, and the puppies and sometimes Josh. I have worked there two and a half months and I have only had a TOTAL of like 16k in sales. I can think of lots of times I just let people walk away, even though they trusted me and I couldve pushed and got the sale. Its because when the people I sold dogs to DO come back, they are happy and not miserable or broke, and I like that idea. The lady I sold a beagle to came back happy as could be, we chatted and she still thought i was her "friend". Which is fine by me, but even though my sales are lower, I havent been called on the phone at work and screamed at about what a bitch I am or had people have buyers remorse and want to bring the dog back and have to deal with that (happens more than ya think). So, I guess since I cant take advantage of people, this is just not the job for me. I am gonna be fired soon anyway because my sales are so low, I think. I work hard, I do alot around that place, my section is the best one there and it looks gorgeous and people spend more time in it than others, so im alright at merchandising. I do my part of taking care of puppies etc. I just dont abuse and use people, and evidently that was the hidden part of the job requirement. =( Capitalism is the devil.
1 Comment
Jenna Whitman
I can TOTALLY relate to this.
I sold timeshare for a while....and while fundamentally I think timeshare is a good thing...the sales approach was manipulative and somewhat shady....I'd find myself sitting in deeding and instead of feeling happy about the $1500 in commission I'd be getting, I'd feel like I just manipulated these folks...I am good at sales....but I hated having to try to make someone buy something that didn't want, need, or could afford just to make a buck.
I hope you find a job where you can let your talents shine and at the end of the day, you don't feel bad. =)
Oh, and I <3 Puppies!
"Coming of age during the plague of Reagan and Bush, watching capitalism gun down democracy, it had this funny effect on me, I guess" --Ani Difranco.
Old Myspace Post.
Sorry to add randomly to your blog and it being so far back, but i was just scanning alumni from my school. Anyway...Christmas is NOT Jesus' birthday guys, come on now. Do we really know the date and time Jesus was born? No, I think not; but if you actually READ the Bible and not just what people tell you is in there, then you would know its obvious He wasn't born in winter. If you paid attention in history class, you would also know that Christmas is a Pagan holiday. Actually, MANY of our religious holidays (including Easter) are based on pagan holidays. The Roman Church did this because if they couldnt ban pagans from celebrating (they tried, it failed.) then they would literally "take over" their holidays, making it a Christian one. In the process we picked up some of their "rituals" such as Santa Clause and hiding Easter Eggs and etc. The Church randomly assigned certain important religious events to pagan holidays.It would've been clever except now you have a ton of christians blindly doing "rituals" of a religion they openly say is wrong and will send you to hell..
I wonder why if you are Christian, you need a holiday to define when you can be thankful, when you can give, when you can love, when you can celebrate in the name of the Lord. Shouldnt ALL YOU CHRISTIANS be doing this everyday?
I wonder why if you are Christian, you need a holiday to define when you can be thankful, when you can give, when you can love, when you can celebrate in the name of the Lord. Shouldnt ALL YOU CHRISTIANS be doing this everyday?
Old Myspace Post.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 10:44 AM
 | Current mood:  bored For Fuck Sake. I don't even know whats going on anymore. Seriously, gah. I so definitely have to get my head straight. I have all these, for lack of a better word, emotions that I shouldn't have about things. I think it literally makes me crazy. You know who you are and you know what this is about and i know you dont care !!!!! =)
Alright, I had to get that out. Now for something completely different. . . I suppose I am kinda glad I was brow beaten into getting myspace. I found alot of old friends, its good to see what they are getting into now. I feel soooooo old. bleh. I am off to work I suppose. I seriously am hating on my job, the only thing good about work is the fact that my favorite sexy ninja that works in the back listens to my bitching if i need to and I get to play with puppies. >.< |
Old Myspace Post.
Friday, April 07, 2006 7:22 AM
| Current mood:  hopeful Okay. So I totally called off work today. Well, I'm not confident I have yet, since my boss doesn't get there until 8 a.m., but I called and left a message. So unless she throws some huge fucking bitch fit at me, which she shouldn't since its not her style and everyone but me and M. have called in the last few weeks, I am hoping she will just get over it. Lets not even mention the fact that I have been working on my days off for those that have called in to work. I bet NONE of them remember that when they get a call from Jane at 8 a.m. needing someone to work. Either way...at this point, I do not give a fuck. I don't feel so grand (truth) and I'm tired (dead truth) and I deserve an extra day to just chill (semi- truth since its kinda self absorbed of me to say I "deserve" something). I think perhaps me having a blog again will help. At the very least, when I'm bored, I can come here and not type poor Demetri's ear off with my rambling (as you can see I gave a great example just a moments ago of how well I ramble). So, my plans for today would be to find a new job, play some Everquest (ya, total nerdom I know), try not to throw up, and just relax and sleep. I know, I plan big =D. So yea . . . I have just been thinking sooo much lately, I feel like I just have this swarm in my head that makes no sense. Gui and I said we would sit down and plan to do something. I really wonder if we will this time. I can sometimes be the worlds biggest flake ever, so I hope I don't flake out this time if we ever end up making plans, because that would mean I suck. Its not that I don't WANT to see my friends. Its just, this last year, I needed Shannon time. It was time for me to sit down and just completely think over my whole existance evidently. Not something I necessarily chose to do, it just kinda happened, and now I am dealing with the reprecussions. Its like, having to met my friends all over again, but I am geniunely making an effort. Hence the myspace in the first place I guess. Oh well...I'm done for now. 1 Comments |
| | Scrimble Shanks  |
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Old Myspace Post.
Thursday, April 06, 2006 2:32 AM
| Current mood:  curious So, I totally went adventuring on myspace to like, figure it out some more. I was trying to figure out how to give my page a song. Well that didnt happen, however, I ended up surfing the list of people that went to the two different highschools I went to. I was SHOCKED that I even found people I knew. Then I just started thinking and feeling ~OLD~ as hell !!! It seems like so long ago, I checked out some of their pics and some of those guys hardly resemble the people I knew back in the day. It gave me a longing to be 16 again. You know, when everything was in the end of the world and you lived for the weekend and the moment. Back then, there was nothing but today; and the future was so far away you didnt need plans for it. God what happened....Somedays I just wake up and realise how quickly everything has flown by me. Some of those guys STILL live in our small, quiet little town. I wonder how they are doing and why they stay. I wonder what would it be like had i stayed. The world is full of What Ifs I suppose. No tears and no regrets. Damn.... |
Old Myspace Post.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006 2:23 PM
| Current mood:  bouncy So yea...I'm making this crazy attempt to be semi social today. Clane's friend David is coming over and we are going to watch narnia and talk about running a paper/pencil game. I am off work for two days, so might as well do something. God forbide I stay away from Evercrack for more than 12 hours >.<...I still cant find megan on this damn thing to see her ninja photos *sigh* I should really learn how to work the intronet. |
Old Myspace Post.
| Current mood:  amused I am totally still trying to figure this thing out, so bare with me. I got sooo tired of everyone asking me " you have myspace?" so i was like, fuck it, i will go get a myspace. Here I am, with nothing to say and fretting over how cute i can make this thing look. Cameron, this mostly for you my fabulous sista !! I miss you and want to keep in touch =( |
Intro
Just a short intro to explain.
This is my old myspace blog. I will be moving it here to keep track of it. It is forever old.
I welcome any new comments or opinions.
I will be adding more to it when I am not feeling of writing of Everquest or poetry. I suppose you'd say this is my "life" blog.
This is my old myspace blog. I will be moving it here to keep track of it. It is forever old.
I welcome any new comments or opinions.
I will be adding more to it when I am not feeling of writing of Everquest or poetry. I suppose you'd say this is my "life" blog.
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