Old Myspace Post.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006 1:39 PM

Am I deep?
Current mood: bouncy
Well, for the most part, life seems to be taking a turn for the better. I badly needed this to happen. After some soul searching, many long nights of crying and being crazy, and just feeling plain old sick and tired of being sick and tired...I feel whole again.

Honestly though, it was alot of hard work, and I didnt do it alone. Seriously, maybe its the small, little things that matter so much. I could never tell Clane how important it is that he kept loving me, even though I was going through a time when I wasn't the person he married at all. I hope Demetri knows, that despite where our friendship started, it means the world to me that I could call him at 2 am, wake him up, cry and not be able to say what I needed to say; and have him know exactly what I was saying and talking about and comforting me. I am very sure Dave doesn't realise that by being himself, he reminded me that its OKAY to do nerdy things and act and feel natural. Z...oh god..what could I say about Z, I don't even know her as well as I like, but its like...she was immediately so kind and caring to me...you don't find that often, and I especially havent found that often in women. Nick reminded me I use to be alot of fun, which made me think I should do that more. Jules should know that talking to her brought back of flood of things, good and bad, that helped make all this change.

I really think sometimes we take for granted and overlook important people and things in our lives. Just because they aren't around with bells on, cheering and give you like this deep, enlightening advice, doesnt mean they arent helping and supporting you. Its up to you to figure out the small things they do that make a huge difference.

Me being all better and all myself again isnt like, completely done yet. There are always good days and bad days; but atleast the fog seems to be lifting. Maybe I really am not as weak as I thought.

The only two things I have going on now are i need a new job and maybe I am not as deep as I use to be? Do you really think that over time, we get so cluttered with stress and so..numb..to the way life and society is that we lose important things like our convictions and ability to speak to people on a higher level. Honestly, that is something I want to work on. Maybe this whole feeling dumb thing and keeping conversations and thoughts even to myself so light is just my way of avoiding something. Maybe its a fear to open up to people and the world. Or maybe..just maybe...I was never deep at all and its the lack of me not using drugs anymore lolz. We will see.