Old Myspace Post.

Monday, July 17, 2006 10:48 AM

A few...
Current mood: dirty
It's Five a.m.
My brain just will not shut off.
I keep trying.
I stare into nothing, attempting not to think.
The red numbers pierce my eeys and drill into my thoughts.
For some reason, as my eyes were finding some deep, meaningful connection with the alarm clcok, I begin to sing inside my head
All my mind could conjure at first was the line "Seeing red again".
Within seconds, I thought of you.
It's so ridiculous how that works.
Thinking of nothing, and ending with thinking of you.
I consistently wonder if I am the only one that has similiar paths of thought.
Alright, well fine...
What I want to say is - Sometimes I wonder if you do the same thing.
I would never tell you.
I think that way when I can't sleep at night.

I hate being afraid.
Is it wrong that I'm scared at five a.m. , and I want nothing but someone to tell me I am okay?
By someone, you know I mean you.
I wish the clutter that is my head right now would disintegrate.
I long to see things clearly, as they are meant to be seen.
The sun is beginning to bleed through the windows, however it doesnt shed any light on the situation.
Perhaps Jaded isnt so bad.
I'm not a fan o delusions.
That by no means says I don't have the common human nature to set things aside.
I should stop, but I just can't.
I shouldn't, but I do.
I'm only human.
__________________________________________________

It's a familiar sound.
I annoy myself when my ears perk like an abased puppy when I hear it.
You know I adore it.
It never occured to me this would happen.
Who does this?
I smile.
There is that noise again.
I'm frustrated when I eagerly look at the screen.
Slightly embarassed at the realization there are ten numbers in this world, arranged in the order of perfection, that excite me.
You know I love it.
You know far too much.
I have grown to cherish stroking your ego.
Maybe Jon is right, Bad medicine might be just what I need.
_________________________________________________________

I lie here on the floor.
Rotating between staring at the floor and staring at the ceiling.
I shiver, hearing the air conditioning click on.
The Carpet is icy already.
It's caress is rough, scratchy against my chilled skin.
My eyes shutter close.
The breath I deeply inhale smells of nothing, other than itchy carpet.
I momentarily realise where I'd rather be.

The entire planet spins on its axis of insanity.
My finger nails dig desperately into the carpet until I can convince myself its not the world I'm trying to grasp.
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never meet the expectations set before me.
My insecurities eat me alive, tear at me, ravage me.
I stumble off my pedestal once again.
I lie here on the floor.
Afraid, vulnerable, insecure, broken, restless, trembling, broken, empty , loathing, apathetic, scared, mangled, stubborn, tears streaming.
I'm confident this isn't what you signed up for.
Unfortunately, this is all I have got.
Relax and give me awhile.
_________________________________________________________

Hmmm, You're funny.
Thanks.
Wanna have random sexual conversation?
Always.
(insert flirtation)
Heya.
(flirt)
(tease)
(lie)
Innocent, or so thought to be.
Emotionless, or so hope to be.
I don't know you.
I'm your whore.
I wish I was your doll.
I shouldn't, that's stupid.
I don't do this all the time, swear.
Doesn't mean much, I know.
Don't sleep with me.
Just fuck me.
I like you like I shouldn't.