The New Ms. Manners...

As most everyone (or anyone who has spent approximately ten minutes with me) knows there is an increasingly long list of things that annoy me. I suppose one could call me high strung. However, seeing as how high strung may be too high brow of a phrase for most of the people that populate the earth, it would seem this day in age I am called a "hater". I'm perfectly willing to accept this term describing me, but I would not call it completely accurate. I do not hate people, and I do not hate the genuine efforts of people. I also understand that everyone makes mistakes. While I must admit that I do enjoy pointing out these mistakes, I do not hold said mistakes against anyone, especially long term. I am sorry if any of the following offends you or applies to you. I do still love you despite the fact that if you are guilty of three or more of the following social retardations then I probably think you are a douche bag.

1. The inability to say "excuse me".

To witness this little gem of rudeness one needs only to ponder something in a busy grocery aisle for more than a nano second. I'm not incredibly sure what drives a person to believe that it is some how less rude (or takes less energy for that matter) to huff, puff, foot tap, groan, and inevitably squeeze past aisle traffic with something that can be deemed only slightly less than a push or shove than to simply say "Excuse me" in a decent tone. I was not aware that one's canned peas were of the utmost importance. The next time someone plans to do this to me I'd suggest they call the President on the red phone because anything short of a nuke or military presence isn't going to make me give up my line backer stance as I investigate the price of my peaches per ounce when they start sighing behind me.

2. The inability to say "sorry".

Now, I am not speaking of those deep, heartfelt apologies between families and friends. Even the largest of douche-bags can muster up some semblance of decency whether genuine or faked when the situation is deemed important enough to them. I am referring to when one encounters others on the streets and finds oneself guilty of FDBB (Felony Douche Bag Behaviour). Now, as I said, mistakes happen. For one to be guilty of FDBB it is not the action but rather the reaction to an accident or incident involving the general public. In example, if one bumps into another due to texting or talking on a cellphone they are innocent until proven guilty. What proves them guilty? Not having the common courtesy to say "Oops, my bad. I'm so sorry". Bonus material: It is not acceptable to fall victim to one's minuscule attention span, cause an accidental disturbance with someone of the general public, and, as the offending party, scowl at the person that must have intentionally jumped in front of you.

3. The inability to hold the door open for someone entering closely behind another.

Does this even need elaboration? It is just a nice thing to do. At society's current point, I think one gets 10x bonus karma for doing and 100 dick-head points for not doing it. My new plan for the upcoming months is to wait for someone to let a door almost give me a Heidi Montag makeover before following them around the store, waiting until they are prepared to exit, quickly exit first, and then hold the door closed until they figure out the error of their ways. Hey, it isn't more rude then not holding it open for .5 seconds longer upon entering.

4. Not responding to an invitation, especially one requesting an rsvp.

For the record, RSVP means "Please Reply". It doesn't not mean only reply if one is coming or only reply if one is not coming. "Regrets Only" is reserved for events in which they assume one is coming unless one states otherwise. RSVP means tell the host either yes or no...and no maybes. Can you think of anything more rude than someone not wanting to come to my party, charity event, dinner, poker game, birthday, or game night?!!!! If you said "yes" you are right...if by "yes" you meant "Yes! Not politely and gracefully declining your invitation, Shannon!". If one doesn't want to come to an event, it isn't rude to politely decline. It is rude to say nothing at all. It is just that simple. Just because it is a piece of paper, text message, or facebook invitation doesn't mean one is allowed to ignore it. It is essentially no different than me standing in front of the offending party and asking "Would you like to come to such and such event?" and them giving me the silent treatment, or worse, saying "OMG LOL Did U C this Vid on Utube".

5. Not helping with the dishes after a group meal of any kind.

I completely have a double standard on this matter, and I absolutely do not care what anyone thinks about that fact. If one has a vagina then one should at least offer to help with dishes and meal clean up. I realize this is no longer than 1950's, but for fucks sake doesn't a woman learn anything from her mother anymore? One doesn't actually have to DO anything other than make the offer. Typically the host will not allow a guest to do dishes and clean unless they are close friends or family, but one is still a douche-bag for not offering. I can realistically with no exaggeration name only three women in Arizona that I can say follow this rule of etiquette. For the record, women wanted equality in the workplace and in the home not in douchebaggery.

6. Not teaching children manners.

It is bad enough the world is populated with douchebags, but now they are teaching this behavior to their children. Really? REALLY? One should remember that children use to be seen not heard. Now everyone wants children to have their own little voices. I'm not against this at all. I completely support it if, and only if, the parent can first teach the little chatter box to say "yes ma'am", "no ma'am", "yes sir", "no sir", "please", "thank you", "excuse me", and "sorry". If the child (or parent) can't exhibit these basic manners, then it (or its parent) should shut the hell up.

7. Not bringing a beer or bottle to BYOB.

Pretty basic stuff here. Sometimes I can afford for people to come over and drink all of my beer with me. Sometimes I can't afford for people to come over and drink all of my beer with me. If I have opened my home to the public and politely requested that the public bring their own beverage, it is one of those times when my house is willing to have the public despite the fact that my pocketbook can't afford the public's beer habits. I expect the public to either bring beverages or stay out of my house. I didn't want to pay for the public's beer, and I said so upfront. As a side note, one gets double douchebag points for bringing a six pack of PBR in cans, placing it in the cooler, and removing one of my bottles of Miller or Peroni when one wants a beer.

8. The general attitude of "me first", also known as being completely inconsiderate.

Was it really necessary to almost kill us both so that one of us (not me) could make it to the red light 5 seconds before the other? Also, would one mind not passing me at high speeds only to slam on one's brakes in front of me when the traffic slows us both down. I won't start ranting about road incidents or explaining my road rage. We would be here all day, and I couldn't possibly shove how I feel about it into a little paragraph such as this. It was just an example of how egocentric others can be. Another example would be not letting the person with one item go first in a grocery line when one has a cart full. Would it really kill one to wait an extra 30 seconds to check out so that the person who only needs a can of cat food doesn't have to be punished for making a bad line choice (not that one has much of a choice since there are always 30 registers and 1 cashier in the grocery store). Yet another grocery store example, One needs to have their damn coupons, discount cards, debit cards, or, God forbid, check ready. I don't mind that one uses all these things. Hell, I use them. I also approach the counter with all my coupons, discount cards, and debit card in hand. I had ample time to find these things because my three items and I had to stand behind the person who bought everything on isle 10, but was too focused on how the world revolves around them to allow me to make a quick purchase. As I said, I only ask that one be prepared to make their purchase instead of making me wait because one was too busy looking at the tabloids to dig out their payment options. On a quick side note: Get a fucking debit card. The kitten and Disney checks are real damn cute, but I assure everyone - that bit of plastic is less headache and not the devil's device to implant the mark of the beast upon us. Slide the thing and lets keep it movin', people.

9. Not watching children in public or someone's home.

We had a visitor with a child once. The child pulled a decorative weapon off the wall above the fireplace. It managed to avoid breaking his face, but our Chinese vase sitting beside the fireplace was not so lucky. The mother giggled. Was she fucking kidding me? Her child almost knocked himself out with a weapon and destroyed my property. How in God's name is this humorous? Would one want me to laugh if he had broken his nose if it had fallen on his face instead? Teach children to keep their hands to themselves. I did not have a child so I would not have need of child proofing my home. I am damn sure not going to do it for someone else's child. Watch the little human.Now, I wish I didn't have to say this; but of course I do. Parents do realize there are predators that want to snatch up their precious, little, snot-nosed balls of cuteness and frustration and do horrible things to them, right? So why the hell is one of the little ones running around outside a laundry mat unattended at 10pm? Yea, beats the hell out of me also. Oh, and yes I did tell it to stop using that pay phone as a toy. You are welcome because God knows what is on the thing the kid just had in its hands and mouth. I am the bad guy of course for instructing a child belonging not to me how to behave well. I'm such a villain, wanting children to not get hurt and spread communicable diseases all over themselves. I'm sure that guy outside in the van offering it candy is much more of a good samaritan. Lets face it. If one gets mad because someone tells one's child it is doing something wrong it is quite simply because one just made an epic fail as a parent and is embarrassed. Instead, let's try incorporating some manners addressed in the next paragraph.

10. The inability to say "Thank you".

This one is easy. Assuming someone does anything remotely nice to you, say THANK YOU. I realize not many people deserve it or earn it since they are far too busy pushing past someone, slamming a door in their face, not doing the dishes, not watching their children, not teaching their children manners, not answering an rsvp, not apologizing for minor indiscretions, not being considerate, and drinking someone else's beer. However, in the instance someone has good manners, a nice personality, or a helpful nature, one should always reward their good behavior with at least a thank you.

I wouldn't even call this the tip of the ice cube of annoyances. However, it is a nice start, don't you think?

The Woes of Decisions

I have decided I have no clue what to do with the rest of my life. I suppose I always thought I'd just figure it out. As if I'd have some sort of epiphany one day, and my life would be set on its proper course. In 26 years, this has yet to happen. There are various reasons as to why this possibly has not happened for me up until now, but the major one I believe is that this doesn't happen to anyone.

Oh sure, some people graduate and head straight for some life course. I'm not knocking them - in fact, good for you guys, but what about those of us that choose not to do what our parents told us must be done? It isn't a rebellious thing that we don't immediately continue our education or drive the course preplanned for us by our loved ones. I suppose I just thought there was something better for me, but I neglected that fact that I had no idea how to get it.

I feel as though there are some major flaws and setbacks in the idea of picking a life for myself. I don't want someone telling me what to do with the rest of my life or how I should go about figuring out what to do with it. Now, this statement certainly does sound like rebellion I must admit; however, it has very little to do with rebellion and everything to do with negative pressure. It makes me feel very criticized and lowly when others assume they know what is best for me.

I grew up quickly and roughly in "the school of hard knocks" that most others haven't quite experienced. For the most part, I have done the best I could on my own (that isn't to say I hadn't had help, but for the most part I've taken care of myself ever since I was a young teenager). By the time I was 17, I had traversed life experiences that most only expect an adult of almost mid-life to have dealt with and received such veteran knowledge of. By the time I was 23, I had experienced things that surpass mid-life for the majority. I think the biggest disservice of the whole ordeal is that it has made me long to stay young. My attitude and personality absolutely refuse to grow older as the rest of me seems to be doing with no regard to the fact that I keep telling it to stop.

Ultimately, I have some huge life choices to make; and I have no idea where to begin.
It would seem that everything that makes me happy won't make me very much money, if any at all. Everything I could do well that would make money probably will not make me happy. I can't seem to find the sweet spot of the Venn Diagram of life. Maybe there isn't one.

I know several things that I can do quite well that would make a decent living, but at what cost? I sometimes don't like the person I am, or become, when I do these things.
I know several things that I'd love to do that are creative and risky, but what about money?
I sometimes don't have enough confidence in these areas, and therefore find it hard to believe I could make a living doing them.

Responsible, safe, and comfortable.
Happy, unstable, and poor.
Which path to wander?

Children...or the lack therof....

I am 27 years old. I have found that I have beat my biological clock into submission, at least temporarily. When I was 18, I became pregnant and moved to Arizona with my then boyfriend (now husband of 6 years). I was dead set on having this baby and starting a family with him. After much turmoil, it all ended in a miscarriage. A few years later when I was 22, I found myself pregnant again. This time I made the choice to terminate because of the circumstances occurring in my life. Now, as I said, I'm 27 and have found that I am in no hurry to bring children into a world of conflict filled with troubles, disease, and poverty. I'm also too selfish at this point in life, and I am just enjoying the thought of experiencing a hundred different things with my husband before devoting our lives to a young child. I've also decided that I'd really love to adopt and/or foster many children once we have settled down and have the means. I suppose I needed to explain that before I make the following comments. Perhaps it will help others visualize where I am coming from when I say..........Using children to get ahead in life, in any way whatsoever, is BULLSHIT! (Thanks Penn & Teller ... by the way Mr. Penn and Mr. Teller...you should consider this for an episode.)

It has become apparent to me in life that I am denied many simple rights, and luxuries, in life because I have decided to put off having children. Now, I mean no disrespect to mothers or fathers. They definitely do have one of the hardest jobs known to man. However, I don't think that something that is so basic and primal and necessary in life - like procreation - should come with so many social and financial perks. Shouldn't people be having children because they desire them, can afford them, are responsible, and prepared to devote all of themselves to nurture these small beings? It has become obvious to me that this isn't necessarily the case. I'd like to cite some examples:

1. In Arizona, if your household income is the same as mine you are not impoverished - despite the fact that you can't afford anything. If you make almost one thousand dollars more per month than myself and have a child, then you are extensively impoverished.
2. In Arizona, if you are pregnant or have a child and are impoverished by definition of the state, you easily receive state benefits such as food stamps, cash assistance, health care, and WIC.
Despite being poor and unemployed, I am not available for any of these benefits unless I bring a child into an already poor household.
3. In Arizona, if you wreck your car and smell of beer and cry to the cop about being a single mother, you get a 75 dollar speeding ticket. Despite also crying and explaining why this could ruin my life, when I was pulled over for a minor traffic violation involving the registration sticker when the officer smelled alcohol I was given a felony dui despite not blowing twice the legal limit.
4. Anywhere in the USA, once you reach the age that all of your friends have children, whether they were ready for them or not, you will be asked at least once a week by someone when you are going to have children. The women with children are praised for the cutesy, inane things their children do.
5. In Arizona, you get the good spot on the bus. People without small children are asked to stand when seats run low.
6. When I go out and party have fun with my friends, I am not growing up fast enough, not setting my priorities straight, or not preparing for my future. When a mother goes out for cocktails with her girlfriends, she deserves a day away from the kids.

I am sure there are a million others, but I am getting to heated about the whole ordeal to continue. Basically, what is so special about having a child that makes you far superior to everyday folk? You deserve respect and have a hard job. You aren't a god damn rock star. I could squeeze a life form out of my vagina without thinking about the consequences as well, it doesn't make me special - it just means I have female anatomy.

I feel like there is some prejudice against women who want to enjoy being women (girls?) for a while longer.

I will leave you with some things Patton Oswalt said (paraphrased of course):

"All of my friends are either having babies or getting sober. They are equally annoying....."

"What about people like me that have learned to control their drinking and aren't polluting the planet with kids? Don't I get something?"

" All these people are like 'I decided to get sober', and everyone is like 'hey, let's give you a parade'. These other people are like 'I decided to squirt out a baby', everyone is like 'hey, let's burn your name on the surface of the Moon'. I learned how to stop at two scotches and I don't have any miniature versions of myself ruining the planet and everyone is like 'eh, whatever'. WHAT, WHAT, I'm ten times better than both those guys."

Definition....

So, I have been thinking about the word define lately.
Webster says define is a verb that does the following things: to state or set forth the meaning of, to explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of, to fix or lay down definitely; specify distinctly, to determine or fix the boundaries or extent of, to make clear the outline or form of. Now, after that brief English lesson, I will talk about what really has been on my mind.

I was thinking of all things that can and "do" define us. Personality traits, actions, speech, words, patriotism, heritage, religion, appearance, social standing, abnormalities, idiosyncrasies, career, family, and many other things, or the lack thereof, are all used to define people as who they are or will become or will never be. However, does it really mean anything at all? I have become to believe that it truly does not. I would like to think I have never defined someone on these particular things and let it shape how I feel about them. I cannot confidently say that I have not, but I do try to remain as nonjudgmental as possible. Alas, I am only human as they say and full of err.

With all this consideration of definitions, I began to think about the things I have done in my lifetime which probably have given people no true perspective as to who I feel that I am or how people see me today. I mean, to be fair, I once told an ex-boyfriend that if he didn't listen to me and we weren't getting back together I was going to throw myself from an overpass. I don't think many people today would ever envision me saying or doing such a thing, and, for honesty's sake, even at that time I had no intention of actually removing myself from this earth via my face meeting the freeway or any other alternate form of self eradication. I did however feel desperate, and desperate times, as they say, are full of desperate measures.

For the record, I don't condone self harm to make others see your point. I'd like to say especially because it does not work. The guy only thinks I am a whack job that he is better off without, or I feel confident he feels that way, at least. To continue on the crazy train, I also, technically, tried to run my best friend over with a vehicle. I wasn't actually going to hurt her, but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. Luckily, she forgave me after some time; and most people have forgotten the incident. I don't think this makes me a dangerous person or even violent person. I don't condone trying to run people over or harming your friends.

I also stole bread, ham, and cheese from a convenience store chain once. I needed to eat, and we were poor. I don't think this makes me a thief, and I don't support stealing. I know thou shalt not steal, but thou didn't really have any options. I'd like to think I am forgiven for that considering all the charitable donations I have made since then, and the prayers that have followed.

I once drank too much, and entirely too often. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous for almost a year. I stayed sober for 8 of those months. I don't think this makes me a drunk or wino or alcoholic. I think it means I am person who has many problems and an addictive nature. I don't condone drinking or other substance abuse as a way to escape life and your problems.

I am guilty of letting my hair and dress code be my main priority while also having a tank top addiction. I don't think this makes me vain, or just the fat girl trying to expose her better qualities. I think it shows a woman who needed to feel safe and comfortable and pretty.

I have a huge long list of confessions, but the point I suppose I am trying to accomplish is that certain circumstances make people act unlike themselves. Lots of factors can be involved, but does this really constitute me being the "crazy", or the "bitch", or the "law breaker", or the "alchy" or the "fat girl with cute hair". I think not. And if I think this for myself, then I have to apply it to others. Everyone deserves multiple chances I suppose. I mean, people can and do often change. Not only do they change, but sometimes they were there all along hidden by bad reactions to bad circumstances. I think mankind needs to be a little more patient with its fellow humans.

All of this leads into thinking about how people go out of their way to NOT be defined as something. For example, punk or alternative people who go to the extreme to not conform. Well, despite the fact that they all just conformed to non-conformity, should not something be said about the fact that they typically have a distaste for people who feel defined by their polo shirts and dress pants? Don't they engulf themselves in definition by going out of their way to not be defined as something else. What about the anti-girl or anti-boy? People needing so badly not to be judged purely on the definition of their gender. However, when they go to the extreme to express their inner identification, don't they just absorb into everything they didn't want in the first place?

I guess what I am trying to say with this is that when we work so terribly hard, as a lot of us do, to not be judged by this or that we typically only give in to the very thing we fear - definition or incorrect definition.

I think as long as you are comfortable with what and who you are that we shouldn't get so caught up on what other people say or do to define us. Don't let their comments or judgments hinder us. Also, we shouldn't be so afraid or self righteous to not try new or different things from our own personal norms just because they may re-define who we are or are not. Be open to new things, new experiences, new styles, new music, new ideals, and new...well, stuff!

There are so many dimensions to us as people. So very many. You can't get all caught up in just one of them because it is safe or because you are afraid. You are who you are. And you do change. For better and for worse. I think people who focus to hard on definitions or lack of definitions are doing themselves a huge disservice.

I think I will let Tyler Durden sum this up for me:
You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis.
The things you own end up owning you.
It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

Resident Evil 5 and Islam Girls

So, this week has been pretty unproductive thus far.
We did have a great Lost finale party, but I will discuss that in a later post.
I'd like to cover two things in this hopefully short but sweet post.
Resident Evil 5 and Islam girls in the grocery store.

Numero Uno - Resident Fucking Evil 5!
More to the point, RE5 and how it bowed to me and Clane. Wesker never even saw this duo coming. I have been playing Chris Redfield the entire game, and I must say...I make Chris look great. I let the husband have Sheva. At least he had some boobies to look at while we decimated the las plagas and saved the world from Wesker's Uroboros. I must say, unlocking Warrior and Heavy Metal Chris made me need to excuse myself for a few moments. I am eager to take my chain gun and wear my Warrior outfit and go Mad Max on some mutant zombie people. The husband of course placed Sheva in her almight Fairy Tale costume. It is pretty much the hottest outfit in the game, and I am finding it hard not to up skirt her all the time. I can't wait to finishing unlocking our favorite weapons unlimited ammunition! The only downside was the moment it became apparent Jill Valentine was "alive" somewhere was the moment I told Clane she was the masked bad ass we kept seeing in shadowy flashes. He refused to admit anything, but that only convinced me I just ruined part of the storyline for myself early in the game.


Numero Dos - Islam Girls in the Grocery store
I saw the most beautiful pair of women last night in the grocery. It was an Islamic woman and her daughter. The older woman was dressed very traditionally while carrying her Nine West wallet and produce. The younger girl had on a gorgeous head wrap, but underneath she wore a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops. She couldn't have been more than fourteen or fifteen. Her feet shuffled and tapped to Billy Joel on the overhead audio system inside the store. It was quite possibly one of the most adorable and uplifting experiences I have had in a while. Seeing someone holding on to and passing along their culture while embracing certain American traits was awesome. It gives me hope that everyone can exist peacefully.

Hypochondria

I has it. Not only do I have it, but it has been acting up pretty bad lately.
I realize, like most everyone on the planet, I need to take much better care of my body. It has been thoroughly abused the last 27 years, and needs some tender, love, and care.

With that said, the things going through my mind are crazy. I am pretty sure I am going to give myself some sort of disease just by worrying about it. Everyone tells me it is okay, but to someone like me it just seems like they are afraid to admit the truth. In my mind, 99% of people are afraid to admit that something horrible can happen to themselves or the loved ones. I am the 1%.

This last few weeks it has been liver failure or cirrhosis. I've had this red spot on my lower abdomen / stomach for a while now. I go back and forth thinking it is no big deal. I don't go to the doctor for fear it is something terminal or that I will need surgery or risky drugs. Instead, I stare at WebMD and worry about it. Well, the skin at the red spot seemed to have a different texture than the rest of my skin and was not soft. So, I began to put lotion on it. That seemed to help at first. Now tonight I am sitting here on the couch on my laptop, and it is itching like crazy. Not only is it itching, but it is spreading. Now there is the major red spot, but around it are these splotchy, itching red spots. They look pretty terrible, and have me worried.

I am going to quit drinking, eat right, and stop smoking. I can't take this anymore. God help me.

Midnight Release - Red Dead Redemption

So, Monday night, after Steve's pre-Birthday outing to watch the Phoenix Suns get owned by the Lakers, I decided to surprise Clane by picking up the new game Red Dead Redemption at the Midnight release at Gamestop. I must say it was quite the experience.

I arrived at 11:49, and parked. There was already a line out the door waiting, and there were people in their cars playing music. You could tell the "cool" gamers because they were blasting Disturbed and Jay-Z while the guys who had earned their true Nerd titles were playing techno remixes of their favorite video game themes. I approached the line cautiously, and I felt I was definitely invading in on some secret Gentleman's Club. I stood behind some kids, one wearing a "Seniors 2010" shirt, and decided I would not feel old and ridiculous. Instead, I would attempt to feel like a nice aged wine or cheese. I would be a gamer with experience and refinement.

I looked ahead in line, eavesdropping on conversations. I found a girl with her boyfriend, looking clearly uninterested in the happenings of the night. There was a girl behind me, and I still haven't decided if she was there for herself. A guy had dropped her off at the end of the line, and then pulled away. He didn't wait for her, but I assume he did come back to retrieve her. So I am left to wonder if she is the gamer or if he had something more important to do and left his girlfriend to pick up his game. Regardless, THREE women standing in line at the game store surrounded by approximately 50 men and boys of all ages. It was a sad day for girl gamers across the world in my opinion. We had zero representation.

I also was able to find a group of guys that ONLY know each other from Midnight releases of various games. They met during the Halo 2 release, and see each other at every major title that followed it. It was strange, but somewhat adorable. I heard a few other guys who had only been up since 6p.m. because they had stayed up until 8a.m. playing Call of Duty. Eventually the kids in front of me asked me what game I was there for; I think I did win some points by saying it was Red Dead Redemption instead of the latest Harry Potter Lego game. Allin all, it was a cute and interesting situation. I feel like I got an inside view of the life of obsessive and younger gamers.

A Ho Hum day like all these days...

Things have been busy, yet unproductive. I feel like I have been doing a great many things, and I have completely accomplished none. We did get a new puppy, at least for now. His name is Shogun and he is a brindle American Bull Terrier. He is incredibly smart and very loving and sweet. He is also this HUGE ball of energy that goes 190 to nothing while playing and has a nasty habit of biting too hard. We definitely love him, and I pray we are up to the challenge of controlling him and making him a very happy, productive adult dog.

I am sounding just as bad as those family blogs I find myself complaining of more often than not. I suppose I should move on to other things....oh WAIT, that's right. I am being completely dull currently.

Highlights of my week:
Taking both dogs to the vet.
Cleaning.
Using super glue on antiques from my grandmother's estate so I can pretend they are a whole.
Inevitably super gluing my middle finger to my pointer finger on my left hand for upwards of ten minutes before being brave enough to pull them apart.
Playing Resident Evil 5.
Playing Trash Panic.
Playing Treasure Isle.
Drinking too much at poker on Tuesday, and hopelessly losing at it all night.
Admiring the china cabinet that was previously owned by Katherine but now looks beautiful in my living area.
Beginning to watch through "The Office" for the first time, ever - watching the pilot as I write this blog.
Watching "Blade Runner" for the first time, ever. It is amazing.

So yea, I am totally exciting and living the life right now. So you can see why I have been blogging so much.


Lastly, I would like to say that "Blade Runner" is far superior to most other sci-fi that we were mercilessly subject to around that time frame, and some before it and after it. It is quite seamless actually. Loved it.

** BE SURE TO CLICK MY HIGHLY AWESOME AND CLEVER LINKS D-BAGS! <3 <3 **
P.S. If you right click it and open in a new tab, you won't miss a beat of my great blogging skillz while clicking the links.

Kick-Ass in several ways...

So, a few kick ass things I have done this week...

1. I cleaned up my house quite a bit, which I love.
2. I went to see "Kick-Ass" on Wednesday night.
3. I got to spend my friend Gillian's 21st Birthday with her and her sister.
4. I played Resident Evil 5 for approximately four hours today.

#1 - No real explanation needed I believe. I got my bathroom totally scrubbed. Clutter and trash picked up everywhere. All I really need to do is the typically dusting and mopping.

#2 - I will whole heartily vouch for this movie. I just saw on a new trailer where it was named "Number One movie in America". I can testify that the title is completely deserved. The first few trailers really told you nothing about what the film truly entailed, which I find only adds to the film's awesome and awe quality. I really don't want to include any spoilers, but I will say expect the unexpected. The young actors do a beautiful job, and Nick Cage hasn't performed this great in years.
I am really pushing for the sequel they could have set themselves up to have in a short while.

#3 - Hooray! Gillian is fully legal! Clane and I met Gillian, her sister Nikki, and Nikki's husband Drew over on their more western side of town. At first we met them at a place called FuNuGuyz (fuh-new-guiz). Evidently this is some military slang that translates to "Fucking New Guys". **Please see below for more information.**
We finished the night out at a small bar called "Neighbors". The bartender was a wonderfully aged woman who was so sweet and kind. It wasn't crowded and we were all able to kick back, have a few drinks, laugh, and get to know each other. I left feeling as though it were one of the best chill nights I had the chance to experience in quite some time.

***Regardless, the night did not begin without problems. I am almost 27 years old and Clane is already 27. I lost my license a few months ago at some random bar, and Clane hasn't replaced his since he was 20. I have a Identification Card that I got when I was 19. Both forms of our I.D. are completely legal and vertical as opposed to the horizontal forms the state of Arizona switched to awhile ago. We can buy tobacco, buy pornography, open bank accounts, purchase glue and spray paint, and up until we encountered FuNuGuyz we could purchase alcohol with our vertical forms of identification. Not only were we denied service, but we were asked to leave. The manager who I requested to speak to explained it was an Arizona Liquor Board law that the owner insisted they follow. Regardless, I will never be returning, and that is too bad for FuNuGuyz since I'm irish, young, and spend far too much money on alcohol each time I decide to drink. We did not let this display of ignorance ruin our good time though, and while my ego was hurt, we moved on.

#4 - It would seem despite my fear that I am quite good at killing zombies. Well at least las plagas infected people, dogs, and chickens. I had a great deal of fun spending time with Clano and relaxing on the couch while learning the game. I used the type b controller option on the ps3 which helped me out a great deal. It doesn't hold me responsible to make all the camera changes for angles as the other types do. Type B mostly forces the camera to follow my movement, but allowing me to shift my view quickly with the right joystick. I do have one comical story involving my game time today....
I was doing slightly above average for a first timer of Resident Evil. Therefore, I was beginning to feel like "Billy Badass" as my mom would always say. I ran ahead, leading the way down some sewers. As I rounded a corner in the tunnel, I was met by a pack of rabid, zombie dogs that immediately lunged at my face. At this point, several things happened simultaneously in the game and in real life on my couch. First, I slammed my thumb into the left arrow on the D-pad to switch from my machine gun to my shotgun which I remembered being instructed to do when attacked by snarling, gooey, zombie dogs which catapulted my brain into phase two of my subconscious plan. I screamed aloud in such a shrill, girlish fashion that it caused Clane to jump back a little. Phase three in my split second course of action was to cover my face with my controller while continuing to whimper as I made Chris Redfield turn and run away like the little bitch I am.....Eventually I gathered myself together and blasted them in the face with my shotty. After the incident, we had to pause so I could tinkle....Fun Times..

Stealing from Mona =D

50 Qs

1. Where were you three hours ago?
waking up on the couch

2. Who are you in love with?
Clane

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
I am sure I tried it at the very least once

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
yes, a beer cozy that says "Real women drink beer"

5. When was the last time you went to the mall?
wow, not sure, i typically avoid it like the plague. maybe a couple of weeks ago

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
no. i go barefoot any chance i get

7. Do you have a car worth over $2000?
why, yes i do. thanks mom!

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
Last weekend. well technically i rode out of town....

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Yes. a group of us went to see kick ass on Wednesday. it was amazing.

10. Are you hot?
i try to remain as cold as possible

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
i am drinking le Red Bull

12. What are you wearing right now?
my fav vintage skull t-shirt and some non-matching plaid p.j. pants.

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
neither ...haha...i let it happen le naturale by the rain

14. Last food you ate?
slim jim

15. Where were you last week at this time?
somewhere between phoenix and san bernadino

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
no, i am being responsible!

17. When was the last time you ran?
actually, i do remember running recently, but i assure you it was for a good reason

18. What was the last sporting event you watched?
umm... i think football during football season

19. Your favorite animal?
predatory cats

20. Your dream vacation?
greece or ireland

21. Last person’s house you were in?
other than my own, i guess kat's

22. Worst injury you ever had?
umm...i broke a toe once and i also have gravel in my knee from a bad bike wreck

23. Have you been in love?
well of course

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
i have a long list of people i miss

25. Last play you saw?
wicked, like a year ago lol

26. What is your secret weapon to lure the opposite sex?
bahahahaha wish i had one

27. What are your plans for tonight?
i think i just made plans to go to dinner at kat's and clean

28. Who is the last person to send you a Facebook message or comment?
my mother in law

29. Next trip you are going to take?
unsure at this time, but i'm hoping to go back to Vegas

30. Ever go to camp?
when i was younger i went to camp for like four summers in a row

31. Were you an honor student in school?
always

32. What do you want to know about the future?
nothing

33. Are you wearing perfume or cologne?
nopezors

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor’s visit?
yar

35. Where is your best friend?
at their house or work

36. How is your best friend?
great

37. Do you have a tan?
no, mine just washed itself off last night

38. What are you listening to right now?
the tv

39. Do you collect anything?
random keepsakes from events, always complete junk or scraps

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
kat or mona depending on if it is celebrity gossip or real gossip, but i am no angel either

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
october, i hate cops

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
ummm yea

43. What does your last text message say?
"That's fucking hot"

44. Do you like hot sauce?
i don't dislike hot sauce, i just don't go out of my way to enjoy it

45. Last time you took a shower?
last night

46. Do you need to do laundry?
fuck yes, i always need to do laundry. it is really out of control

47. What is your heritage?
irish / cajun french / southern

48. Are you someone’s best friend?
i'd like to think so...

49. Are you rich?
not yet..

50. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
hanging out at "neighbors" with Gillian, her sister Nikki, and Nikki's husband Drew, and Clane in celebration of Gillian's 21st Birthday!

Family Blogs

Alright, so I guess I have a minor bitch I need to get off my chest. I suppose a great deal of people will say I am jealous of people's families as well as other speculations about my character when I express the following opinion....

Family blogs are very lame and played out. No one really cares about "Aidan's" Easter Egg hunting experience or how many teeth "Isabella" has lost. I am not claiming I have something all important or righteous to speak about on my blog. I only mean to point out that if I wanted to be the most boring and uninteresting person in the world I'd pop out a few dozen kids so that I could constantly assault the internet with my cute family stories - you know the ones that you should be telling your own families, not anonymous people on the internet. Now you may be tempted to trick your mind and heart into believing that they blog and post these things for their extended or even immediate family that may not be local to the blogging family's current home. Don't be ignorant, back in the 1990s there was this amazing thing that became viral among computer users; it was called electronic mail. It allows people to no longer waste trees, glue, and the postal service's time delivering those annual family newsletters, but instead use clever clip art and photo shop to make the most annoying display of family vanity possible that can be delivered instantly to all other family members.

I just really feel that those things should be saved for the people who may actually care and are actually somewhat involved in your picture perfect families. I suppose I just want something original. A few quirky and interesting family blogs gained some popularity (mostly due to well educated and well versed parents who needed an outlet from their daily lives),and for whatever reason, now ever soap opera loving house mom on the planet thinks most of us actually give a shit about what she is doing to help potty train her two year old. F.Y.I. they make forums for that. Forums that require someone to join to share this boring information with each other rather than bombard the whole internet blogging scene with this drivel.

So, in closing, I am asking the internets to send me something a bit more exciting and original than Dick and Jane Doe's Family Lifestyle.

Up until now...

Many events have come gone. I have once again neglected to post my pictures on facebook in a timely manner.

Clane's Birthday party was amazing. We made a D20 cake and I really feel like a great many old connections were reestablished as well as new ones formed.

Clane and I celebrated our 6th year anniversary in March as well. We celebrated with all of our friends and family at the Renaissance Festival before coming back for Clane's birthday party.

We made Mona an Arabic dinner before heading out to Harem, a local hookah bar. For most of us it was our first experience and a great one.

Katherine's bachelorette party was purely awesome and genius on my part. Everyone seemed to have an awesome time, and I have the pictures to prove it.

Katherine is finally officially married off. The Fantastic Four (Chase, Mona, Clane, and I) made the trip out to San Bernadino, CA to be in attendance. It truly was a beautiful ceremony and a great deal of fun.


I am sure I have forgotten some great times I have had over the last few weeks, but at least I can say I have done my obligatory catch up post. Thanks!

Breaking up is hard to do.

Katherine,

I really think this letter only proves that you do not know me at all. It is a sad and horrible thing for me to say, but I really fear it is true. You can't possibly know what I am truly thinking, unless ofcourse, I tell you. I do things for others because it makes me happy to see others happy. I do these "amazing" things for people because either I care about them or it is the right thing to do based on my relationship (or sometimes even my friend's relationship) with the people I do things for. Humans are innately selfish creatures. Part of life is over coming that selfishness to do things in the world that make an impact, even a small one, on others. So yes, when any deed I have done fails to make an impact, there is some selfishness there in the fact that it upsets me that said deed made no change in a person or relationship.

You say several times we can't be the friends we use to be. That is true, mainly because when you describe me, you are describing someone that hasn't existed in a very long time. You say you want us to grow and change together, but the real problem is that you have changed for the worse. You aren't empowered, but have resorted to being the center of the universe, which I know from experience is easier than actually changing or empowering yourself. I'm not perfect, no one is; but to say that I am still selfish and a bully and that I insist on always being right is unfair and somewhat of a falsehood. Everyone will make mistakes and slips, but I have made a great deal of changes in the correct direction.The difference between my argument and yours is that I have acknowledged the things that you do not just the things I see you not do. I still do not always pick and chose my battles as wisely as I should, but I am taking steps to work on that.

In the mean time, while you are the greatest friend I have had in my life, you have added some very tough stipulations to your friendship and love. Recently, unless things go your way (the only way as far as you are concerned), then they cease to go at all. In Wickenburg, YOU decided you wanted to start anew in this what is now become a disaster of a friendship. I allowed that to happen with no argument or negative mindset about the outcome. The slate was clean, completely. You came down to my house once, I came to yours once, and we went out to a family dinner with me picking you up one way and kevin the other. All of that is amazingly great, and I was very pleased to see both of us making efforts.

You would be correct in saying I do have some expectations of my friends and relationships, all of us do. My expectations have become less distorted (or so I thought before this weekend). I do not expect anything elaborate or great of anyone, but I do - as most people do - expect my friends to be there when it is truly important or I am in true need of assistance. You cannot be angry at me for your actions marring our clean slate.

Quite simply, I reached out for help in a very stressful time and grasped at air where as my friend your hand should have been. I was upset and disappointed and even became angry when you refused to acknowledge that you let me down. However, the moment you said you were sorry I immediately let it go because in my mind that is what friends do when other friends accidentally hurt them. I suppose I didn't realize that at the time, the apology was only to shut me up since you didn't actually believe you had done anything to hurt me.

Saturday after you guys arrived at the festival, I treated you no differently than I normally would. Things seemed to be going fine, and I felt everyone had some fun. Saturday evening, the last time I spoke to you, you guys were going to sit around and relax for a few more moments before heading toward the party. I assumed this meant you would arrive in the next two to three hours giving plenty of time for whatever it is you felt you wanted to do before attending Clane's party. I never heard from you again. You didn't even call to say you can't make it. Even people who I don't know or barely know or rarely hang out with that had legitimate reasons for not attending managed a phone call.

Mona and I both talked openly with you and in front of you about how we feel about our friends dropping the ball on other friends important days. I even told you I was infuriated to hear that no one told you Happy Birthday. I was also heartless towards Amanda for not realizing that some things are not about her. That she shouldn't call you a friend and then let you down during an important and exciting time in your life. You don't get a free pass just because you feel like a part of my family. You let Clane down as well as our other friends and myself, and I'm truly am sorry if I wasn't gentle enough in telling you because my intention yesterday was not to be cruel to you. I did genuinely try to be calm and logical.

I am genuinely afraid that the new Katherine is someone only Kevin can love, and if you begin treating him the way you do everyone else even he may have a hard time. As for your friends and family in California, I honestly don't think they know the real you anymore. They still know the Kat we all fell in love with. I don't tell you these things to hurt you or oppress you. I say them because I'm worried. I know from experience you have set your self up to travel a very lonely road.

You insist on having these misconceptions about me and how I act and react. I really do believe holding on so tightly to these old conceptions of my character and how I previously acted enables you to treat me badly with no regret. In your mind, I truly believe you think I deserve this treatment, and if I deserve this treatment as punishment or penance for past regressions then you have done nothing wrong by treating me this way.

I have attempted to be supportive in all of your recent endeavors, and I wasn't always exceptional at it. In the end, I feel satisfied with how I handled things and I am sorry if you didn't and didn't tell me. I am confused about the etiquette in this current situation though. Do I suck it up and ask to go through the wedding as normal? Do I ask to be repaid for the money spent on something I am not going to be a part of? Do I resign from the wedding or wait for you to kick me out? Do I still through a party I invited everyone to? Do I really let you allow this all to go to hell right before your wedding so you can be the victim and never see how you wronged others? I really don't know what the polite thing to do in this situation is, honestly.

I will say that you do not get to be the martyr or the victim. That number two thing was always a joke, never serious. You are not oppressed by me, and I shouldn't be blamed for you needing to feel that way to justify how you treat me and people you associate with me. If you were your own person you wouldn't cling so tightly to the only person in Arizona who you haven't hurt, manipulated, or abused with your selfish behavior. If you are truly this empowered and breaking free from oppression, then I wish you well and hope you can stand on your own two feet because it is all you will have left in the end. There will always be a new tyrant to oppress you, and now that everyone else is gone I am scared you will turn Kevin into your new excuse for bad behavior, and well, he doesn't deserve that because he is really trying.

Lastly, one day, you will see the folly in what you thought; and you will realize the way you treated me, Dave, and everyone else here in Phoenix is unacceptable. You will see your selfishness, cruel actions, and shameful statements, and you will feel regret. Once you are buried under your own mountain of humiliation and regret and loneliness you will understand true oppression and the only dictator left standing over you will be you.

Good luck Katherine. You were the sister I always wanted, unfortunately I guess you were the younger, selfish sister I needed so that I could overcome my own stupidity to rise above such behavior. I love you and wish you best. Please do respond about how to handle this wedding debacle.

Love,
Shannon

Clane and Chase are away so Kat, Shannon, and Mona will play!

So, Clane and Chase are at the Game Developers Conference in San Francisco, CA this week and weekend! Very excited for them. I really do hope they are using this experience to their greatest advantage to learn some tricks of the trade while developing and nourishing some business relationships. I can't wait until they graduate and start their business.

Anyway, so now I am left to my own devices without Clano around. What to do, what to do. I have been staying at Kat's this week with my cat and dog, so basically the circus temporarily moved in with her and Kevin. Kat's birthday was Wednesday. We didn't do too much unfortunately. Mona made a cake, and I cooked fajitas. We got her some flowers and a card and candy. It was the best I could do on a weekday with a short budget. Last night, Kat and I sat around in our underwear, watching the L word and drinking the left over booze. We also had a short wrestling match in which she attempt to steal my phone and break my sternum while I pinched her boob and screamed for Kevin. Kevin did not get involved. Today and Tonight we are shopping and...who knows! More info incoming soon!

All night long!

So, I have been up all night. It is approximately 6:00 am, and I am scared to sleep.
I suppose I am afraid I will miss something, or maybe I just can't sleep because I took a nap earlier. Perhaps a combination of that, and the fact that I am terrified over getting my test results on Friday. The ultrasound today was very creepy, and I wanted so badly to know if she saw anything. Unfortunately, the lady doing it didn't say a word. I am afraid of cancer or who knows what else it could possibly be. Keep me in your prayers.

At least I did get a lot of stuff taken care of with my blog.

Adventures of Gato Embarazado featuring First comes love, then comes baby carriage and then comes marriage.

Adventures of Gato Embarazado featuring First comes love, then comes baby carriage and then comes marriage.
If you guessed "My friend Katherine is pregnant" you are the winner! As I said, life has tumultuous adventures for us all. Kat is approximately seven weeks pregnant. I was in denial and upset for a plump handful of those weeks. However, weighing the pros and cons, I come to the conclusion this should be a happy time. I also decided despite how ~I~ feel about this situation she will be popping out a little ball of goo and viscera and baby sometime in the upcoming nine months. Also considering the many hair-brained ideas of yours truly she has participated in over the course of an insane four to five years previous to this baby situation, I figure the least I can do is love her and support her. Hey, I may even watch the thing once and a while! I could buy it funny hats and teach it how to play video-games.....


Kat and Kevin got hitched. Well, unofficially hitched. I witnessed the whole thing at the court house along with Steve (who, to everyone's relief, was not singing his bardly songs at the legal ceremony). I did however get to cause my usual spectacle when taken in public. No..no.. I did not throw myself at the judge, protesting and demanding this terrifying idea in progress be stopped. Infact, using something around runspeed 3 I got in to the court house on time. Once I zoned in, I charmed the clerk, pick pocketed a ceremony number, turned in flowers for the good karma quest to the other couple npc's, and off tanked a judge until backup could arrive. Steve evidently cast selos on his mount to get to a bank (unbeknownst to us at the time there is in fact a banker inside the plane of justice here in Phoenix, AZ). Kat and Kevin trained all the way to the court house and slipped inside. Steve didn't have a key once he arrived at the zone in again, and evidently at the time he hadn't trained up his lock picking skills - too bad Clane wasn't there. Kat charmed the additional judge and had him unlock the door. The deed was then done, raid complete. Grats Kat and Kevin on looting two wedding rings!

Some real life adventures of a girltank not so much..

Some real life adventures of a girltank not so much...
So, wow, life...yea...that thing that we experience despite the fact that at times we do not wish to have its tumultuous changes and adventures thrust upon us. Life is a fickle and harsh lover it would seem; but oh does it taste so sweet. I suppose life is like all things in existence. Pros and cons, lesser evils, and a prayer that good will out weigh bad. I'm not sure if I am winning yet.
I haven't worked on my list. I have been quite depressed. I have been the complete polar opposite extraordinary the last few weeks. I miss my friends and having fun. I miss myself.

The List destined to obscure and conquer all lists before it.

The List destined to obscure and conquer all lists before it.
So, as I said, I am making a list of things in this life I need to complete or start. Some are major accomplishments, while others are just simple things to make the heart happy. I suppose its the perfect time of year to be doing something like this, since New Years and soon to be doomed resolutions have just been made by others. These are NOT New Year resolutions. I don't believe in such a thing. I think you can pick any day of the year to change your life. New Years is just a passing of the torch from one calendar year unto the next. Now, on to the grand daddy of all to do list before thee...

Disclaimer: These are in no particular order, and will be completed in no particular order. They can be modified at any time to encompass more detail; but they can never be deleted. I might amend the list, adding things as I think of them.

1. Use the scrapbook stuff I bought three years ago.
2. Organize in sequence photographic volumes to hold the pictures of my family I have inherited over the years.
3. Wear makeup and do my hair for seven consecutive days.
4. Give myself a pedicure once a week for one month.
5. At some point weigh as little as 125 pounds and no more than 165 pounds.
6. Travel to Greece
7. Travel to Ireland
8. Own and operate a website of my choice to a successful degree
9. Organize all the pictures on my computer
10. Post all the pictures I have taken over the last year, and then begin posting pictures in a timely manner.
11. Get paid to organize events
12. Publish my poetry
13. Write one poem a day for one month.
14. Maintain a blog or journal for at a minimum of one year.
15. Cook one meal from different country each night for a week
16. Watch a zombie or ghost movie without feeling fear
17. Write one short story
18. Write one novel, even if it is shoddy
19. Own a home in one or all or any given number of the following places: WA, AZ, MS, PA, NY, Ireland, Greece, New Zealand
20. Adopt a child
21. Eat a previously endangered but now restored animal
22. Learn to play and beat Halo, Halo 2, and Halo 3.
23.Play Left 4 Dead...at night.
24.Paint and redecorate every room in a house
25. Paint one good painting
26. Build a computer on my own
27. Make something out of wood ... i.e. a book shelf or table
28. Travel to Alaska
29. Scuba Dive and/or swim with a dolphin
30. maintain a pen pal for at least one year.
31. Travel to New Jersey to spend a New Years with Gary
32. "Beat" Everquest...again
33. Keep my house in a state of magazine clean on a regular basis
34. Pluck my own eyebrows
35. Walk for one hour each day
36. Play my bongo and read tarot cards once a month
37. Organize my existing poetry
38. Own a boat
39. Adopt as many animals as I can afford to support
40. Visit the Grand Canyon, Four Corners, Sedona, and Jerome
41. Take my closest friends on a road trip to my home town
42. Have robyn come stay with me in Phoenix for one week
43. Speak to Erin again

The rise of conflictions in the mind of a local Phoenix resident.

The definition of procrastination is the epitome of how I treat my brilliant plans and creativity. I truly believe I smother myself, constricting everything I really am until there is nothing except a minuscule glimmer of what I should be. I spend so much time thinking that I am rarely doing. My mind is some mirrored labyrinth constantly contorting and reversing while expanding infinitely not unlike the universe my physical body is trapped inside. I am intensely confused by my personality. It would appear who I really am folds in upon itself, hiding and shying away from everything great it could accomplish. In its place stands someone everyone but myself knows and loves. Could I be one of those great minds that is meant to do nothing but ponder only to have scraps of paper saturated in brilliance discovered upon her tragic death? I feel pretentious.

I think I am going to make a list of everything I have never completed or started that I have always thought of doing. Then perhaps if I actually bring said list to a fruition I shall complete them individually in no particular order.

Old Facebook Post

Pans
Share
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 9:54am | Edit Note | Delete
me: im trying to convince myself to go to Macy's
they have a sale today
roasting pans, $7.99
it only last for another two hours
Kat: ...lol
me: i wanted to say "i'm not one of those people" but i'm old now, and trying to save money, and its a great deal. even at wal mart those pans are twenty dollars
do you want me to pick you up a roasting pan if its not one per customer
i know varuka took all your kitchen stuff, and these are nice pans
Kat: yes please
me: sorry. i'm really caught up on these pans this morning. i think because it says something about the person i am becoming
i got excited last night over a macy's commercial that had a sale on pans....i wasnt excited about the jewelry, or cosmetics, or coats...just the pan..
Kat: lol
this is a good thing though yes?
me: i guess
i think it just means i'm growing up

Old Facebook Post

Monday, September 7, 2009 at 12:25pm
No one should be left on the side of the road to rot and die because they can't afford health care costs due to extremist capitalists becoming money hungry in the 1980s. No one was thinking about our elderly and our children when they decided back then to let private parties in health care charge what ever they wanted. They just heard the almighty dollar sing to them, and it has continued. I don't know first hand, but I would imagine other countries laugh at us for thinking that the health of the poor isn't important. Many countries learned long ago that the rich remain rich because of the poor that support them form underneath in their factories and shops. If you don't make an effort to keep them well, you fine gentlemen will not remain wealthy very long. Perhaps when you are hit where it hurts - your pocket book - you will reconsider how much you previously didn't care that your workers couldn't even afford prescription cough medicine.

In case simple logic doesn't appeal to you, perhaps your heart will. I have witnessed a man several days a week for the last year walk up and down a strip mall. He earns money by collecting and recycling cans and doing odd jobs for the mom and pop shop owners. He can't be hired anywhere because of his constant coughing fits, rotten teeth, limp, and overall homeless appearance. He carries his Bible, and his dog everywhere with his bike cart that he pulls due to the fact he can't even ride a bike in the torturous desert heat because of his leg problems. He isn't an addict, and often times you see he has dirty bandages made out of whatever he can rustle up. He never panhandles, but earns whatever he is given - even if you only give him a small odd job out of pity. I typically begin to cry as I walk past him - after he has nodded and waved in respect to me being a lady. Finally one day I realized I cry not only for him, but I cry because of the two American flags on small posts that are duct taped to the back of his cart. I cry not only for him, but for all of us here in America. I cry because he has nothing, and we give him nothing. I cry because even after his misfortune in life he must somewhere still believe in a country that ignores his existence. I cry because he loves an idea of freedom and the pursuit of happiness... Read More that denies him basic human rights because of capitalistic ideals and importance of dollars. I cry and hope God, his God he carries that Bible for, can forgive me for not doing more than try to be his voice now that he has lost his own due to our obsession with green paper that will not benefit us once we leave this place.

Old Myspace Post

Monday, May 11, 2009 12:08 PM

The virus of my world in song
The music fades in.
I feel my heart sink, plummeting to nowhere inside me.
It begins to pulse and pound, following each drum beat perfectly.
Blood flows in and swirls, gains its corruption to the sound of every guitar cord.
My fleeting heart forces the vile, infected red serum out into my body.
It fills my veins, and as the lyrics scream my blood vessels tingle and pop.
The viral blood rushes faster and faster inside me as he sings my damnation.
The bass strings pound in my mind, and with every strum salvation is lost.
This sound, this music which bonded itself to my soul long ago floods me.
And as my nerve endings drown in the verses, the lack of melody bridges the synapses in my brain.
Memories infiltrate my mind, and the constantly cumulating emotion in his voice becomes too heavy and crushes me.
I let go, and indulge.
I revel in the pain, the happiness, and the tears this musical poison has brought me.
You win again, Sir.


________________________


"Straight Jacket Fashion"
by Chevelle

Don't stand around
So far, it's empty
Just pull close these witnesses
That follow, so trusting
There they go

By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite

Cause quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin

Climb up your pedestal
To hang yourself from it
"A cold day in hell's" the phrase
I used when I never ever meant to change
Scab

By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite

Cause quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin

His straight jacket fashion
Can't believe he could
But I'd crawl a mile
To say that he should
This straight jacket fashion
I can't believe he could
Starve ourselves just to say
You know that you should

By the way
We last because we're colorful
And as for fools, just play the opposite

Quietly, you're overrated anyhow
Currently, you've spread yourself so thin

Quietly, you're overrated anyhow
And currently, you've spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin
Spread yourself so thin

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009 11:20 AM

This job hurts..

I’m not this type of person. I have said this to myself over one thousand times today. I have let the words slip from my mouth and my fingers to three people I care about a rather great deal. I’m not an ignorant person; but I do believe I am attempting to be blind to the real truth of the situation at hand.

I would like to think that I am a good, decent person. I would love to believe that, in the grand scheme of things, I do what is right while making no worse mistakes than what is expected from humanity. I attempt to avoid regretting my decisions, and constantly move forward.

Moving forward, that leaves me to contemplate whether I am, in fact, pushing forward or simply running away.

I think I have always done what is necessary to survive the situation that faces me. Unfortunately, this often times faces me with choosing to be selfless or selfish. I know there are many aspects of my life where I am a very selfless person. I have loved entirely without inhibition; I have given to others until my pockets and heart is empty. I sacrifice until there is nothing. I care deeply and unconditionally. I am not delusional and realize there are so many aspects of my life where I am a very selfish person. I require a lot from my friendships and relationships. I place my emotional needs before others, and I often times will never admit that I am wrong. I have blatant overuse of the words “I” and “me”.

I have done what I felt was necessary for myself to survive.

I, like many people, have done numerous things that I am in no way proud of having done. I do wonder what will become of me at the end of these strings of choices and decisions made and unmade.

I suppose I could place blame on my childhood and various other factors for protecting myself the way I have, and haven’t. I would imagine after cracking open a psych book that I could name each individual factor that has caused me to do the things I have done; thus making my soul escape its guilt.

I am consistently faced with the predicament of whether the good I have done in this world weighs out the bad things I have done to this world.

The real truth of the matter is that I love my higher power, the world, humanity, the people and things and loved ones in my life, and myself in no real particular order. I’m guilty of trying to save whichever is easiest to save at the exact moment I must make the decision.

I’m confident that the way in which I chose to express loyalty, love, friendship, anger, selfishness, and survival make me a dangerous woman.

I’m afraid that the depths at which I feel all emotions in this world make me a volatile girl.

All I really want is to one day say “It was all worth it.”

Old Myspace Post

Monday, February 16, 2009 6:50 PM

Pavement and surprises
I wish I could say that the road life takes never surprises me. I wish that perhaps I could say that the fact that life surprises us no longer surprises me. The real truth of the matter is that life takes us every which way. Some people describe this as a roller coaster ride. I suppose I'd have to agree with this considering I feel that amusement park rides are death traps. On a side note, I do not find the thought of plummeting to my death while thrill seeking on some man made monstrosity of steel amusing. People easily walk in and out of our lives. It is hard to find a way to make them stay; or a way to make yourself stay for that matter. Time is sculpted by the people that fill its great void, and we find ourselves interwoven in the rough canvas drop cloth covering our masterpiece. Somethings are redundant in life. I'd love to say one door closing to another one opening is not true; but the damn reality of it is that it is proven to us every single day that the phrase reflects the way of life.

Across the ocean of pavement, the boat rises and falls with the waves.
Inside the boat built of relationships, the people are tumbled on their heads.

Old Myspace Post

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 6:29 AM

Lonely
Current mood: sad
I'm so lonely.
I miss....

Old Myspace Post

Saturday, December 29, 2007 11:21 PM

What is love...baby don’t hurt me...
Current mood: blessed

I am guessing I just learned one of the most important lessons in my life. It is weird to think I have gone through so much, and I missed something so very simple. I didn't figure out the secret to life or anything of that nature. I did, however, figure out how to love someone. I have said on many occasions that I love people unconditionally, and that is very true. I just had no idea how, it seems. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense when I try to write it down, and I do feel it is important to write this particular thought down. Let me use some examples, and perhaps I can piece it together for myself in some words I will not forget.



Love means many different things to everyone in this universe. Before this week, for me it was a stereotypical idea of love. You love someone, you tell them, you smile with them, you cry with them, you cuddle, you share, you have sex, you get that warm fuzzy feeling…insert other clichés of love here. All of those things are, in fact, a part of love. They are not love in its entirety. To be quite honest, you can do all of those things and many others, and not be expressing the kind of love I intend to mean when I say love. You can love someone selfishly, as I have, and for a long while it will seem to everyone that you are loving them correctly. Now, on a side note, just because I expressed love in a selfish, cliché fashion does not minimize the love I feel for them. It is only a sad truth that I didn't realize what I was doing until now. Too little too late I suppose. I won't go in to all that. It is a whole other story entirely, and, while related, not the point at hand.



I have discovered that what I always meant to do, and never quite pulled off.



When you love someone to the fullest extent you can love someone; you want what is best for them. Period. No if. No but. No questions. You simply love them, and support their needs and decisions. When they ask you for something they truly need, if you can provide it with no serious injury to your person you should allow them what they need. No words say it quite right for me. I guess what I am trying to say is….I should have listened.



I should have listened, and respected. I was always listened to and respected…I'm not sure what was going through my head. Maybe this all was just a hard lesson I had to learn. I could go into this huge list of times and instances in which I should have done something and did not. The fact of the matter is this…I was wrong. I always was wrong.



Love is something to be cherished, and coddled. You cannot let your emotions run rampant in the streets of your heart and mind. You must hold it and control it. Love is putting someone before yourself. Doing what is best for them even if it isn't what you want or imagined. Sometimes love is giving in. Sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes love is worth the pain you might temporarily feel to make it last forever when you stay quiet over something large or small. Love is always.



Just because things are different, and just because love changes doesn't mean it dies. What two people share in happiness lives on long after they are no longer able to provide that gift to the world together. It resonates through time.



"Buildings burn, people die, but true love lasts forever."



I have one last selfish gift for myself when it comes to matters of love. It is a promise. A promise to myself and no one else. A promise to love completely, and truly, and unconditionally. A promise to always listen, grow, provide support, not stumble and sweat over the small things, to understand, and to place their needs on an appropriate priority level.



I love you.

Old Myspace Post

Thursday, November 29, 2007 9:34 PM

Everything and anything changes for you
Current mood: blank
some stuff will always confuse me. how can i love a person so much, and them not love me? atleast not in the way i want them to. i'm not a looker, and i have my downfalls as does everyone. i know i did some pretty fucked up things and said some pretty fucked up things. i'd never deny the pain i probably forced upon him. all i'm saying is that i realise now what i should've know then. i only wish that somehow, some way, he could find it in himself to remember the love he had for me and give me a chance to show him how i feel and how different things have become. i know he has other women in his life...maybe women better looking, or less dramatic, or just better in general. the fact of the matter is - not that im asking him to settle - i honestly believe that no one could ever feel the way i do about him. i was perfectly ready to give up everything for him. i love him. he is worth the world to me. i really believe, if given the chance, i could make him happy. its all so confusing and so fucked up. i remember a time when we were so amazingly happy together, and i remember times where things were so terribly sucky. the thing is ...through both...one thing remains the same...there is me and there is him...and no matter how much either of us pushes in any direction...neither of us strays that fucking far from the other. sure, we try, but it never really happens. why is that? why are there people in your life...no matter how unhealthy (not saying we are) or how crazy things get...they just never get so far away that you lose sight of them? i'd like to believe he still cares about me...that one day things will pan out and be as they were meant to be...him and i. i'm fairly sure he doesnt feel the same way...im fairly sure he is confident there will never be another him and i...and that he wants me to move on and just be his friend, if even that. he has no idea how hard that concept is and how hard i have worked at it. as much as tiffany or any other girl may give him attention or sex or "love"...i just so honestly beleive it will never be what is between us. it was so different...so....what it was...its all so confusing and brain wracking and i cant explain it....only that it made me willing to give up my marriage...give up everything i'd ever known (the good and the bad)...I thought he was worth it. I'll always believe he was worth it. If i end up alone for the rest of my life because of the choices i made....i'll always know deep within my mind and my heart that Demetri was worth the loss of any and everything. I know i sound crazy, please dont think that i dont realise that. I know im a strong person for most of those that know me and its weird to hear or see me the way i've been with him. There is just no way to explain that no matter how strong or independant or assertive I am...its just not that way when it comes to Demetri. anyone can think whatever they may like. they can think im crazy or obessive or stalkerish...the fact of the matter is...there is no one like him. not to say that the others in my life weren't great or special or amazing in their own right. he's just this truly geniune wonderful person who doesnt even realise how breath taking he can be...anyway, im just rambling and feeling crazy. all i know is that....im stuck....god, i really dont mind the pain of it all because it was always worth it to me...every tear...every heartache...every fight...everything...
im sorry demetri.
im sorry clane.
im sorry shannon.

"You can't always get what you want. No, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find..you get what you need"

Old Myspace Post

Thursday, November 15, 2007 7:56 PM

My New Year
November 15, 2007. I wonder if my mom is proud of me? It's been a year since she passed - nearly a year to the exact hour that i began typing this. It's amazing the the things that change in only a year. I'm in awe how so much time has passed and it seems like yesterday, and also how no time has passed at all and it feels like forever ago. In the last year of my life I have learned that I am not a bad person. I have learned that I have issues like everyone else. In the last year I realised just how much I could love someone, and just how badly I could hurt the ones that love me. I practiced unconditional love, and despite the fact of losing the man I loved that way, I will forever love him and everyone unconditionally. I pierced my lip. I pierced my nose. I dyed my hair...twice. My roommate moved out and two new ones moved in. I become re-addicted to Everquest only to neglect it once more. I, without fear, have taken a 2000+ mile road trip, driven over bridges and over passes, loved someone, ate sushi, let an almost perfect stranger live in my home, flew on a plane, made love with Demetri, left my grandfather alone, spoken to Doug and Joe again, met four people from Everquest, and let myself become close to another female. I got an amazing job, and became the envy of everyone I know by being outstanding at it. My boss and coworkers are great. Clane and I seperated. I tried homeopathic medicine. I got Einstein, the best dog ever even if I don't see him all the time. I cried. I smiled. I longed. I mourned. I laughed. I desired. I sinned. I overcame. I was selfish and giving in the same moment. I missed her. I missed him. I wrote many vague - and some not so vague- blogs. I quit smoking. I started smoking. I quit drinking. I tried to drink myself into death or atleast the hospital. I quit drinking again. Clane and I learned how to be friends again.I lost myself, and I found a girl that I like better once I lost "myself".I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. I was so happy tears poured from eyes as I laughed. I saw Maryland. I fell in love with trees again, and the east coast. I had one of the most wonderful, meaningful weeks of my life being lazy with Demetri.In a year, I lost everything; and in the same year I was handed the world.Keep in mind, these are just a handful of things that happened in the last year, and they were in no particular order whatsoever.

I wish I could say something cliche or somethign with depth about losing my mother. I suppose the closest I can come is saying that her death made me realise that I'm not dead. I'm not dead and I should live like I'm dying. It took some time to realise it, but I'm happy living life each day as it comes. I'm happy believing there could be no tomorrow, so I need to do and say what I need today. Other than that, I can't really go on about what a wonderful and touching person she was. Don't get me wrong...SHE WAS, but she taught me just as much in her death as she did in her life. I have loved, and lost...many times in many ways. I still smile. I still breathe.

So, November 15 now marks MY new year.

I'd like to thank...yes thank as oddly as it sounds...certain people for making the past year what it was....

Demetri - You loved me. You are ...there are just no words...you just are, and I love you.
Clane - You let me move on, you let go, and gave me what I wanted from you..a friend. I will always dearly care about you.
Katherine - You encouraged me and held me accountable for my actions. You, like the two names above you, hold a strong place in my heart.
Doug - You forgave me. You became one of my best friends, whether it out of necessity, timing, or both of us growing up. It happened and it makes me smile.
Cody - You let me welcome you.
Dave - You were always just as bitter, if not moreso, than myself. You let me give you hugs.
Shannon (yes, me!) - You saved yourself. You got up again. It wasn't the end. You always come out fighting. You try, and win or fail, don't stop. You changed. You conquered and loved. You cried.

I love the people listed above, in many different ways - each one unique from the next, more than most people can probably imagine. *mwah*

Old Myspace Post

Thursday, July 19, 2007 11:39 AM

I think I am Fucked....
Current mood: confused
I don't know whats wrong with me. It feels like sometimes I try to fuck things up on purpose. But I am so happy with him, I do not want to fuck it up. I don't even realise what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm not in control of myself. Seriously, I think I have all this potential and my psycho is getting in the way. I really have this super distrust of women. I think they are all backstabbing bitches other than two or three that have yet to fuck me over, however, Im not naive enough to think they haven't done it to others. I have this constant fear of not being good enough. I lack confidence. The other day I realised that the reason it is so hard for me to respect myself is because I have almost zero respect for women. I have no idea where I learned this growing up, but it exists in my mind today. I really hate it when I do this shit. I try so hard to take a step back, relax, take a breath....it never really seems to help. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am horrified there is something better than me out there for him. That thought makes me sick. I want to be what he wants and what he needs and I want nothing else to be able to take up that particular space in his life. I wonder at times if he does deserve much better than me. I have said some horrible things to him, and made him feel bad about himself...something I never wanted to do to anyone, especially him. I love him. I want him to know how special and wonderful I believe he is. How different and unique and perfect I think he is. I try so hard to let him know, and I'm not sure I ever really can...especially after some of the things I have said to him in anger. I don't know what either of us can do to make me feel differently. I'm trying SO hard. I just want to feel like the most important thing to him. I want to know that he views me and feels about me the way I feel about him.I love him immensely. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy. I want us happy and together, and together for always.

Old Myspace Post

Saturday, May 26, 2007 9:06 AM

Fuck me.
Current mood: numb

I cant get last night out of my head. I really felt like everything was going so well. It's funny how things just suddenly fuck up for no obvious reason. God. I felt so stupid. My pride was wounded badly, and all comfort I had was tossed on its head. I really felt like a complete fool.

I love him so very much. I honestly do love him more than anyone or anything. He turns me on my head, and makes me insane most days. HE makes me the good kind of insane, the whole situation we are in makes me the awful kind.

I really did just feel completely crushed. I am so use to just telling him how I feel. I so freely just say any and everything that comes to mind. He makes me feel so safe. After all this time, I was in this wonderful place that I could tell him how much I really do love him (even though my words always fall short) and I could tell him how much I miss him all the time. I was able to tell him how often I think about him, how much I wanted him and to be with him, and the worst- how much I actually do need him. I told him all this stuff and then some, and I never winced. I never thought twice. I wasn't scared.

For around two hours or so last night (well, around midnight-2 a.m.), I laid on my couch and cried. I cried and everything imaginable ran through my head. I realised that while I'm not back to square one, it will be uncomfortable again, atleast for awhile, for me to say those things to him, even though he is the only one I love with such intensity. One particular thought ran through my head over and over and over again, like I was torturing myself. "While you were all caught up, telling him you love him and how much time you want to spend with him....he was likely - more often than not- wishing he had more time to himself, without you."

I kept thinking about how much fun he is, and how I probably bring him down since this whole situation along with my fucked up life makes me act crazy. I was thinking that he deserves so much better than I have given him. I was thinking about how I wish I could be everything that I think he does deserve. I know he loves me and doesn't think the same way. Ofcourse, at that point last night, I wasn't rational. I was heartbroken, which is never rational lol.

I kept hearing how happy he sounded when he first called. He sounded so bright and cheerful and like he had been having fun. God, he was so sweet and affectionate. He said some really beautiful things. While we were talking then, I was so at peace. Everything felt harmonic. I was having trouble sleeping and he immediately relaxed me. I felt safe again, as I always do with him.

Then something happened. I was drifting to sleep and I don't even remember what I did wrong. I asked him not to go, to just wait for me to sleep. I thought I had been good lately. I thought I had been understanding and giving and I thought we both had more than enough space. I thought if I asked politely and lovingly that it would be okay to ask for him to stay and finish putting me to sleep. I don't care what other factors were involved, I wish I had never done it. I wish I had just been an adult and said goodnight. I wish I hadn't been weak enough to ask him to stay, to need him to stay. Once he was angry, for whatever reason(s) he was, It was only downhill. I get so upset and torn apart when I hear his voice change like that. When I make him sound like that, when it's something I've done, it tears me apart...it makes me almost hate myself.

Another thought while I laid on the couch, sniveling stupidly, was that I wish -I- could make him sound as happy as he did when he first called. I wish so badly I could make him that excited and that I could make him smile that way. Sometimes I'm afraid all I do is frustrate him.

Sometimes I think he is crazy for being in love with me. Crazy for putting up with me. Crazy for wanting what is me. Somedays my confidence dives off the deep end and into some abyss of self loathing and pity and shame. Today is one of those days. Then I begin to worry that he won't love me, not for all my faults, but because how i feel about myself - in every aspect ....emotionally, mentally, physically...- plummets sometimes. What he will think of me in every way rattles me today. Today I'm horrified he will hate everything.

I was so excited and confident and ready to go spend time with him.

I still want to visit and spend time with him. I still want it so very much.

I'm scared.

This whole fucking thing just drives me fucking insane. I love him, and I know that if we love each other, all this should work itself out eventually. My love for him and that fact doesn't change this all from sucking so badly.

I just really want him to be happy. If I end up happy and with what I want so badly also, then that's a bonus I guess.

I just don't know anymore. I just had to write until it was out of my system. I needed all of this NOT in me so I can just move on.

I love you. I love you far more than I'm use to loving anyone. Fuck. I love you scruffles.

Old Myspace Post

Monday, March 12, 2007 3:57 AM

A a few fucking confirmations for the world to see, and that I believe.
Current mood: calm
*I'm not a bad person.-I have made mistakes. There is absolutely no denying that. My mistakes range from the amazingly giant size ones to small, forgotten ones. What I have realised is that I'm a great, decent person who makes mistakes. My mistakes do not make me a bad person; they make me human like everyone else.

*I'm unique, and not in a bad way.- I can be very different from most of the people around me, and thats okay.It doesn't make me worse or better for wear. I'm not typical, and it's not a problem.

*I need people.- I do infact need people. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me a woman and a human. I need loving, supportive, people.

*I don't need people.- My self worth doesn't belong to anyone else. It's mine. What someone personally thinks of me doesn't change my value, nor is my value ever determined by someone else. No one needs to fix me, and even if I needed "fixing" I am the only one for that job.

*I'm valuable.- I'm not as worthless as I have felt in the past. I'm not as worthless as some think I am. Period.

*I'm the worst friend. -I'm flakey. I can be antisocial. I have hit silence on my phone when it rings.

*I'm the best friend.- I will constantly be there when needed. Anything a friend needs, I will give it to them if it is in my power to do so. All that is necessary is that they ask. I show appreciation for those who have been there for me, and helped me. It's not my fault if they do not notice because I have proven time and time again that I am grateful.

*I deal in positive reinforcement.- Much like a drug dealer, I continue to press and push positive reinforcement on to those around me. When an ego needs stroking, I have the fix. My doing this is not a bad thing.// I like to recieve positive reinforcement. Trust me, I know what I do wrong. I know where I need improvement. Tell me what I do right, tell me what is liked.

*I'm not hideous.-I'm not a ten. I will never be one. I need work. However, I'm not ugly, hideous, or disgusting; and the way I look, for better or worse, will not change the person I am.

*I'm grateful. - Thankful for every day on this earth, every memory, every expierence, every person scattered throughout my life.

*I'll be okay.- As Demetri would telll me, "You'll live". He is right, I will, infact, live....and by doing so, I will be okay.

*I'm not going to fall through.- I have always lived my life waiting for the bottom to fall out from under me again. I have realised that not every good moment in life causes the next horrific one. Even if that were the case, and the bottom consistently fell when predicted, I won't fall through to the rubble on the bottom. I have shown, over time, that even when I slip with the slide, I climb out of the broken pile.

*I am a Hypocondriac.- I have been for a very long time. It was confusing, to believe that I was ill with everything but what illness I actually have. It's not on purpose. I'm not a liar. I wish I could stop, and I'm trying to stop. I don't mean to cry wolf. I have panic and anxiety attacks. I do and will continue to rely on loved ones during those moments for as long as they will allow it.

*I'm not guilty.- Again, I have made mistakes. However, some things in life are unavoidable and will happen. At that moment, when it happens and the re-evaluation of choices begins, I have to be honest with myself. No matter how hard I tried or fought, no matter what I did or didn't do, I'm not responsible for her death. I'm not responsible for the death of anyone, but especially her...

*I'm only responsible for my own happiness.- I can't be all things to all people, no matter how hard I have tried in the past. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to make everyone happy, I can only make myself happy while making sure that my choices do not purposefully (or even non-purposefully) affect others in a negative way. I am mindful and concious and concerned with how my choices that lead to my happiness will affect those around me, but ultimately, if someone isn't happy, it is probably their own fault. I am willing to do what I can, but I can only do so much.

*I need time to myself.- I do apologise for all the people in my life that have "suffered" from moments of my "selfishness" when I decide it is time for me. The truth is, if I don't do this, I can't be happy or well.

*I'm intelligent.- I have done stupid things. I have said stupid things. Everyone does. Neither of those statements change the fact that I am a bright, intelligent woman who is opinionated and honest.

*I'm an addict.- Every day I make the concious choice to not use various substances (illegal drugs, alcohol, legal drugs, etc.) as a form of fullfillment and happiness. Somedays, I have been known to lose. Those days, even with the alcohol, are becoming fewer and farther between. Once and addict, always an addict. Being one doesn't make me less of a person, it only makes me a person with an extra choice.

*I'm strong.- I'm not as weak as I have always believed. I have endured, and I will continue to do so.

*I don't care what people say.- I value constructive criticism. Even when the truth hurts, I do appreciate it. However, the hurtful or negative things people say behind closed doors no longer bothers me. I am the way that I am, and people have every right to not like it. I will not apologise for being myself, only mistakes or tresspasses against others. At that point, it is their responsibility on how to handle the situation.

*It's alright for me to be happy.- I'm allowed happiness in life. Life doesn't have to be painful or dramatic its entire course. I no longer have to punish myself.

*I'm not selfish.- I give more than I recieve. I enjoy doing what I can to make everyone happy. If people do not see the caring, selfless things I do, it is no longer my problem. It is theirs.

*I'm a swirl.- I'm a crazy mass of molecules and contradictions and confusion and truths. I am everything, and I am nothing much. I'm a silly swirl of a person who has feelings and thoughts and choices to make. I am getting it together, and I'm getting on with my life. I have always been "crazy". I think too much, I let my emotions and thoughts snowball. I say I'm sorry. I get frustrated. I get upset. I get angry. I get happy. I get hyper. I get silly. I love too many people. I care too much. I get scared. I get cold. Everything. Nothing.I'm Shannon, and that is all I will ever be.

>>>>
I think this is completed, atleast for now. This entire post is public, but it was written for myself alone. I made it public, because as of right now, I whole heartedly believe the things I have written. If one person read this, I no longer owe it to only myself to make sure these things remain true.
Approximately a month ago, a doctor spoke the words "Tell me about yourself". My answer was much different than the list written here. The next few hours were some of the most heart-wrenching, painful, humiliating, and tear-filled moments of my life. When it was over, I had never felt more alive and free. I felt unloaded. I felt as though I could stand again. I could breathe again.
My response if she asked again would include a great deal of what I have written tonight. I think she would be surprised, anyone would be shocked, to read the difference in the answer. I have started my walk down a different road, and this one has street lights. I can see where my feet fall.
I am in no way shape or form "all better" or "cured" or "over it". The absolute truth is that I may never be. It may always be a battle with in my mind. I may continue to lose one day and win the next. The truth is, I wake up winning more often than not lately, and for right now, that is more than enough for me.
I'm so very grateful.