Old Myspace Post

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 11:20 AM

This job hurts..

I’m not this type of person. I have said this to myself over one thousand times today. I have let the words slip from my mouth and my fingers to three people I care about a rather great deal. I’m not an ignorant person; but I do believe I am attempting to be blind to the real truth of the situation at hand.

I would like to think that I am a good, decent person. I would love to believe that, in the grand scheme of things, I do what is right while making no worse mistakes than what is expected from humanity. I attempt to avoid regretting my decisions, and constantly move forward.

Moving forward, that leaves me to contemplate whether I am, in fact, pushing forward or simply running away.

I think I have always done what is necessary to survive the situation that faces me. Unfortunately, this often times faces me with choosing to be selfless or selfish. I know there are many aspects of my life where I am a very selfless person. I have loved entirely without inhibition; I have given to others until my pockets and heart is empty. I sacrifice until there is nothing. I care deeply and unconditionally. I am not delusional and realize there are so many aspects of my life where I am a very selfish person. I require a lot from my friendships and relationships. I place my emotional needs before others, and I often times will never admit that I am wrong. I have blatant overuse of the words “I” and “me”.

I have done what I felt was necessary for myself to survive.

I, like many people, have done numerous things that I am in no way proud of having done. I do wonder what will become of me at the end of these strings of choices and decisions made and unmade.

I suppose I could place blame on my childhood and various other factors for protecting myself the way I have, and haven’t. I would imagine after cracking open a psych book that I could name each individual factor that has caused me to do the things I have done; thus making my soul escape its guilt.

I am consistently faced with the predicament of whether the good I have done in this world weighs out the bad things I have done to this world.

The real truth of the matter is that I love my higher power, the world, humanity, the people and things and loved ones in my life, and myself in no real particular order. I’m guilty of trying to save whichever is easiest to save at the exact moment I must make the decision.

I’m confident that the way in which I chose to express loyalty, love, friendship, anger, selfishness, and survival make me a dangerous woman.

I’m afraid that the depths at which I feel all emotions in this world make me a volatile girl.

All I really want is to one day say “It was all worth it.”