Old Myspace Post

Thursday, November 09, 2006 10:35 AM

Strength, or lack thereof
Current mood: exhausted

Lately, I have wondered if I am an incredibly selfish person. I'm aware it has been said before by a few people, but I think they were talking about me on a much more shallow level than I mean currently. I feel like as of late all I have done is bitch and moan about taking care of my mom and all that entails. It's a job and an obligation. I realise that many people endure the same or worse taking care of their family.It makes me feel horrible that I do not have it as bad as a great deal of people, and yet most days I think I can't make it through the next hour- much less the next day or week. Sometimes I just want to sit down and fucking cry. Unfortunately, I never have time. Sure, I can sneak a couple of hours to myself while she is asleep; but I really enjoy using that time trying to feel happy and find my sanity. If not for an awesome friend, I really think I would've lost my mind by now. No need to name drop..they know who they are. At the same time, while I'm so thankful to have them, I don't want to spend that time whining to them. I know I have quite a bit more than I would like to admit, and the fact they endure it makes my heart want to burst (in a good way). I'm just....tired. It's not sleepy tired or working hard all day tired. It is a level of emotional-and slightly physical-exhaustion that I have no idea how to cure or handle. Especially after being in the hospital so long, I thought I was grateful to come home with her. I quickly realised that I am not. Now I have no help at all. In UMC atleast now and again I could bitch and curse enough to eventually get a nurse to come help me. Now there is no one but me, and I'm so afraid that I am too selfish to handle it. I mean look at what I have written..how many times have I said "I". Many people have called me a strong woman. I have even agreed, and enjoyed people saying so. Right now, I feel like I'm about to break and that I am not as strong as anyone-even myself- thought I was. How do you even measure that kind of strength? I just wonder if everyone that has gone through this feels like they can't. Is strength my ability to keep going even though I think I cannot? Am I still strong even though I doubt myself, and cry under the pressure? Or is strength that stone solid ability to endure any and everything without a word or complaint? My day started hours ago, I have two days worth of things to complete before I sleep tonight. I don't know if it will all get done, but I just needed this moment to brace myself.

Oh, and Thank you! /heart.

1 Comment
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Setzer Valorin
Strength is something you have by the bucketload my dear. I watched as my Mom took care of my grandma after she lost the use of her legs. We moved in to their house, and Mom lost of lot of her possession because there wasn't room to keep them and she couldn't afford storage. Her car was repossessed because she had to cut back the hours she worked to tend to my grandma. And she cried often over the fact that she never got any help from her siblings. She moaned, she complained, and she was constantly fighting with her family over their lack of assistance. But she never gave up. That, my love, is true strength. The crying, the complaining, the whining, and the wishing for something to free you from your shackles is natural. Everyone does it in a situation that doesn't suit them. NOT everyone has the strength and willpower to just keep on going with that situation. Most give up, spend money to have someone else do it for them, and eventually forget about it as they immerse themselves in self-indulgence. And then there are others who don't even do that...just leave uncaring of the consequences to others. Your strength is admirable, Shannon. It's okay to want it to be over. It's okay to wish things were different. It's okay to cry over your frustrations and complain about your inconveniences. It's okay because you won't quit. I know in my heart of hearts that you won't, no matter how bad it gets, and how much you want to, you're too good of a person to just give up and leave everything to the hands of fate. I love you, my Irish Athena ;)