Old Myspace Post

Thursday, November 15, 2007 7:56 PM

My New Year
November 15, 2007. I wonder if my mom is proud of me? It's been a year since she passed - nearly a year to the exact hour that i began typing this. It's amazing the the things that change in only a year. I'm in awe how so much time has passed and it seems like yesterday, and also how no time has passed at all and it feels like forever ago. In the last year of my life I have learned that I am not a bad person. I have learned that I have issues like everyone else. In the last year I realised just how much I could love someone, and just how badly I could hurt the ones that love me. I practiced unconditional love, and despite the fact of losing the man I loved that way, I will forever love him and everyone unconditionally. I pierced my lip. I pierced my nose. I dyed my hair...twice. My roommate moved out and two new ones moved in. I become re-addicted to Everquest only to neglect it once more. I, without fear, have taken a 2000+ mile road trip, driven over bridges and over passes, loved someone, ate sushi, let an almost perfect stranger live in my home, flew on a plane, made love with Demetri, left my grandfather alone, spoken to Doug and Joe again, met four people from Everquest, and let myself become close to another female. I got an amazing job, and became the envy of everyone I know by being outstanding at it. My boss and coworkers are great. Clane and I seperated. I tried homeopathic medicine. I got Einstein, the best dog ever even if I don't see him all the time. I cried. I smiled. I longed. I mourned. I laughed. I desired. I sinned. I overcame. I was selfish and giving in the same moment. I missed her. I missed him. I wrote many vague - and some not so vague- blogs. I quit smoking. I started smoking. I quit drinking. I tried to drink myself into death or atleast the hospital. I quit drinking again. Clane and I learned how to be friends again.I lost myself, and I found a girl that I like better once I lost "myself".I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed. I was so happy tears poured from eyes as I laughed. I saw Maryland. I fell in love with trees again, and the east coast. I had one of the most wonderful, meaningful weeks of my life being lazy with Demetri.In a year, I lost everything; and in the same year I was handed the world.Keep in mind, these are just a handful of things that happened in the last year, and they were in no particular order whatsoever.

I wish I could say something cliche or somethign with depth about losing my mother. I suppose the closest I can come is saying that her death made me realise that I'm not dead. I'm not dead and I should live like I'm dying. It took some time to realise it, but I'm happy living life each day as it comes. I'm happy believing there could be no tomorrow, so I need to do and say what I need today. Other than that, I can't really go on about what a wonderful and touching person she was. Don't get me wrong...SHE WAS, but she taught me just as much in her death as she did in her life. I have loved, and lost...many times in many ways. I still smile. I still breathe.

So, November 15 now marks MY new year.

I'd like to thank...yes thank as oddly as it sounds...certain people for making the past year what it was....

Demetri - You loved me. You are ...there are just no words...you just are, and I love you.
Clane - You let me move on, you let go, and gave me what I wanted from you..a friend. I will always dearly care about you.
Katherine - You encouraged me and held me accountable for my actions. You, like the two names above you, hold a strong place in my heart.
Doug - You forgave me. You became one of my best friends, whether it out of necessity, timing, or both of us growing up. It happened and it makes me smile.
Cody - You let me welcome you.
Dave - You were always just as bitter, if not moreso, than myself. You let me give you hugs.
Shannon (yes, me!) - You saved yourself. You got up again. It wasn't the end. You always come out fighting. You try, and win or fail, don't stop. You changed. You conquered and loved. You cried.

I love the people listed above, in many different ways - each one unique from the next, more than most people can probably imagine. *mwah*