Thursday, November 29, 2007 9:34 PM
Everything and anything changes for you
Current mood: blank
some stuff will always confuse me. how can i love a person so much, and them not love me? atleast not in the way i want them to. i'm not a looker, and i have my downfalls as does everyone. i know i did some pretty fucked up things and said some pretty fucked up things. i'd never deny the pain i probably forced upon him. all i'm saying is that i realise now what i should've know then. i only wish that somehow, some way, he could find it in himself to remember the love he had for me and give me a chance to show him how i feel and how different things have become. i know he has other women in his life...maybe women better looking, or less dramatic, or just better in general. the fact of the matter is - not that im asking him to settle - i honestly believe that no one could ever feel the way i do about him. i was perfectly ready to give up everything for him. i love him. he is worth the world to me. i really believe, if given the chance, i could make him happy. its all so confusing and so fucked up. i remember a time when we were so amazingly happy together, and i remember times where things were so terribly sucky. the thing is ...through both...one thing remains the same...there is me and there is him...and no matter how much either of us pushes in any direction...neither of us strays that fucking far from the other. sure, we try, but it never really happens. why is that? why are there people in your life...no matter how unhealthy (not saying we are) or how crazy things get...they just never get so far away that you lose sight of them? i'd like to believe he still cares about me...that one day things will pan out and be as they were meant to be...him and i. i'm fairly sure he doesnt feel the same way...im fairly sure he is confident there will never be another him and i...and that he wants me to move on and just be his friend, if even that. he has no idea how hard that concept is and how hard i have worked at it. as much as tiffany or any other girl may give him attention or sex or "love"...i just so honestly beleive it will never be what is between us. it was so different...so....what it was...its all so confusing and brain wracking and i cant explain it....only that it made me willing to give up my marriage...give up everything i'd ever known (the good and the bad)...I thought he was worth it. I'll always believe he was worth it. If i end up alone for the rest of my life because of the choices i made....i'll always know deep within my mind and my heart that Demetri was worth the loss of any and everything. I know i sound crazy, please dont think that i dont realise that. I know im a strong person for most of those that know me and its weird to hear or see me the way i've been with him. There is just no way to explain that no matter how strong or independant or assertive I am...its just not that way when it comes to Demetri. anyone can think whatever they may like. they can think im crazy or obessive or stalkerish...the fact of the matter is...there is no one like him. not to say that the others in my life weren't great or special or amazing in their own right. he's just this truly geniune wonderful person who doesnt even realise how breath taking he can be...anyway, im just rambling and feeling crazy. all i know is that....im stuck....god, i really dont mind the pain of it all because it was always worth it to me...every tear...every heartache...every fight...everything...
im sorry demetri.
im sorry clane.
im sorry shannon.
"You can't always get what you want. No, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find..you get what you need"
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