Old Myspace Post

Saturday, November 11, 2006 5:21 PM

How I feel at this very moment..
Current mood: scared

I wish I had left well enough alone.
I always do this.
Everything was fine; it was great actually.
You were overly sweet and talkative and your typical amazing self.
It was such a stupid idea on my part.
I suppose I should've known better...I just thought...
At this point, maybe it doesn't matter what I thought because I was very mistaken.
I mean...I just totally misunderstood.
I thought it was a good idea...and now I realise that is all it is.
A nice idea...maybe not such a nice reality.
I have gone over and over and over everything in my head you could possibly imagine.
I have no closing thoughts or end result on the matter.
I wish it weren't like this.
I wish you didn't think how you do about it all.
I wish that you really wanted me to be more than I am...
Not like, super committed or anything like that...
Just..more than "this".
I guess I just wish that you thought I was worth it, or that maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
I wish you weren't confused or whatever it is you are, and I love you and respect you enough never to ask you not to be.
I'd love for you to feel like I feel, but I definitely love you the way you are- being your own person.
I would adore you having meant it all when you said "I wish I could" or "I wish you were" or "Why aren't you here yet".
I wish it were easy, but it never is.
I wish it didn't snowball, crash into my heart, and freeze me.
Regardless of everything I have thought and felt today, two things are the most important and will NEVER change.
1. I love you (bunches)
2. I am so grateful for your honesty, especially in tough situations like this one.
Now...myself and my delusional "good" ideas are gonna curl up in a blanket, cry a little, and then just move on.
You are lucky I love you.