I was having a discussion with my girlfriend
tonight. Her husband is currently incarcerated. He has been incarcerated for
the past couple of years and will remain that way for the next few years. This
wasn't his first offense or the first time he has put her in a terrible
situation.
I am in a loving marriage that, believe you me, as not been without its ups, downs, dramas, fuck-it-alls, and forgiveness. My husband and I have hurt each other numerous times, physically and emotionally. We have separated and returned in the middle of our currently 13 year relationship. People make mistakes. We all fuck up. At what point to do you say...that is enough? Well, I think that is a personal decision for the most part. However, I think we can all agree that after enough physically harmful or emotionally harmful acts that enough is enough. Usually those are acts are blatant to the majority of us - perhaps not the ones in the relationship, but at least outsiders. When does it get fuzzy?
I respect real men (and women). I respect those masculine entities that take care of "business" in their home life. Call me old school if you wish, but I believe in every household (regardless of physical sex) there is a masculine and feminine entity OR two people that know how to switch on/off these two roles. I digress. The fact of the matter is, no matter the sex or role, for one person in a relationship to put another one’s welfare – physically, emotionally, or financially – in jeopardy (several times in this particular case) is despicable in my opinion.
That is what this particular man has done, in my opinion. So, I said to my girlfriend the following:
“My husband would never do that to me, ever. We have been poor (and by poor I mean calling relatives to pay rent while on food stamps and no electricity impoverished -below the actual federal poverty line poor). We have been upper middle class or “rich”. We are now middle class. We have battled everything from alcohol abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, depression, anger management, and just name it. However, my husband would never, ever, do something to get himself arrested and leave me alone. He would never put me into a position to be forced into illegal activity as well just to manage the fiscal part of our family. He would work six jobs and never sleep before he would do an illegal hustle/action to pay for something. All he is ever wanted was to take care of his family and he has been through hell trying to accomplish that. He has gone through real and true pain. Faced failure and humility and even begged for help, but he would never get himself locked up. He would never force me into a position to depend on him, get locked away, and then encourage illegal behavior on me to support myself and him while incarcerated. Real men just do not do that. They don’t.”
My girlfriend somewhat reluctantly agreed. A young man sitting near us spoke out after over-hearing what I said to her. He took offense that I said real men do not engage themselves in illegal activity to support their family. I found out in a moment that he felt this way because he works two jobs and sells an illegal substance (one I find harmless) on the side to support himself and his mother. He felt I was saying he was not a real man since he engages in an illegal activity to make sure his family is okay. He later vocalized his mother doesn’t work because she is a cocaine addict who now supplements that addiction with prescription drugs instead of illegal ones. Of course, I felt terrible.
I immediately went into a tirade of how I don’t find the substance he is pushing to be harmful at all even though it is still illegal. By all medical evaluation it isn’t even physically addictive (which launched a side argument because they seem to believe it is – despite selling it – but that is a different argument for a different note). Regardless, I tried to separate the two stories for him without going into graphic detail of why his scenario and hers are dramatically different. I realize now there was no need to even try that. I realize now that I should have just sucked up the confrontation and said what I am about to say. With no personal judgments, disclaimers, exceptions…..I truly believe the following:
People who love and care for their families and loved ones will not, under any circumstances, allow themselves to lose the privilege of being in the lives of those they love. So yes, “Real Men”, will do whatever it takes to be there financially, emotionally, and physically. Just as “Real Women” will do the same thing. “Real women” and “Real men” will work together, as a team, and make their lives work. No. Real Families will do what it takes as a family and network to make life as best as it can be for all those members. Doing what it takes means not endangering yourself, your family, and others to make a quick buck or have a good time. Doing what it takes means not giving up permanently and not asking others to do things that plague them legally and morally to make up for your shortcomings. Doing what it takes is being there – despite how you have to do it. Doing what it takes is not taking the easy road.
I’m sorry young man, but not for what I said. I’m sorry for not having the balls I once had to tell you to give up selling that substance – no matter how much we all may enjoy it (Legalize!!). Give it up so that your family will not suffer when you inevitably get caught. I’m sorry for not being strong enough and opinionated enough to tell you that I’m older and I know it gets better. I’m sorry for not being old school enough to tell you that a quick buck isn’t worth it and hard work gets you everywhere. So, yes, I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for “insulting your manhood”. I’m sorry for not having the guts to be real and honest with you. Good luck.
I am in a loving marriage that, believe you me, as not been without its ups, downs, dramas, fuck-it-alls, and forgiveness. My husband and I have hurt each other numerous times, physically and emotionally. We have separated and returned in the middle of our currently 13 year relationship. People make mistakes. We all fuck up. At what point to do you say...that is enough? Well, I think that is a personal decision for the most part. However, I think we can all agree that after enough physically harmful or emotionally harmful acts that enough is enough. Usually those are acts are blatant to the majority of us - perhaps not the ones in the relationship, but at least outsiders. When does it get fuzzy?
I respect real men (and women). I respect those masculine entities that take care of "business" in their home life. Call me old school if you wish, but I believe in every household (regardless of physical sex) there is a masculine and feminine entity OR two people that know how to switch on/off these two roles. I digress. The fact of the matter is, no matter the sex or role, for one person in a relationship to put another one’s welfare – physically, emotionally, or financially – in jeopardy (several times in this particular case) is despicable in my opinion.
That is what this particular man has done, in my opinion. So, I said to my girlfriend the following:
“My husband would never do that to me, ever. We have been poor (and by poor I mean calling relatives to pay rent while on food stamps and no electricity impoverished -below the actual federal poverty line poor). We have been upper middle class or “rich”. We are now middle class. We have battled everything from alcohol abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, depression, anger management, and just name it. However, my husband would never, ever, do something to get himself arrested and leave me alone. He would never put me into a position to be forced into illegal activity as well just to manage the fiscal part of our family. He would work six jobs and never sleep before he would do an illegal hustle/action to pay for something. All he is ever wanted was to take care of his family and he has been through hell trying to accomplish that. He has gone through real and true pain. Faced failure and humility and even begged for help, but he would never get himself locked up. He would never force me into a position to depend on him, get locked away, and then encourage illegal behavior on me to support myself and him while incarcerated. Real men just do not do that. They don’t.”
My girlfriend somewhat reluctantly agreed. A young man sitting near us spoke out after over-hearing what I said to her. He took offense that I said real men do not engage themselves in illegal activity to support their family. I found out in a moment that he felt this way because he works two jobs and sells an illegal substance (one I find harmless) on the side to support himself and his mother. He felt I was saying he was not a real man since he engages in an illegal activity to make sure his family is okay. He later vocalized his mother doesn’t work because she is a cocaine addict who now supplements that addiction with prescription drugs instead of illegal ones. Of course, I felt terrible.
I immediately went into a tirade of how I don’t find the substance he is pushing to be harmful at all even though it is still illegal. By all medical evaluation it isn’t even physically addictive (which launched a side argument because they seem to believe it is – despite selling it – but that is a different argument for a different note). Regardless, I tried to separate the two stories for him without going into graphic detail of why his scenario and hers are dramatically different. I realize now there was no need to even try that. I realize now that I should have just sucked up the confrontation and said what I am about to say. With no personal judgments, disclaimers, exceptions…..I truly believe the following:
People who love and care for their families and loved ones will not, under any circumstances, allow themselves to lose the privilege of being in the lives of those they love. So yes, “Real Men”, will do whatever it takes to be there financially, emotionally, and physically. Just as “Real Women” will do the same thing. “Real women” and “Real men” will work together, as a team, and make their lives work. No. Real Families will do what it takes as a family and network to make life as best as it can be for all those members. Doing what it takes means not endangering yourself, your family, and others to make a quick buck or have a good time. Doing what it takes means not giving up permanently and not asking others to do things that plague them legally and morally to make up for your shortcomings. Doing what it takes is being there – despite how you have to do it. Doing what it takes is not taking the easy road.
I’m sorry young man, but not for what I said. I’m sorry for not having the balls I once had to tell you to give up selling that substance – no matter how much we all may enjoy it (Legalize!!). Give it up so that your family will not suffer when you inevitably get caught. I’m sorry for not being strong enough and opinionated enough to tell you that I’m older and I know it gets better. I’m sorry for not being old school enough to tell you that a quick buck isn’t worth it and hard work gets you everywhere. So, yes, I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for “insulting your manhood”. I’m sorry for not having the guts to be real and honest with you. Good luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment